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jallainINS
07-10-2006, 03:29 PM
I was kinda jut foolin around the other day to have some fun and came up with this.

Yo yo, the hours are stranger, whoa whoa you cower from danger
No no, popo, I fight evil like Go Go Power Ranger
My rhyme steadily grows, as I readily pose
Chemical foes, I'm seein' more demons than Emily Rose
Swellin' your nose, your smellin' my 'bows
Sellin' my clothes to celibate ho's
Tellin' who knows to quit shellin' their bro's
While linin' up all the dead felons in rows
Rum, yuck, I'd rather drink some muck
Was dumbstruck by a dumptruck that's my bumluck
Some stalker broke into my one locker
Con talker, took away my grandmom's walker
Bomb blocker, he was quite the calm shocker
Was hated by the world even worse than John Rocker
Incest hides, and infests hides
Spread out your CREAM evenly and invest wide
I'm in Best Buy, my interest fried
Still rhymin' more jokes than in Princess Bride
I'll zip in and urge ya, yeah I fricken heard ya
I'm equippin murder, go back to flippin' burgers
Don't shout to retest, cuz I'm just bout thee best
Ha, you doubt me guest? I'm stout so flee pest
Don't pout as we rest, or my clout will meet chest
Tout me like "he blest", and I'm out like Seacrest

jallainINS
07-10-2006, 05:07 PM
heh, thanks man. its been a while since i posted here. a while ago you typed up like two pages of advice for me i dno if you remember. i printed that out and its been in my rhyme book ever since. im definately more talented then i was back then, but im nowhere near you, so its awesome to get some positive feedback from you.

Father N Dangerous
07-10-2006, 05:13 PM
Chemical foes, I'm seein' more demons than Emily Rose


really feel'n this line good shit overall

jallainINS
07-10-2006, 11:23 PM
anythin else please?

VernakuLa
07-10-2006, 11:24 PM
YESSIR nice schemes like the spoken one said

Locust
07-11-2006, 06:37 AM
good use of multies, you improved a lot

Liquid Lines
07-11-2006, 01:37 PM
shit thatas good, I see what you mean about mine now.

jallainINS
07-11-2006, 05:09 PM
white n dangerous, locust, liquid lines, thank you all for the feed, it might be the only recognition i ever get for writin anything so it fuels me to keep goin.

hollywoodrealty
07-11-2006, 06:02 PM
i feel that 1/2 of the rhyme was pure fire, and 1/2 was just alright. Since u were just fooling around when u wrote this, i would take the hott lines, and build on that and make it a whole new song. I liked the following lines..........


My rhyme steadily grows, as I readily pose
Chemical foes, I'm seein' more demons than Emily Rose

Bomb blocker, he was quite the calm shocker
Was hated by the world even worse than John Rocker

Incest hides, and infests hides
Spread out your CREAM evenly and invest wide

Don't shout to retest, cuz I'm just bout thee best
Ha, you doubt me guest? I'm stout so flee pest

Don't pout as we rest, or my clout will meet chest
Tout me like "he blest", and I'm out like Seacrest


some of the other lines like the one about your grand ma's walker and the one about best buy, those can get edited out, the rest like i said flowed well, peace