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Mumm Ra
12-06-2011, 08:42 AM
http://www.gq.com/entertainment/music/201111/big-ghost-chronicles-ghostface-killah-drake-take-care-review

The strangest, least decorous, and definitely funniest writing about rap music in 2011 comes to us courtesy of Big Ghost Chronicles, a blog written in the imitable voice of the Wu-Tang Clan's own Ghostface Killah. Born in January as a haven for light comedic arcana (fake joke lyrics, track lists, interviews and the like), it's ascended to greatness in recent months by doing straight song-by-song reviews of major hip-hop albums in which virtually every other sentence is a Mad Libs variation on "This is soft, son." It's absurd, reductionist, and not particularly enlightened, but it somehow nonetheless evokes the sublime, hypnotic repetition of Mark Rothko, if instead of painting Mark Rothko had written blog posts about how much he hated Wiz Khalifa.

Other recent victims include Wale's Ambition ("This shit is like havin a waterfall of ovaries comin thru all the windows n doors in ya crib when you listen to it son"), J. Cole's Cole World: The Sideline Story ("First off young Eeyore lookin like some nigga jus snatched his balloon animals from him on this cover yo"), and Kanye West and Jay-Z's Watch the Throne ("This shit sounds like the anthem the fairies in Ferngully would use to go to war against evil humans or some shit b"). But Big Ghostface's true archenemy and muse is Drake, whose combination of fragility, narcissism, and outsized popularity has earned him non-stop derision for months. (There is no truth to the rumor that he actually has seahorses swimming in his bloodstream.)

Which brings us to the site's long-awaited full review of Take Care, Drake's chart-topping new album, a virtuoso, macro-filled performance in which the superstar rapper is described as "the Kitten Whisperer," "Young Garnier Fructis," "the Michael Bublé of rap," a guy who "gets up in the morning n plays his harp for his cats," and, most memorably, "the human croissant." If this hits you in a certain mood you will have to stop reading about halfway through, because you will suddenly realize you are laughing so hard you are crying.

In the tradition of other inside-baseball music-blogger types (Hipster Runoff, the Discographies guy), the proprietor of Big Ghostface Chronicles is protective of his anonymity and determined to stay firmly "in character" at all times. (He signs emails "Cocaine Biceps.") Here is what happened when I attempted to interview him, via IM.

···
GQ: When did Big Ghost Chronicles officially start? What was your original intent?
Big Ghostface: It started bout a year ago son. My original intent was jus to sprinkle a couple jewels throughout the internets wherever I could. I aint really had no particular focus at the time. But over time the shit gradually evolved n shit...n I noticed that the people needed a voice. So I provide that.

GQ: Specifically, a voice that says, "Drake is girly and/or soft"?
Big Ghostface: Nah son...by people I mean those who think for theyselves...not muthafuckas who allow the media to brainwash em. I dont speak for those people. My gripes aint wit Aubrey in particular. He might be the ringleader for the Spa Rap Movement but I aint sweatin dude jus cos he soft. I think his voice is too loud n too heard. N nobody in the industry wants to say nothin bout him cos they see too many dollar signs ridin his wave.

Softness aint necessarily the problem. Lotsa dudes is soft. But they aint empowered like that. Son has too much say. Nobody wants to call son out tho cos they hopin to eat off his plate tho.

GQ: That's true, because—if you are in fact the real Ghostface Killah—you've had your moments of softness, too. Can the guy who put out "Tush" really call out somebody else for being baby thighs?
Big Ghostface: Im jussa a voice son. Who I am specifically aint make no difference. IIm a messenger b. If you take a sentence based on a fact n you let a child read it word for word from the page or you let a grown man witta phd read it...it dont change the message. What you might change is how its said. Or rather...you change how the shit is heard. Namsayin.

At the end of the day tho...theres more than one way to bake a cake nahmean. I dont like my cakes too sweet yo. Dudes can bake they cakes or they can cook up a steak. Im cool wit both. But the boy Aubrey puttin way too much sugar n icing on his cakes. Thats what Im sayin.

N how son gon have nothin but cake after cake after cake on all his albums n mixtapes b? Wheres the rest of the meal?

GQ: At this point do you have a Word document titled "Drake Insults"? Is there some sort of master database, so whenever it's called for you can just plug in something like "This that shit Drake listens to on his lavender iPod when he usin his flyin umbrella to get from point A to point B son"?
Big Ghostface: Nah...I dont need all that son. I jus try n paint a picture wit the words b. I got poetry in my blood.

GQ: Tell me everything about the moment when the words "human croissant" first floated into your head.
Big Ghostface: Truth is I dont even remember sayin half this shit son. Human croissant coulda been bout any number of light in the ass niggas that I dont really hold in the highest regards n shit. I dont really think bout that shit at all son. It jus flies out the tips of my fingers when I be doin my thing namsayin.

GQ: Do you read much rap writing, either by "professional" critics or via rival blogs? Are you in part lampooning the way people on the Internet—white people, a fairly large percentage of the time—write about hip-hop? It's just always funny to me when a dude logged into a message board via Starbucks WiFi or whatever is cussing out a famous rapper—whether it's Drake or Kanye or whoever—for not being "hard" enough.
Big Ghostface: Nah...I read a couple blogs by my brethren like Brick James over at front-free.com n Felonious Munk who drops a lotta jewelz on youtube. Far as reviews go I might read a couple in XXL or the Source...but I dont really put any value in it. I dont get swayed easy par. Far as the coffee shop bloggers... I aint really sweatin all that. If somebody reads my shit n the only thing they see is the words "soft" n "baby thighs" then they the ones filterin out shit. I say a lot more than that b. I might say ignorant shit but I aint stupid namsayin.

GQ: Your review of Take Care might be your most popular post yet, though... has Drake slowly morphed into your nemesis, or you into his? What are the other things you're saying that might be getting overlooked these days?
Big Ghostface: Nah. To tell you the truth if I wasnt gettin hit wit hundreds of requests a day to speak on shit regardin Aubrey I woulda slowed up on that a long ass time ago b. Apparently thats what the people who follow my moves wanna hear bout the most. They send me pictures...they ask me to speak on his album cover...they want me to go in on individual songs n shit. I even ignore half that shit cos I aint really care bout ALL the shit he do. But people had expectations for that review. Lotta people thought maybe I ran outta shit to say too. So I had to come correct wit that n make it special. Niggas think I got a gripe tho. They free to think what they want par.

Dont get me wrong tho...I dont wanna hear sons music still. But I dont pray for lightning to strike son in his sleep or nothin like that. It aint that serious.

GQ: Is there a chance of him retaliating? You know full well he's sitting on a laptop at 3 a.m. feverishly Googling himself. It's only a matter of time until he finds out about this, if he hasn't already.
Big Ghostface: Nah. He knows bout it. There aint no way son hasnt heard bout that shit cos its not like its only comin from my voice now namsayin. You wont hear one voice in the middle of the night singin a song but once other people join in n that shit becomes a chorus of voices singin the same song...you start to pick up on it. The shit started out as a spark but its growin into a fire. But son should keep doin what he doin... which is ignorin or pretendin he dont hear the negative shit people got to say. That go for whoever... not jus me son. Thats if he smart tho. N I dont doubt that son is smart. But you dont address the people castin stones at you unless you got some to throw back.

GQ: What will the blog address in coming months when (presumably) Drake becomes a little less ubiquitous? What does the future hold for Big Ghost Chronicles? Are you in a holding pattern until the next Wiz Khalifa record?
Big Ghostface: Nah son. Like I said tho the shit evolved into what the people who enjoy my shit wanted to hear. People who think all I do is call out wack shit or dream bout throwin Drake off a 84th floor balcony all day really aint payin attention namsayin. I got a joint on my blog called "What is Hate?" If you aint up on what my m.o. for all this shit is...that particular shit rite there might got some answers for you son. I started doin reviews cos thats what niggas was askin me for son.

GQ: I think those were all the questions I had... anything you'd like to add?
Big Ghostface: Nah not really son...I jus hope muthafuckas realize that I represent the cause. My cause is noble as fuck b. Thats why I dont try n step outta my own shadow son. I aint doin nothin for fame or for doe. The god jus tryin to keep the shit humble namsayin. Word is bond.

Rob Harvilla is managing editor at Rhapsody. His Words With Friends name is "uncouther," should you wish to have your ass kicked hither and yon.

corky831
12-06-2011, 09:06 AM
lol

OntheHorizon
12-06-2011, 10:59 AM
Wow, did this dude really make it into GQ with his blog??

Props to the guy tho because thats some funny shit

SL33
12-06-2011, 12:25 PM
hahaha lol

Sky Blue Bally Kid
12-06-2011, 01:43 PM
Volcano Hands Tone holding it down!

My gripes aint wit Aubrey in particular. He might be the ringleader for the Spa Rap Movement but I aint sweatin dude jus cos he soft.

Rofl!

Fatal Guillotine
12-07-2011, 02:38 PM
shit i needed a laugh (+rep)