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100pr00f
07-05-2005, 07:22 AM
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect loaded Lexus and walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed.

Sure enough, there standing behind her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say! If you farted just touching it, you're gonna sh*t when you hear the price."

Knok-A-Fella
07-05-2005, 07:24 AM
ROFLMFAO

Bless, 1

jaywoods27
07-05-2005, 08:05 AM
ha ha

LHX
07-05-2005, 08:07 AM
i dont get it

price?

100pr00f
07-05-2005, 08:07 AM
u really didnt get it...

LHX
07-05-2005, 08:09 AM
ohhhhhhhhhhhhh now i get it

"hear the price"

Tage
07-05-2005, 08:32 AM
hahahaha... wtf, thats one of the best jokes i've heard. ^and i cant believe you didnt get it.



anyone got anymore?

100pr00f
07-05-2005, 08:35 AM
A deaf mute walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five-dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

LHX
07-05-2005, 08:36 AM
haaaaahahahahaaaaaaaaa

pharmacist

Tage
07-05-2005, 08:46 AM
hahaha, where do you find these corny jokes, they're hilarious!

100pr00f
07-05-2005, 08:49 AM
i got some saved on the comp

Tage
07-05-2005, 08:51 AM
lol.. from where. most joke sites are jus lame.

100pr00f
07-05-2005, 08:51 AM
i dont know...i just searched befor..and svd some...

MantiZ
07-05-2005, 09:06 AM
LOL

MantiZ
07-05-2005, 09:07 AM
1st one was very good, but 2nd is very old...
btw, you got them from ebaumsworld. didn't you?

MantiZ
07-05-2005, 09:11 AM
An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy" and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with her sexual favours."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

Decka
07-05-2005, 09:13 AM
lmao! omg, classic

Decka
07-05-2005, 09:14 AM
http://www.davis-reno.com/signs/shcool.jpg
http://www.davis-reno.com/signs/71.jpg
http://www.davis-reno.com/signs/att03798.jpg
http://www.davis-reno.com/signs/att03803.jpg
http://www.davis-reno.com/signs/att03812.jpg
http://www.davis-reno.com/signs/att03810.jpg
http://www.davis-reno.com/signs/church2.jpg
http://www.davis-reno.com/signs/sorryflowers.jpg
http://www.davis-reno.com/signs/culmeat.jpg
http://www.davis-reno.com/signs/ladiestee.jpg
http://www.davis-reno.com/signs/ouch.jpg
http://www.davis-reno.com/signs/071602.jpg
http://www.davis-reno.com/signs/att03808.jpg
http://www.davis-reno.com/signs/croc.jpg
http://www.davis-reno.com/signs/bong.jpg
http://www.davis-reno.com/signs/weed.jpg
http://www.davis-reno.com/signs/prison.jpg
http://www.davis-reno.com/signs/att03801.jpg
http://www.davis-reno.com/signs/att03809.jpg

http://www.snackspot.org.uk/images/walkersnobbyscrisps.jpg

PolitiC
07-05-2005, 09:18 AM
ahaha funny shit post more jokes

Tage
07-05-2005, 09:18 AM
http://www.davis-reno.com/signs/att03810.jpg

http://www.davis-reno.com/signs/att03803.jpg

hahah

100pr00f
07-05-2005, 09:19 AM
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years

Tage
07-05-2005, 09:21 AM
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years


^MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... fuckin classic!

MantiZ
07-05-2005, 09:37 AM
A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.

“This is a stickup!” He yells. “Put all your dough in a bag!”

“Don’t shoot,” pleads the barkeep. “I’ll do whatever you say!”

The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over. The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartender’s head and says, “All right, now give me a blow job!”

“Anything!” cries the bartender. “Just don’t shoot!”

The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun.

The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber. “Hold the gun, dammit,” he says. “One of my friends might walk in!”

MantiZ
07-05-2005, 09:39 AM
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Alabama. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" The drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

Tage
07-05-2005, 09:41 AM
hahah they both dope matiz..

100pr00f
07-05-2005, 09:44 AM
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Sure had a big dick."

Tage
07-05-2005, 09:47 AM
hahahaha... rofl.

LHX
07-05-2005, 12:12 PM
this some funny shit in here

Decka
07-05-2005, 01:32 PM
http://www.lolpictures.com/pictures/pic4/seaman.jpg
http://www.words-etcetera.com/images/funnies/gasprices.jpg
http://www.words-etcetera.com/images/funnies/image0061.jpg
http://www.words-etcetera.com/images/funnies/image0101.jpg
http://www.words-etcetera.com/images/funnies/image0121.jpg
http://www.words-etcetera.com/images/funnies/image015.jpg
http://www.businessballs.com/images/funnysignsign.jpg
http://www.thehumorsource.com/pictures/1137.jpg
http://www.sc320.co.uk/images/signs/malaysian%20signs1.jpg
http://www.sc320.co.uk/images/signs/0837.jpg
http://www.sc320.co.uk/images/signs/warning.jpg
http://www.sc320.co.uk/images/signs/shoplifters.jpg
http://www.capenterprises.net/3-way.jpg
http://www.capenterprises.net/AR.jpg
http://www.capenterprises.net/crocs.jpg
http://capenterprises.net/stop.jpg
http://www.adamwalworth.com/stuff/signs/1.jpg
http://www.adamwalworth.com/stuff/signs/11.jpg
http://www.adamwalworth.com/stuff/signs/5.jpg
http://www.adamwalworth.com/stuff/signs/8.jpg
http://www.adamwalworth.com/stuff/signs/10.jpg
http://www.adamwalworth.com/stuff/signs/SIGNSACR14.jpg
http://www.adamwalworth.com/stuff/signs/SIGNSACR6.jpg
http://www.adamwalworth.com/stuff/signs/SIGNSACR21.jpg

100pr00f
07-05-2005, 01:34 PM
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?""
Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.........
"I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

Tage
07-05-2005, 01:39 PM
^to small... lol, cba to read.

and decka that

'ILLITERATE'

write for free help... is funny shit lol

Sicka than aidZ
07-05-2005, 03:50 PM
wanna here the funniest racial joke ever?

Sicka than aidZ
07-05-2005, 03:53 PM
Decka!!!

100pr00f
07-06-2005, 07:02 AM
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat." Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

Decka
07-06-2005, 08:30 AM
tell it sicka!!

Mark
07-06-2005, 08:33 AM
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat." Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"
damn, that was teh worst joke i have ever heard lol

100pr00f
07-06-2005, 08:57 AM
hey i tried

100pr00f
07-06-2005, 09:06 AM
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"