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View Full Version : check this project im working on(need some comments)


RADIOACTIVE MAN
07-13-2006, 10:35 PM
started writing a new story(this is fiction and has been totally made up by me,this is only the intro to it..its also gonna be broken down into a movie script)


"Its late night,lets say around 9,traffic decreases at this time of the day,silence increases,the suttle atmopshere of darkness can somtimes be prevailantly paralyzing here considering the fact that this gas station is stuck in the middle of nowhere.times ticks by,as i slowly glance at my watch wondering where the hell this damn cop is,to be quite honest,im a little scared,you could say more paranoid,the cops usually make a stop here at this time and sit outside making sure my departure from this shop is safe..they always make sure they are punctual,sometimes irritatingly so,but for some reason,today,im really anticipating their arrival,you could say my reason for feeling this way is because of the customers in here at the moment. For instance look at that cat in the right,by the pop machine,yea,the one with dreadlocks and a face that looks like he has seen a million deaths in his lifetime,now this charecter is insanely suspicious,he has been lingering in here for nearly half an hour supposedly still making a decision on what to buy,he has that street rugged man hip hop appeal to him,he looks like the type of cat that dont give a damn about nothing and at this time of the day,that could be very bads news or take a look at that cat in the second isle around the cereal box area,now heres an individual who definately has problems in his life,dont be fooled by his well patterned waves and his new armani suit,or better yet his mercedes benz keys,this cat right here definately reflects the aftermaths of problems at home,perhaps with his girlfriend or wife,his kids or better yet finances,He definately looks like the type of man to unleash his frustration on unsuspecting bystanders in his way and in most cases,im likely to be the recipient of his reaction and then there is everybody else in here,about 6 more people ,moving,talking,shopping away like nothings wrong in this world of ours.Could human beings be this happy and jovial without a single sense of unhappiness? in my world,thats unlikely? and ive always been one to trust my instincts so why am i feeling so paranoid today,why do i feel like trouble is coming my way today,why do i feel like this"

15 minute passes by as the night gets windier,shades of darkness fall upon the shop as i anxiously await the cop and guess who the the devil brings to my doorstep,its the sheriff himself,"whew,what a sigh of relief",i say to myself as the 6,1 sheriff walks in standing high like the long pole of the law,his couragious face definately reflects his pride in being the upholder of the law as he walks in the shop with his well polished black shoes whistling harmonies ive never heard before today.I give him the "im the store clerk" look as he is a new sheriff from who i am accustomed to.I greet him and ask politely "wussup mayne,where officer clarks at,he usually works these shifts".The sheriff looks at me without a smile or a twich of movement in his face and replies in the slowest but most precise way ever "he wont be making it today,he fell sick and asked me to come in for him". i reply quickly "aight man,ive been waitin on you b,he usually aint late nah mean,you have been like half an hr late and thats not good for buisness if you know what i mean". He pauses for a minute,looks at me thru this huge Ray ban sunglasses with a very sarcastic twich of a smile on his face and says "Believe me,you will come to learn that your impatient anticipation of this day might have been something you would wanna reconsider".At this point,his words throw me off,im a little dumbfounded by what he is saying but regard it as a joke and laugh to myself saying to him "o......k,you got jokes sir,i can definately fuck with that yo" and go on back to counting the money in the cash register,Afterall,what was there to be scared of,the law is here,i could trust the sheriff,he is the main reason why i could pull out thousands and count in front of all these customers without a little sense of fear,he is the law,the reason why ive been safeguarded for all these months,even though i dont know this particular cop,my heart seems to trust him but its odd how he gives me the whole "look at all that money" look as im counting the stacks,infact his whole Aura changes the minute i pull out the cash,he becomes more attentive to my actions and slowly watches,i also notice his constant glance of the time every other 5 minutes and why the hell is he juggling from looking at me to looking at the suspicious cat in the suit,why the hell did officer Clarks not make it today,ive known Clarks for too long now and even when he is terribly sick,he still manages to stop through and make rounds.Something isnt quite right but i tell myself {chill cuz,you trippin,your mind is fucking with you again,this man could prolly just be a man of the law just doing his job,what you need to do is count your paper and get outta this shop,head to Tanya's crib for an hour before heading home to the house and kids..haaa the better times"

RADIOACTIVE MAN
07-13-2006, 10:38 PM
By the way,the project is called "THE GAS STATION"

CID DIGITAL
07-13-2006, 10:42 PM
An intro with a set up right off the bat is always dope. I'd like to see where this goes. Will you be posting more in parts as usual? Also.... whats the deal with ur albums? Do u have actual albums cuz you got a fuckin hundred plus songs and I see an album cover in ur icons on soundclick. What's up with it?

RADIOACTIVE MAN
07-13-2006, 10:46 PM
yea..my album is still in progress,im always changing concepts everyday with that nah mean,im actually tryna shop a real deal for this one,as far as this story goes,yea,ill be adding on just to see what yall think,thanks for checking it out fam...

CID DIGITAL
07-13-2006, 10:49 PM
No problem. Also... how hard is it to collab with you cuz uh.....yeah maybe this is a PM convo.

RADIOACTIVE MAN
07-13-2006, 10:51 PM
not hard at all my friend..get at me

mashqauck
07-14-2006, 02:25 AM
my man gravey! I love your shit

we should collab on a story. I think it'd be crazy

I love writing stories but i usually do poetry

bong bong

KEEP THAT UP!

100pr00f
07-14-2006, 07:48 AM
not bad.... looking forword for the rest

haha
cant wait for some new tracks too
peace

CherChezLaMarauder
07-14-2006, 09:33 AM
reading isn't fundamental

BLACKNEFERTITI07
07-14-2006, 09:45 AM
started writing a new story(this is fiction and has been totally made up by me,this is only the intro to it..its also gonna be broken down into a movie script)


"Its late night,lets say around 9,traffic decreases at this time of the day,silence increases,the suttle atmopshere of darkness can somtimes be prevailantly paralyzing here considering the fact that this gas station is stuck in the middle of nowhere.times ticks by,as i slowly glance at my watch wondering where the hell this damn cop is,to be quite honest,im a little scared,you could say more paranoid,the cops usually make a stop here at this time and sit outside making sure my departure from this shop is safe..they always make sure they are punctual,sometimes irritatingly so,but for some reason,today,im really anticipating their arrival,you could say my reason for feeling this way is because of the customers in here at the moment. For instance look at that cat in the right,by the pop machine,yea,the one with dreadlocks and a face that looks like he has seen a million deaths in his lifetime,now this charecter is insanely suspicious,he has been lingering in here for nearly half an hour supposedly still making a decision on what to buy,he has that street rugged man hip hop appeal to him,he looks like the type of cat that dont give a damn about nothing and at this time of the day,that could be very bads news or take a look at that cat in the second isle around the cereal box area,now heres an individual who definately has problems in his life,dont be fooled by his well patterned waves and his new armani suit,or better yet his mercedes benz keys,this cat right here definately reflects the aftermaths of problems at home,perhaps with his girlfriend or wife,his kids or better yet finances,He definately looks like the type of man to unleash his frustration on unsuspecting bystanders in his way and in most cases,im likely to be the recipient of his reaction and then there is everybody else in here,about 6 more people ,moving,talking,shopping away like nothings wrong in this world of ours.Could human beings be this happy and jovial without a single sense of unhappiness? in my world,thats unlikely? and ive always been one to trust my instincts so why am i feeling so paranoid today,why do i feel like trouble is coming my way today,why do i feel like this"

15 minute passes by as the night gets windier,shades of darkness fall upon the shop as i anxiously await the cop and guess who the the devil brings to my doorstep,its the sheriff himself,"whew,what a sigh of relief",i say to myself as the 6,1 sheriff walks in standing high like the long pole of the law,his couragious face definately reflects his pride in being the upholder of the law as he walks in the shop with his well polished black shoes whistling harmonies ive never heard before today.I give him the "im the store clerk" look as he is a new sheriff from who i am accustomed to.I greet him and ask politely "wussup mayne,where officer clarks at,he usually works these shifts".The sheriff looks at me without a smile or a twich of movement in his face and replies in the slowest but most precise way ever "he wont be making it today,he fell sick and asked me to come in for him". i reply quickly "aight man,ive been waitin on you b,he usually aint late nah mean,you have been like half an hr late and thats not good for buisness if you know what i mean". He pauses for a minute,looks at me thru this huge Ray ban sunglasses with a very sarcastic twich of a smile on his face and says "Believe me,you will come to learn that your impatient anticipation of this day might have been something you would wanna reconsider".At this point,his words throw me off,im a little dumbfounded by what he is saying but regard it as a joke and laugh to myself saying to him "o......k,you got jokes sir,i can definately fuck with that yo" and go on back to counting the money in the cash register,Afterall,what was there to be scared of,the law is here,i could trust the sheriff,he is the main reason why i could pull out thousands and count in front of all these customers without a little sense of fear,he is the law,the reason why ive been safeguarded for all these months,even though i dont know this particular cop,my heart seems to trust him but its odd how he gives me the whole "look at all that money" look as im counting the stacks,infact his whole Aura changes the minute i pull out the cash,he becomes more attentive to my actions and slowly watches,i also notice his constant glance of the time every other 5 minutes and why the hell is he juggling from looking at me to looking at the suspicious cat in the suit,why the hell did officer Clarks not make it today,ive known Clarks for too long now and even when he is terribly sick,he still manages to stop through and make rounds.Something isnt quite right but i tell myself {chill cuz,you trippin,your mind is fucking with you again,this man could prolly just be a man of the law just doing his job,what you need to do is count your paper and get outta this shop,head to Tanya's crib for an hour before heading home to the house and kids..haaa the better times"




:thumbup: this is really good. i would buy this in my local bookstore. this is really good and i like the title. this will be a classic!!!:thumbup:

CherChezLaMarauder
07-14-2006, 09:46 AM
shuttup Sicka.... Biotch

Visionz
07-14-2006, 10:03 AM
nice writtens homie. look forward to checking out more. props

Big Bad Man
07-14-2006, 11:14 AM
Its quality! But you canny just cut it like that, I hate waitin on shit, tell us some more fucker!

Unforgiven
07-14-2006, 11:21 AM
Damn homie, don't keep us waiting like that. Thats real tight so far and I know I can't wait for the rest, your definitely a skilled author...somethings not right about the cop though! DON'T COUNT THE MOOONEY! DOOOOONNN'TTT!

Johnny Dust
07-14-2006, 11:32 AM
Very well written. Perhaps some more detail on the gas station interior would be nice.

RADIOACTIVE MAN
07-15-2006, 06:32 PM
thanx yall.im gonna keep updating this page as we go on

check this space

deadlymelody
07-16-2006, 01:13 AM
I think you're on your way. But honestly, my english teacher would throw that in the trash, with the run-on sentences and all. Good idea for a setting and some decent descriptions, but it's tough to read.

RADIOACTIVE MAN
03-23-2007, 08:27 PM
need some more critic on this..upz

Lil' Ruger
03-23-2007, 09:09 PM
its good i like it wheres the rest tho dog?