View Full Version : Chuck Norris can..

Iron Man
05-11-2006, 03:35 PM
Some on here are really good and really made me laugh hard.

1.Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

3.Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

4.If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

5.Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month

6.The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

7.Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

8.Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

9.When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

10.Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

11.Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

12.To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

13.Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

14.When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

15.A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

16.Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

17.Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

18.Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

19.As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

20.Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

21.A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

22.Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

23.Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

24.Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

25.If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the !&$% down.

26.Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a !&$%ing Indian.

27.Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

28.Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.

29.Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris requires a crane to mount women upon his !&!@$.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the $!@% out of little kids.

One time Chuck Norris stubbed his toe, and destroyed the whole state of Ohio.

Chuck Norris' urine gets 57 miles to the gallon in any Kia. Upon learning that his urine was being used as an alternative energy source to gasoline by a foreign automobile company, Chuck Norris began drinking nuclear waste. Over 1300 Kia owners perished from radiation before scientists identified the problem. Chuck Norris is not sorry.

Chuck Norris' beard is wanted in seven states for murder.

To pull America out of the Great Depression, Chuck Norris listed his beard on the stock exchange. While these shares have become increasingly valuable, no one has ever been game enough to collect.

David Blaine's last magic trick was attempting to survive a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris. He has not been seen since.

Chuck Norris' buddy icon is a picture of Tony Danza fellating himself.

When Chuck Norris was born, his parents sent a group of miners into the depths of Africa to find a diamond pure enough to cut his beard. They are still searching.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the !&$% down.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his motherís womb.

If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

God wanted 10 days to create the world. Chuck Norris gave him 6

05-11-2006, 03:36 PM
Lol, they are still funny, but i know them all already :p

Professor Poopsnagle
05-11-2006, 03:58 PM

05-11-2006, 04:53 PM
old but funny

05-11-2006, 05:03 PM
chuck norris vs highlander

i think would end the world

05-11-2006, 09:30 PM
17.Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.


05-11-2006, 11:11 PM
You have way too much time on your hands and this should be moved to the retardo thread.....................................

Real Bitch
05-11-2006, 11:14 PM
All about some guy named "Chuck".

05-11-2006, 11:15 PM
chuck norris fighting a grizzly bear after it ate 50000 gummy worms isn't a pretty sight

05-12-2006, 05:12 AM
fuckin chuck norris

na diel
05-12-2006, 03:41 PM
...I got a total gym autoghaphed by the legendary one

05-12-2006, 03:52 PM

Greek Gheynician Anal Tradition
05-12-2006, 04:27 PM
Chuck is a legend..

05-12-2006, 07:19 PM
know what Chuck can do? get on my fuckin myspace and leave an opinion on this track I posted.

www.myspace.com/infinity99 (http://www.myspace.com/infinity99)

Damn, this is like one of my home away from homes and ain't nobody said shit. That's cool, keep talkin bout B-hop's ryhmes ....SMH. I ain't fishin 4 compliments here, I'm just doing my job.


Thai Gear
05-12-2006, 09:35 PM
funny very funny

Thai Gear
05-12-2006, 09:39 PM
this is great stuff