Slim T's debut: HOW A GOOD GUY BECOME CRIMINAL

[Edgar Erebus]

Finally I'm on the way to city of dreams,
Goddamn place which name every bitch here screams
Cause in my hood high peeps holla every day
Fuck hood, fuck Europe, America's the way,
So I hit the dirt, walked on the dart
Right to the office where I got that green card
Or maybe tourist visa, I don't remember well,
I just felt like I'm now escaping from hell.
Spent all my money on the ticket for plane
Fuck that, I'll get another, man, I know that I can.
My connection waited me right on the airport
We sit in his car and rolled straight on
To the city of dreams, to the city of cash
Where I thought nobody will ever stop my dash.

First I saw a thing that I really admired
You could get weed anywhere, I wasn't tired
Of searchin' on the street, my friend bought it
And I had to admit it was pretty good shit.
Next day I should start doin’ my job
Something like pizza man, I didn’t want to rob.
To celebrate this we went to the club,
As I was weeded, I tried to find some cheap hoe love
Looked on the place, remember, I was high,
I saw that cool chick sittin’ on the right
Her eyes were blue, her body was tight,
I prepared myself to that kind of fight.
She looked me and smiled, said her name was Gail
Then she pulled cop badge and locked me straight into jail
When I got sober I looked around me,
Then I realized I’ll never be motherfuckin’ free
With all that black gangsta faces sittin’ there,
Waiting for some change to happen anywhere.

[Edgar Erebus]

I can’t explain how the fuck I got out,
I reminisce searchin’ my friend all around,
Then I bought newspaper, remained all shocked,
My friend was another peep killed by a Glock.
Nothing really special, just mob gunfight,
But having mafia connections ain’t healthy, right?
Fuck dreams, I felt like I just awoke
After bad dream, but I choked
When I realized that I’ll never run away
Cause I hadn’t enough money neither to stay.
First night on the street, I almost froze,
I needed all next morning to melt my toes.
Second night in the park, I thought I’m gonna die,
All the night askin’ myself: “Goddamn, why?”
Third night I woldn’t survive, now it is time,
For an illegal immigrant to commit his first crime.

I stole a knife from the fast food,
All day preparing myself, I know that I would
Maybe have to kill first victim that I see.
I stole the wallet from the lady that peed
In the park, but she had fucking little money,
Then I robbed another bitch, her name was Honey,
I learnt that from her ID surrounded by cash,
That was my first stealing smash.
First I ate, then I felt fine,
The rest of the money I spent to buy a nine.
Now I know gun dealer was so motherfuckin’ dumb,
‘Cause he sold a gun to a person he didn’t knew,
Now he’s probably dead, but as I said,
That’s is the way I started to rob for my bread.
It’s a dangerous job, that is all I knew,
but the job got easier when I got my own crew.
Got fake documents, and that was final,
So now you know how some good guy went criminal.

[Edgar Erebus]

Tell me what you think about this, I seriously wanna brush up my skills.

[denaturat]

Flows ok, cool story, but the flow is a bit repetative and predictible - sounds kinda old school actually. Try using more metaphors, similies, punchlines and humour. The best part is story, but the form needs work. Did you ever try putting it to the beat? I think there would be some awkward pauses. Keep working at it.