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View Full Version : a rough draft of life trough my eyes


6what131
07-11-2006, 02:32 PM
a very rough copy of something ive been working on. critisism is welcomed and appreciated.

the worlds boke, realize the insignificance of mechanical repair/ a life time of work to succede, and an instant until it is no longer there/ that why in reality its easier to fall up then it is walkig down the stairs/ so its kind of like, we turn are back to success, only failure is when we care/ accomplished some things, but smoke appeared and vanished into thin air/ quicker then your dreams and visions of rags to riches/ quicker then the split secound of video footage stole, that shows, the pentagon explode before the plane ever hit it/ engraved into stone is what a blind man once wrote, wisdom/ cause he saw the crow, putting pebbles in the water jug and drink it when its finished/ explicit vision, prophetsized the worlds end in 50 years/ the futures bleak, wit statements like heavens no and hells yeahs/one thousand years in the past, people enhanced with the world creation order/ now its controlled chaos, im just the observer and the auther/ watching purchases of 3.99 bottles of avian, and then making ice cubes out of tap water/ to busy steping on the next mans feet, im just relaxing trying to enjoy what this earth has left to offer/ statistics show life expectancy at an all time high, but the soul is living shorter/

hundered yard stares downfeild sippin zinfandel

jallainINS
07-11-2006, 03:53 PM
deep, i like the material, but i couldnt get a flow goin with it. and there wasnt much of a rhyme scheme, but the subject matter was good tho.

6what131
07-14-2006, 09:52 AM
14 views???

Edgar Erebus
07-14-2006, 01:09 PM
Yeah, there's a problem with the flow. Subject matter is fine, I liked the lines "one thousand years in the past, people enhanced with the world creation order/ now its controlled chaos, im just the observer and the auther"