PDA

View Full Version : *****AcidPhosphates Acidic Rhymes*****


AcidPhosphate69
07-04-2005, 09:53 AM
Gotcha in critical condition, about analytical missions, digital petition to remove the comission, decision about to become the incision into the heart of darkness, the start of sharpness, land locked Lochness with deadly aim, as soon as I came the game changed, nothin' will eva be the same, it's a shame for shamanistic , ballistic, sick shit that comes twisted like a cyclone, my mind's edge cuts you to the bone, streets is my home, where it's a war of clones, bullets like stones skip across the water of peace, a crease in a cease-fire by cats who be livewire, full of desire, murder for hire, the town crier, cryin', tellin' tales of treacherous tryin' and terrible dyin', spyin' like a secret agent 007, eleven eleven is twenty-two send ya to Heaven, heathen I'm neva leavin' even if I contract a disease and fall down bleedin', I'll continue to blaze trees where-ever I please until I'm deceased, oh...she's a breeze, a ho on her knees, a distraction from the real action, packin' my method of attackin' I'm never slackin', I remember way back when I thought this neva would happen, so I chose rappin' over cappin' or slappin', slangin', bangin' or head-rangin', no shame in shakin' when I came in, I'm not blamin' you for flamin' at me, I'd the same if my girl was wavin' at me, cravin' that sheek, sleek cat with the sweet , sly speech, you within my reach, you a beach that doesn't deserve the sea, understand what I mean? get off my scene bitch

Remember, that shit is from like 2 years ago and I did it when I should have been taking notes

White N Dangerous
07-04-2005, 02:47 PM
its accutally good, i was feeling it. 9/10

TSA
07-04-2005, 05:15 PM
that was an insane in flame rhymes thats on fire

AcidPhosphate69
07-04-2005, 08:37 PM
Yo, thanks for the feedback.

PsYkOsUs
07-04-2005, 10:50 PM
that was an insane in flame rhymes thats on fire
LOL, that comment didn't make the least bit of sense...

decent verse, it'd read better if it wasn't in paragraph form...

PEACE

PSY

GuardianOne
07-05-2005, 01:10 AM
Remember, that shit is from like 2 years ago and I did it when I should have been taking notes
I thought you had written it yesterday, at school. Which needed to be questioned that you should have been concerntrating with the lessons. Anyway it was cool the verse, although at the beginning it seemed a bit shallow in the lyrical content. But it was alright, i suppose you were busting.

Peace

I-Legit
07-05-2005, 01:20 AM
"People Get Away With Murder, Like When Kids Think Their Words Rhyme Cause Of The Suffix"
- Jakki Da Motormouth

AcidPhosphate69
07-06-2005, 11:16 PM
I wrote this back when I was really into the whole, "I want holes in my brain" state of my life, which was about a year ago. The flow is weird on this one. Just read it like you're reading a book.

Damn, I'm taken...spacin'...try retracin' the steps I took last night. Am I alright? Why is my nose broken....did I get into a fight? Might as well settle down before I'm dead in the ground. Back then? I was better than now. Perpetual frown whenever I come down. I've smoked coke AND crack...damn, imagine that. Throwin' powder in a bowl is where it's at. Snorting and contorting my ways. I rolled face for 8 days straight. Then I took a day break then back on with that disco cake. Wake and bake, Always rooms for shrooms but, here we all call them booms. I've seen too many friends laid in tombs. Took it too far staight to their dooms. I've taken so many pills I can't remember with what they're filled. Morphine seemed like a blast...but fuck heroin...that shit will last. Stick to my psychology, monkey on my back with no apology. I almost died, got hit by a car while I was on them yellow torches. My brain is fried, so far gone and so hot off ex my footprint scorches. I was wheelin' and dealin' to anybody who'd buy the feelin'. it was appealin' seein' my customers reelin' from quality rolls. that is until my greed got outta control. I let my boy's lil' bro get a hold of one of those yellows. it wasn't even mellow, hello...this little kid is freakin' out...tweakin' out about how he thinks he's gonna die, damn dog...i think i'm gonna cry. this is my little man right here, about to kick the can right here. shit dude, this rhyme is too deep...so now, i'm just gonna creep to sleep. Peace.

the messiah
07-07-2005, 01:47 AM
thats some crazy shit kid, were u really that fucked up? aside from the bad expirence it was an ill drop...peace and 1

GuardianOne
07-07-2005, 02:31 AM
Quite intricate, don't inform others on how they should read it (let them pick the flow). But the verse has a lifestyle that it portrays which is quite vivid and well place. Nice verse, eratic just as the lifestyle you wrote may seem. I will not comment on the flow, cause the lifestyle can create such a mixture of events (and distorted). I have not read alot of verses such as this one. Especially the content. Take care!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace

AcidPhosphate69
07-07-2005, 09:44 PM
Yo' seriously thanks for the feedback. Yeah, shit was fucked then but I dunno, life is better now. That little kid I was talking about, he's doing good now but seriously, that little kid was fucked. He's like 4" flat, 14 years old and I've seen this kid do some crazy shit. It's fucked up cuz the kids he hung out with were all of us at our worst times. Those 8 days I rolled, he was tagging along with me the whole time. On the real, I got mad love for that little dude cuz he's been there for the kind of shit no little kid should be around.

martyr
07-08-2005, 09:02 AM
...interesting script... drugs are bad... i used to do what you did in that rhyme but i dropped it... the flow is real hot at points but like a story book at others... the imagery was there... you need to write in bar format though... not much vocab beyond the drug slang... a wasted line about mushrooms being called booms i felt... all drugs stick to your psychology... and where is the drug you got your name sake from... keep scripting man...

Rebel_INS
07-09-2005, 06:40 AM
Nice

AcidPhosphate69
07-27-2005, 06:28 AM
wrote this last night...got some shit on my mind i needed to get out

mad strife around me, bad life surrounds me
astounds me to see, that i can try but never succeed
evil deeds done, come sow the seeds of fun
straight up wile out, but ya last mile's out
luck is runnin' down, fuck...i'm comin' down
comin' round to the reality, of my criminal individuality
caught up with a rep, cops hot on my step
crept up cruisers, kept watch on users
abusers, losers, and bruisers
i got nothin' to show, nowhere to go
so, i'm wishin' that this shit will just blow
over and i can escape, this sobering fate
what i worked to create, is about to disintigrate
i hate what i've become, not so young and still dumb
from shit called a town, pit-falls abound
hearin' sirens sound, fearin' po-nines around
i get away to scrape by another day
either way, this shit isn't okay
what will i say please, how will i stay free
god, save me...i crave thee to raise me
up from the grit and grime, to a more innocent time
how can i survive when fives ride, must hide
buy a minute, caught up...stuck in it
called a game but you'll never win it
once you begin it, you'll never finish
diminished hope, failed ways to cope
light at the end of the tunnel? nope
i'm coked, stoked...choked by the rope
strung up, hung up, caught up and legally shot up

AcidPhosphate69
07-15-2006, 12:14 AM
Alright, here goes nothing...

jallainINS
07-15-2006, 12:17 AM
ur right so far...

AcidPhosphate69
07-15-2006, 12:22 AM
Quick reply try to beat the clock
Stick wit my jive, I strive to be the rock
Stop bawks, lyrical cops leave you in locked box
Ever extendin sentence, menace wit no penance
fuck the dentist, my truth hurts tooth like cavity
shoot the moon, poon...you fall from gravity
depravity happily, stop druggin' actually
start buildin' factualy, with mind factory
start attackin' me, you slackin' see
Dirty D blood, heard of me? mud
from the Earth, some underestimate my girth
worth, not a mil, closer to nil
shirts ill worn, closet to fill
pause at the bill, the cause my pockets still
need green like, shit, my phone fiends callin'
not stallin' just trying to get my balls in
this bitch, shit...i fucked this flow quick

mashqauck
07-15-2006, 12:24 AM
ur right so far...

hahahaha

ill spit son!

White N Dangerous
07-15-2006, 12:31 AM
Quick reply try to beat the clock
Stick wit my jive, I strive to be the rock
Stop bawks, lyrical cops leave you in locked box
Ever extendin sentence, menace wit no penance
fuck the dentist, my truth hurts tooth like cavity
shoot the moon, poon...you fall from gravity
depravity happily, stop druggin' actually
start buildin' factualy, with mind factory
start attackin' me, you slackin' see
Dirty D blood, heard of me? mud
from the Earth, some underestimate my girth
worth, not a mil, closer to nil
shirts ill worn, closet to fill
pause at the bill, the cause my pockets still
need green like, shit, my phone fiends callin'
not stallin' just trying to get my balls in
this bitch, shit...i fucked this flow quick

the highlighted parts is wat i was feeling, not too bad for your first drop in ur thread, but i see alot of room for elevation

AcidPhosphate69
07-15-2006, 03:28 AM
no bitches on the phone this time

AcidPhosphate69
07-15-2006, 03:37 AM
My phone bashed my zone, capone known around my home
Dirty Derry born and raised, now i'm very torn, enraged
taken from my grounds, when my feet pound down i astound
shake the very earth, with steps across nature's birth
please believe these seeds be decieved
none achieve when born slaves to trees
go ahead, blaze if you need, but heed instruction
or you crazed indeed, mind flows trample like steed
stallion wilin' from the child of the emerald island
blinded by diamond, i'm finding my true bindin' in rhymin'
applyin' thought not often sought, got caught sellin'
what people bought, but i'm still not tellin'
toss me down a well n' take away the ladder
drain my bladder, swim to the top in my own waste matter
i taste badder, as a matter of fact, spit me back
you know my flows too dope for this track

alright, i'm going to fucking bed...peace out

AcidPhosphate69
07-15-2006, 03:44 AM
Not a freestyle but if this is my thread, then dammit...you'll read what i want you to read. I wrote this like last week when I was bored. Yeah, usually when I write I do it in this format. I'm just getting used to the format I used in above post.

My vocals reveal my local yokal status, ain't the baddest, paint the stratus black, mack daddy, act badly erradictly..exactly my habit see, i'm a true dude doin' like i was still in franklin zoo and it's a fact my stacks my lack something big but i fig it's alright, might as well burn in hell if i dwell on my wealth...my health, dealt a bad hand...friends done mad jams, junk box rocks with fresh white ankle socks, phat farm loafers two legs bellow toaster, above a torso with arms call blunt roasters, of couse oh, it wasn't a question what chu expecting my weapon is mental, dental surgery if you try to murder me, what you ain't eva heard of me?

AcidPhosphate69
02-16-2007, 02:17 PM
Audacious Master of Acid, the bastards blasted
In a fashion outlastin', the task's in motion
My devotion, opens hope and I'm a Pope approached
That means God to you sods, bod wreckin' henchmen
Stenchin' alcohol and methol cigs, I fig I ain't big
But I rig fights in my favor, no savior I raze ya
Hazed ways with no pay I pray crazed, okay?
Anyway, case beatin' brethren, defeatin' fed men
My law skills drop jaws, will you just stop? Pop
Goes the weasel, easy easel paint a picture
Take a flick, pick you destination, probation facin'
Crazed Hatian on crack, cocaine I spoke main-ly
Be pacin', heart racin' tastin' copper bloody
Lovely, muddy styles I run wild, no child
I stand a man, uncanned no preservatives
High Acidic content, I ram blow conservatives
Nativity born Lord, King swing swords of words
Verbs switched, I hitch a ride on my wheelin' pride
Stride with no stutter, nuttin' but-a somethin otha
Than expected, wreckin' sections like Mexican's benchin'
Weight, wait I drape capes, like the great Houdini
Who dun it? I spun it, right back this track stacks
Attacks on whack acts, I smack back when attacked
Mac daddy, exactly paint the Stratus black, baddest fact
Stratusphere near super nova, explodin' metal eatin' substance
The lad is here, sheer group exploda, I roll over better beatin' punkin'
Stunkin' stinkin', tryin' to connect Licolns drinkin hard, pard-ner
Fer...hours I devour sour mash, in a dour crash of will, stashed bills
Killin' villain chillin' with spillin' syllables, simple pimple popped
I leave dimples dropped, smile got...erased ya face lacks taste
Waste of air, dare to compare mon frair with pair of gats
I bust like that, old hat throw back to hacked limbs
I crack timbs against asphalt, it's you own asses fault
You halt, stop..who goes there? Who dares enter lair?
Nair hair removin' choosin' when and where I do abusin'

Bigot Hitman
02-16-2007, 08:58 PM
I stand a man, uncanned no preservatives
High Acidic content, I ram blow conservatives
^^^
True true, i like this bar

The flow u got on this song makes the lines less boring, the metaphors were pretty good on this. I like the topic on this and how u wrote about this character that goes wit ur screen name, nothin clever, its just that u exucuted the verse so good. This is proabaly the best u can get on this site, when it comes to writing un stretched out lines that u can actually rap over a beat and it sound right.

9/10

Mattlocka
02-16-2007, 09:08 PM
Better then MF DOOM nice work man for real.

AcidPhosphate69
02-16-2007, 09:30 PM
Thanks for the feedback guys. I find when I try too hard to be clever I sometimes fuck up the wordplay. On that note, I'm gonna try and step up my next drop when it comes to that. I'm gonna use this as my main drop for freestyle writtens. I'll let you guys know if it's pre-written before I type it up but this, as with most of my shit I just think of off the dome as I'm sitting around bored.

AcidPhosphate69
02-18-2007, 04:32 PM
Full chemical name, Acid Phosphate of Calcium
Pull decibel flame, massive losted fate hassle' em
Wrassle 'em, Hogan brogan holdin' headlocks
Leg locked, arm blocks, harm crocks of shit
I flip, fly off handle and chomp mandible
Tangible being, peeing on seeing, on sight
Whizz kid did bids, drizzed ridden biz lives
SIDS survivor, liver livin', saliva slitherin'
Spit snake, snap take, I cap shake
Meanin', your head shutters, shatters
By my extreme rhyme matters, mad hatter
Mercury poison batter, I bake cake great
Cook book, I shook rooks with quick looks
Nooks and crannies, niched man he's
A beast, greased lightning East writtening
Blightening flows, grown I chose thrown
Crown glown, You clowns known I'm blown
Fuck outta proportion, walkin' abortion
Extortin', kill 'em all and let God sort 'em
Holdin' fort, I'm cold in sorts, blame winter
Flame, flint or cherry, I maim splint for Derry
Ferry over caustic, toxic styles run wild
River giver of death, last breath stretched
To spit lyrics vexed, Pyrex sex now what's next?

AcidPhosphate69
02-19-2007, 05:16 PM
Kamikaze suicide, ride do or die
Fluid I supply, lyrical high with my
Sty-les, wells swell hell or high water
Oughta drop, a bop I mop pops topped
Charts start finish, diminish tinnish metal
Pewter shooter, looter boot trooper
Stupor induced, loose goose guzzlin'
Puzzlin' poet, nuzzlin' flow tight
A night sleep and write, in dreams
Wake up, record scenes seen
Been places, tastless greatest
Latest arrival, baseless survival
Revival of lyrics, delirious serious
Sadisitic sick shit, flick it flame
Bad is it? Fuck it, flash it came
In same blindin' light, bindin' sight
Shut, eyes closed, unopposed
Bowes small sounds, abound ground
Astound hounds, dogs build like logs
Lincoln, resident president presidin'
Bidin' moments, hidin' components
For final show, back break spinal blow
Ryan'll know, spit raps in binal code

Bigot Hitman
02-19-2007, 07:26 PM
^^^
Perfect flow and use of rhyming words, that shit would sound great over a beat. Sounds like a mini part of gza's verse off of "publicity", except u can get his verse clearer.

AcidPhosphate69
02-19-2007, 10:16 PM
I wrote this after a certain incident one drunk night. My buddy got out of hand at a party after drinking Grey Goose, Private Stock, and playin' beruit. Long story short, he started getting on some fight shit and threatening girls and that shit doesn't fly. Either way, it got headed and I headbutted him. The fucked part was he took it to heart real bad and we've been friends for years and at the time we were coworkers. We're friends now but it was fucked up. I'm not even going into the details of it.

Either way, after that long boring ass life story, here is some shit I wrote a while back about it. I just copied and pasted from notepad and I don't feel like fixing it. Enjoy.

SMILE UP IN MY FACE, BUT THE WORDS TASTE FOUL, OWL EYED AND THIRSTY, YOU FAGS HURT ME, I DID DIRTY TO A BOY, YOU HEARD ME, NO NOISE, REAL THOUGHT ON WHAT HAPPENED FUCK A RAPPIN, THIS ISN'T ACTIN', I REMEMBER WAY BACK WHEN THIS NEVER COULD HAPPEN, YOU DUDES WAS TIGHT, MIGHT AS WELL BE MY RIGHT HAND, MY MAN
YOU SCAMMED ME LIKE YOU WAS FAMILY, YEAH, I'M NUEROTIC BUT YOU STILL CAN'T TOP IT, PISSED YOU FAGGOTS DISMISSED AFTER HANDLIN' A DRUNK BITCH, HEADBUTT KISSED LIPS, NOW MY ROACH LIT FINGER TIPS DRIP LYRICS, SO SERIOUS, YOU CATS IS DELIRIOUS
YOU HEARIN' THIS?

I NEVER TALKED SHIT ABOUT THIS WHICH FLIPPED THE GRIP ON DOG SHIT, YOU TALKED BITCH QUICK, BURN MY SHIT, RUN ME OVER, NOW I'M COLDER, I WAS BOLDER IN BEING HUMBLE, YOU STUMBLED TRYIN' TO RUMBLE THE BEAST, LOYALTY DECEASED, I EXPECTED AS MUCH FROM OTHER SUCKAS, NOT FROM SUCH GOOD MOTHERFUCKAS, 5TH GRADE ALMOST A DECADE SAVED IN TAPS, CRAP FLUSHED DOWN DRAIN, YOU STRAIN TO MAKE GAIN WITH LITTLE GIRL BRAIN, BRITTLE WORLD FLAMES
NAMES CROSSED OFF, TIME TO DUST OFF MY SKELETON AND BURN BEEF LIKE WELLINGTON, GO OFF, I'LL NEVER REPENT AGAIN

THIS ISN'T ABOUT WAR DOGS, THIS IS ABOUT TREE TRUNKS LOGGED, STRONG OAK CUT DOWN, WRONG POACHED WHAT I THOUGHT COULD NEVER BE APPROACHED, I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND THIS ISN'T SHITTIN' OR DISSIN', THIS WAS COMMISIONED FOR YOU TO LISTEN, TO MAYBE STOP PISSIN' AND WHININ' YOU DININ' ON FOOD THAT'S POISON, IF YOU MY BOYS THEN DON'T TAKE SIDES, IF YOU MAN, SIT DOWN AND TAKE STRIDES TOWARDS A RESOLUTION TO CONFLICT, THIS CLIK BITCH SHIT HAS GOT TO BE CALLED QUITS, I'M CALLIN' FOR A STALLIN' IN YOUR BALLIN' EYES, BUT KNOW, THAT I APOLIGIZE. WHY? THE LOOK IN YOUR FACE OF HATE WHENEVER YOU STATE MY NAME, THIS IS LAME, NO BALLS, STOP...YOU NOT DAME...REARRANGED THIS DERANGED GAME

AcidPhosphate69
03-14-2007, 01:52 AM
I originally dropped this in the freestyle thread but I figured I have a better chance of getting feedback if I put it in here too. Peep it.

One Breath....
Smoke inhaled, burning plastic stale
Poke fingernail, learning elastic tale
Spastic and frail, dragons tail tethered
To mind balloon blowin' in windy weather
Floatin' in the air, stare in state of not care
Madness material, crack cereal balanced breakfast
Big as Texas I make messes, pick crumbs wit thumb
Lookin' for one, more rock this thought mocks
I cock hammer jam a barrel, blow head like varmint squirrel

Two Breaths...
One in and one out, about to tout clout in snout
Rout I'm taking is pure flake an', I'm shakin'
Wake and bakin', doesn't cut it...I cut it
Love it, leave it please believe it, I don't need it
Who am I deceivin'? Self-defeatin' addicted
Afflicted with sickness, the trick is to lie
To your own soul, I'm cold but warm
Bugs swarm, my mind warps scorpion sting
Was a fling now thing turned to monkey on back
Fuck a King now I sing burned I'm junky on smack

Three Breaths...
Overdosin' coastin', Pearly Gates open
Denied, refused I used and abused
What have I got to lose? My being I'm seeing
Light twice as bright as reason, this disease an'
Pleasin' season summed up, in numbed up
Statis, cryogeniclly wasted faceless tongue tasteless
Basic primal instinct to think, drink drug dope hole dug
Snug and lovely, cozy my nose be bleedin'
Seepin' brain fluid, I blew outta proportion
Self-inflicted abortion, of course when
You realize, the size you surmized to bite
Is far too big, you tries but can't chew right
Night falls on your eyes, you lie awake caked
In dried sweat, you bet you're not dead yet
But close, toasted boastin' host you float
Dope smoked too much coke, you broke
You choke in vomit, scream but cough on it
Slowly pass into the next, from gassed substance hex
You flex once dex-terity, now scarily you can't move
Again, what did you have to lose? your soul...now choose

AcidPhosphate69
03-23-2007, 10:58 PM
Comatosed close, he overdosed post
Bein' clean, weaned off the fein'
Machine breathin', brain dead soul leavin'
No God believin', but now I start to pray
Please, don't take away, he's here to stay
Gray matter catastra-phe, why this disaster plea?
Doin' pins next to meth, now he fightin' for breath
Every minute stretched, watchin' neck for signs
Of live, stife this shit is trite, tonight I cry
You lie if you say you wouldn't, you shouldn't
I couldn't stop, my boy's in last death stop
One step away from heaven, being next to other brethrin
I just hopin', when and if he's lopin' to gates they open
This dude was outspoken, funny nice, twice the cat you mice
Pretend to be, I pretend to see until something like family
Something dear to me, so near to me is taken
My foundation shaken, my heart quaken
Oh Lord, can't I be the taken? I've sinned far more
Only the good die young, so I sum that I'm not done
But I await the minute, my life extinguished
Swished, wished and washed, lost I forgive the Boss
But at what cost? I dare toss the question
I done with this rhyme, it's bestin' my heart beat line
Fine, tonight I dine of unsound mind, why couldn't his be mine?

We love you Kenny Jarvis. I know you won't read this but my heart and soul goes out to you. I await the day when we can be next to eachother again playin' Xbox and making fun of fat ass Alex Billedo. You'll pull through dog, you're too strong for that shit. Love.

Bigot Hitman
03-24-2007, 08:38 PM
Flow-8.0

Standard flow, not as shifty as sum of the other one's i've seen from you, but you still kept it flowing nice throughout this topical piece.

Wordplay-Absent, its ok though, topical rhymes like this don't need metaphors, similes, and that type of thing. Except for the "twice the cat you mice pretend to be" which fit in real good.

Mulities-Absent, again, they ain't neccsary for a good verse.

Originailty-8.8, your concepts you used in describe'in the character, and jus writin, wasn't played out, and said alot, and most of them were unique like this one: "Only the good die young, so I sum that I'm not done"

Overall: This topical piece was full of substance, flowed well, and didn't stray off into punchlines an wordplay that are irrelevent. For constructive critisim though, i would of added at least one metaphor compare'in the duke your talkin about to somethin ya know? Just my opinion, but this was fresh shit dun, peace.

Sun Supreme
03-26-2007, 01:01 PM
ima give you a perfect 10 on the strength that i could feel that shit like you was right here spittin it to me. That shit was honest, personal, and just human for real. Everything that most "rappers" nowadays stray from. I keep u, Kenny, and all family affected in my prayers. Till then keep ya head up, PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AcidPhosphate69
04-29-2007, 04:07 PM
Bringing it back. I got some shit for you fools to read and give feed. This one is from the perspective of a hardcore crack head. Peep it.

Ayo, I need yayo cooked back, call it crack
I got like a 3 stack, ackdiction fact or fiction
Itchin' lickin' dried lips, burnt black fingertips
Pipe lit sight, roamin' through the night
I think I might just like, to suck dick for fix
If I gotta turn tricks, to get cook mix then shit
I'ma get my hit, dippin' dodgin' cardboard lodgin'
Hodge podge of sludged bods, homeless head nods
Leave alley, my eyes survey Sally, takin' talley
Countin' her account, back seat payment amounts
Eyes bounce to floor, lookin' for grip to stick this whore
Screwdriver..what luck, tucked inside a jacket clutched
I crutch hobbled, wobbled over cobbled sidewalk
Played the talk casually, actually Sally knew me naturally
We practically work the same street, our eyes meet
"Hey Mike, you like the weather? No rain and it might get better."
"Yeah Sal, no need for a sweater. How you do tonight with chedda?"
"I net around 20 cash, slow night for sellin' ass."
I bets that's plenty rations, so in a quick fashion
I starts slashin', grabbin' for stash an' mashin'
Fist into floozie's face, "Mike, why this late hate?"
No reply, I stabs the bitch in the eye, no second thought
Take the loot, leave the bitch layin' in thigh boots
Ducks into the dark, hoots and hollers, I got dollars
About 15 minutes passed, I grasp some blast
Pack a pipee, light inhale twist, something is wrong
Not long, I start twitchin'...shit this was from bad kitchen
Oh I'm sick and then swish, gone into dead bliss
Sad the story could end like this, but that's what you get
Fucking around with crack kiss, you die fast bitch

Bigot Hitman
04-29-2007, 06:57 PM
I'll give u sum feedback on that after school tommorow, but i can't go right now. Peace.

AcidPhosphate69
04-30-2007, 11:23 PM
Schizophrenic, manicial blitz dependant
Wear your ovaries, openly as a pendant
Nobody approachin' me, scopin' me
Open throat poked, choke and rope
Tie, torture scorch ya, tippy toe torch ya
Worst bra, back-handin' titties, shit he's
Slanted, manic panic inducing antics
Landin' clit kicks, asshole dick rips
Quick fits, mind blown bitch whips
Tippity top, mopped blood quenchin'
Have I mentioned, I'm high tension?
Dispensin' deftly, doomsday destruction
Cluster fuckin', clowns cloned suction
Bust a muffin', cuffin' blunts and puffin'
Stuffin' cunts, dunce I punt fronts
Once bitten, I slumped smitten
Crack pipe hittin', coke line splittin'
E cast slippin', or be crashed sippin'
Grippin' Captains, I make it happen
Slappin' sluts, heabutt cut smut
Smoke smattered, matter's shattered
Madhatter scatter scurry, from lauched flurry
Curry spiced twice, hurried write nice
Jury slight Christ, blurry sight life...I love it.

SID
05-01-2007, 07:03 AM
"Schizophrenic, manicial blitz dependant
Wear your ovaries, openly as a pendant"

lol.......lovin the opener!

Bigot Hitman
05-01-2007, 03:59 PM
Bringing it back. I got some shit for you fools to read and give feed. This one is from the perspective of a hardcore crack head. Peep it.

Ayo, I need yayo cooked back, call it crack
I got like a 3 stack, ackdiction fact or fiction
Itchin' lickin' dried lips, burnt black fingertips
Pipe lit sight, roamin' through the night
I think I might just like, to suck dick for fix
If I gotta turn tricks, to get cook mix then shit
I'ma get my hit, dippin' dodgin' cardboard lodgin'
Hodge podge of sludged bods, homeless head nods
Leave alley, my eyes survey Sally, takin' talley
Countin' her account, back seat payment amounts
Eyes bounce to floor, lookin' for grip to stick this whore
Screwdriver..what luck, tucked inside a jacket clutched
I crutch hobbled, wobbled over cobbled sidewalk
Played the talk casually, actually Sally knew me naturally
We practically work the same street, our eyes meet
"Hey Mike, you like the weather? No rain and it might get better."
"Yeah Sal, no need for a sweater. How you do tonight with chedda?"
"I net around 20 cash, slow night for sellin' ass."
I bets that's plenty rations, so in a quick fashion
I starts slashin', grabbin' for stash an' mashin'
Fist into floozie's face, "Mike, why this late hate?"
No reply, I stabs the bitch in the eye, no second thought
Take the loot, leave the bitch layin' in thigh boots
Ducks into the dark, hoots and hollers, I got dollars
About 15 minutes passed, I grasp some blast
Pack a pipee, light inhale twist, something is wrong
Not long, I start twitchin'...shit this was from bad kitchen
Oh I'm sick and then swish, gone into dead bliss
Sad the story could end like this, but that's what you get
Fucking around with crack kiss, you die fast bitch

Flow-5/5
Even, slightly stretched on maybe two lines, but with your rhyme scheme the short lines flowed straight.

Metaphors/wordplay 0/0

Concepts/substance-4/5
All your concepts have been said before, so no points for orginality, but you put your own style on them and wrote them good enough so it didn't sound played out at all.

Writing skillz 4.5/5

The story tellin was real simple and great at the same time, if you woulda thrown one stand out metaphor in the verse it would prolly be a 5/5 in my book. But the rhyme schemes that u use are sometimes on the too wild side, but u kept these undercontrol and it flowed/mashed together to sound pretty good.

Overall 13.5/15 White=favorite

AcidPhosphate69
05-01-2007, 09:46 PM
Metaphors/wordplay 0/0


Awwww...that's harsh. While I admit, my metaphors aren't that great and I usually lack them but wordplay is something I try to acheive every time. Either way, it's all good. I know the wordplay on that one wasn't as good as some of my other pieces.

What'd you think of the piece after that? I was a little questionable about the rhyme scheme in some places but eh...whatever.

Bigot Hitman
05-01-2007, 10:13 PM
Awwww...that's harsh. While I admit, my metaphors aren't that great and I usually lack them but wordplay is something I try to acheive every time. Either way, it's all good. I know the wordplay on that one wasn't as good as some of my other pieces.


Its not like that at all, i just didn't catch any wordplay so i just gave u a 0 out of 0, that's not bad at all. Its not like a 0/5, its a 0/0.


The wordplay on the second one was their and live, more entertain too overall.

AcidPhosphate69
05-01-2007, 10:37 PM
Haha...true...a 0 out of 0 isn't as bad as a 0 out of 5. Good looks.

AcidPhosphate69
05-03-2007, 11:34 PM
Remainin' days, I stay blazed
Glazed and never phased, amazed
Lazed with friends, slave to skins
Never blunt slim, green too scuffed timbs
Blue rushed in, sky hue flushed in
New light, few nights I bite bullet
Pull it, beat it, never again greet it
Leave it, meatless, this food treatless
Neatest feature, future recoup or
Fall back, I ain't ready for all that
I call that stupid, I won't loop it
Over and over, this soldier gets older
Holder of high thoughts, sought freedom
Got greed um...weed, and need to feed
Hunger I thirst, for reverse to put it terse
My curse pursed, packed for better or worse
Enforced crash course, the source reports
Ports open or sorts, he short-fused with the wire to lose

AcidPhosphate69
05-05-2007, 08:41 PM
^ That one seem a lot longer when I was high....

Violence supply tense, moments components
Blown, opponents shown, I'm grown hone
My skills to kill, fill mass graves these the last days
Believe the last craze, Satanic man it's scandalous
Handle us, bust brain crust trust I got blood lust
Sittin' bored, mind horde scored reck-ords Lord
Livin' not givin' a flyin' fuck, I'm dyin' to touch
Such Dutched I can't do much, crutch hobble
Wobble beat bobble-headed, dead it's over
Never sober, composer of soldier sonnets
Bee in ya bonnet, on it like stink on shit
Bitch catch a fist, kissed lips split dip
And dive, alive or dead..you catch 5 in the head
Lead burst, hurts what's worse I curse
As I lay dyin' breathless, suspect this
Is evil, weavin' cleavin' and leavin'
Large demons and heathens fiendin'
Semen squirt curtains, ruined true in
The way I work, jerk lurched burn church
Pope slaughter, laughter louder chowdah
Dinin' findin' foes, closed to those who know
Mind dead, soul numb, some fight for crumbs
I fight for feelin', hang from ceiling sounds appealing
Dealing with bad cards, I got no heart start and finish
Diminished you dead, head lopped chopped and dropped
Cops mopped I top the worst yet, I'm a cursed vet
Set is wet, I got no regreat debt is paid, I stay slave
Hatred for days I died inside, Patrick Bateman hate men
American Psycho I might blow, grow Godzilla fill a
Man with knives, lives ruined in rubble stubbled
Rugged, fuck it....I'd love to kick the fuckin' bucket

Poetic Disciple
05-05-2007, 11:06 PM
...........DAMN....3 pages, of raw shit. Nice ass drops man.