View Full Version : Best story ever! READ!

05-15-2006, 09:37 AM
This is a story about Princess Toadstool (Super Mario) written by Homeless James or Hojay as he calls himself. Just read it, it's amazing.

One day she was walking down to the store with a handfull of Mario's food stamps so she could get a Big Gulp, a box of tampons, a pack of Kool's cigarettes, and a teryaki beef stick.

Unfortunately, the only beef stick she would encounter that night would belong to Luigi, insanely jealous and driven to a deep violent psychosis. It's Marcia Brady syndrome... Mario got the spotlight, he got the girl and he kicked Bowser's ass. And what did Luigi get? A stupid fucking green plumber suit and a case of herpes.

Naturally, Luigi did what any levelheaded normal member of society would do: he hid in the shadows of a dark alleyway until the time was right and he sprung into action, tackling her to the ground, wrestling her into submission, locking in a sleeper hold and using his superior strength and a conveniently placed fire flower powerup to drag her into his demented nest.

He proceeded to shoot fireballs out of his hands, burning her clothes to a crisp and rendering her naked and defenseless, doomed to a fate of being ravaged by a second-string video game character with herpes.

It was a horrible sight, he beat and raped her until he was out of breath. Then he took a break and some nearby homeless men took turns on her until he found a 1-up life powerup, turning him back into Big Man Luigi so he could have his way with her again.

By this point, Mario was home from his modest plumbing job and needless to say, he was quite disturbed by the lack of dinner on the table and the general disarray of household items. He was prepared to beat Princess Toadstool damn near to death with his plunger, so he struck out on the prowl and began tracking her down via the line of bread crumbs she had dropped because she's strictly a trophy wife. All looks and no brains. No navigational skills, but man, what an ass.

Soon enough, he arrived at the perpetually dark alleyway and saw his ex-BFFL Luigi and the homeless men running a train on his woman. He knew he had to formulate a plan, but fuck it, he was too drunk and fat to be clever so he yelled to get their attention.


Unanimously, the hoodlums' heads snapped to attention, cutting sharp holes through the stale night air like cheddar cheese. Mario playfully tapped his plunger in his hand, a sign of impatience. The homeless men were alarmed and scuttled off into the night, while Luigi smiled casually, showcasing his grotesque, sickly yellow teeth deeply contrasted by his dark green dingy plumber's cap.

"I was wondering when you'd show up," Luigi smoothly drawled out, trying to stall and distract Mario as he slowly reached above his left back pocket to tightly grasp the .38 special clasped between his pants and the bare skin of his sweaty lower back. "I'm afraid your woman won't be greeting you. I just shot a fireball up her ass. I knew I should have wore a rubber... Toadstool always looked like the kind of girl who would make fire come out of your dick."

Driven by uncontrollable fury, Mario lunges forward, swinging his plunger like a retarded house painter on speed. Unfortunately, the portly plumber stumbles over a cardboard refridgerator box/transient mansion and falls on his face. Not soon after, he feels cold steel pressed up against the back of his neck, right at the base of his skull. Hearing the familiar *click* of a chamber loading sends an icy chill down Mario's spine.

"It didn't have to end like this, man..." recollected Luigi. "Why couldn't it have been called Super Mario and Luigi Brothers? Besides the fact that it doesn't sound catchy at all, it's too long and it's gramatically incorrect. And why couldn't you tag me in and let me hit the big finisher on Bowser? You totally made me look like a jobber, fatass. You always hog the glory just like you hog the gravy."

"I'm sorry, Luigi," Mario sobbed through a viel of salty tears dribbling down his face. "Marrying that bitch Toadstool was the worst thing I ever did. She's always nagging at me to lose some weight and find some direction and get a real job, enough of this plumbing shit and jumping on goomba heads and disarming bob-ombs. Can't we just let bygones be bygones... brother?"

"Hmm... Lemme think about it."

Luigi pulls the trigger, sending Mario's brains splashed against a nearby brick wall like demented splatter art. Chunks of skull and lumps of grey matter ricochet and land innocently on unconsious Toadstool's bare belly.

A satisfied smile creeps across the disgruntled plumber's face, which slowly evolves into a doubtful grimace, eventually giving way to an expression of total remorse, realizing the horrors he's just committed. His arm shaking, he raises the snub nose to the roof of his mouth, says a silent prayer and pulls the trigger for the second time, sending the contents of his own head through a hole in the top like a dolphin surfacing for water. Convulsing, his body crumples to the ground. Humorously and unintentionally, it falls into the shape of a hilarious sexually suggestive position, where it looks like he's skullfucking Mario.

A sea of vagrants, attracted by the gunshots and the smell of fresh blood, swarms onto the scene and quickly begin starting a bonfire so they can cook Mario and Luigi's corpses and be fed and satiated for the first time in months.

Meanwhile, Toadstool eventually regains consiousness and crawls to a nearby hospital, where she's treated for her wounds and diagnosed with AIDS. She is impregnated but decides she doesn't want to give birth to a baby who's doomed from the start with the devilish syndrome, so she flings herself off of a large building after reciting a large, overly rehearsed speech to the curious onlookers about the dangers of fucking plumbers and starring in video games.

05-15-2006, 10:17 AM

Damn, that was a damn funny story :lmao:

Kinda sick too :p

05-15-2006, 03:02 PM
Id rep you but i cant cuz that shit is the
greatest story never told

05-15-2006, 03:11 PM
Don't rep me, rep Captain Hojay.

05-15-2006, 03:38 PM
fuckin hilarious

Kriszy Substance
05-15-2006, 03:42 PM
Not bad. Gave me a few laughs...lol @ retarded house painter on speed...

05-16-2006, 04:27 AM
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky,

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an African ,

using Bill Gates 's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that use Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Pakistan lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friend, is Globalization !!!!

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people
in the world. If I'm not there, I go to work.

05-16-2006, 05:41 AM
a string of actions that lead to one place.


05-16-2006, 06:45 AM
ill story, i like it

05-16-2006, 07:47 AM
whens the sequel?

05-16-2006, 07:49 AM
The guy who wrote that has more stuff. I could post a thing or two.

05-16-2006, 08:38 AM

05-16-2006, 08:40 AM
Well, thanks for reading it...