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Robert
07-24-2006, 01:29 PM
Thought i might as well set this up to drop some verses, feel free to comment on whatever i drop (positive/negative feedback, whatever)

This is some random train of thought shit I did for fun, just to kick things off….

Dealers give free-rocks to pay off three-cops//
While snitches run three-blocks in pumped up reeboks//
My man’s on the b-box while I spit, he-rocks// (no homo)
Ya bitches suck dick while me, I never see-cocks//
For those who aint for-us My grey-matter is porous//
I absorb my surroundings so my wordplay-splatter is flawless//
I drop ghost-verses for bitches that rap-worthless//
I steal ho’s-purses when they give me slack-service//
I aint scared-on-the-mic I guess i never fought-fright//
I get scared-on-a-bike,cause crashes,i got short-sight//
What poor-sight, wish i had a little foresight//
Never cycle at night, the car driver never saw-light.......

Like i said, just some random shit to get things started. Post feedback....
peace

Robert
07-24-2006, 02:02 PM
Holla

White N Dangerous
07-24-2006, 02:05 PM
I get scared-on-a-bike,cause crashes,i got short-sight//
What poor-sight, wish i had a little foresight/


^^^ ight that stood out ta me, ya need ta do something about your structure tho, i don't like how it flows one bit. but it's your first one so theres always time for elevation.. stay up keep blessin

Robert
07-24-2006, 02:12 PM
^^thank you for the feed, but what in your opinion is wrong wit the structure?

jallainINS
07-24-2006, 05:03 PM
this was like purgatory, not good, not bad. it was just there. was okay for starters. kinda simple though. the flow was a little choppy, not as bad as whit n dangerous made me think it was, but it could def could use work.

VernakuLa
07-24-2006, 05:04 PM
this was like purgatory, not good, not bad. it was just there. was okay for starters. kinda simple though. the flow was a little choppy, not as bad as whit n dangerous made me think it was, but it could def could use work.

lol

Robert
07-30-2006, 12:19 PM
This verse is dedicated to a friend that went through a bad time recently, but a think all of us feel something (may not so depressed) like this on the odd occasion, btw i have never experienced the full effects of what i talk of but i know ppl that have and this is my spin on it……

The Man In The Mirror
I wake up, eyes-blurry, so depressed and stressed//
Need to get up, nine-thirty, to address this mess//
Strick routine at best, monotony and dillusion//
A nine-to-five test, monogamy, and confusion//
Why confusion? And where’s my divine retribution?//
Life’s-a-fusion, sadness and pain with no solution//
With no obvious problems that could infect-or-cause//
Pain is so much worse when you cant detect-the-source//
Is there-a-god, Suspect-or-fraud, I question it’s existence//
Beware-the-lord, Respect-for-god, but where is my assistance?//
Thoughts at the basin, shaving face-and staring at reflection//
Looking into eyes that hide not guide, belie my soul’s infection//
I must admit to this, my mind would be a lot clearer//
If I could get some answers from this man in the mirror//
He stares back mockingly, none of this is shocking-me//
We've done this all before, its hard to face your demons properly//
A little flash of silver and the razor blade invites-me//
Do i ignore this, face the day, erase the issues nightly//
Or should i take the razor swiftly, take it to my throat and bleed-it?//
Right then my girl came in and kissed-me, to decide thats all i needed//
The pain inside subsides as thoughts of loved ones tend to save-me//
From, to put it plainly, ending life my parents gave-me//
To see my child perfect, knowin that my-lady-birthed-it//
Despite the long term fight, new life makes mine-maybe-worth-it//
To resort to suicide is to admit your life is worth-less//
Depression irks a man but is your inner struggle worth-death?

Robert
07-30-2006, 12:20 PM
Feed?

noel411
07-31-2006, 03:48 AM
Comments for the second verse...The content was good. I liked the choice of subject matter, but it didn't come off very deep. It was too plain I think. With a piece like this it generally comes off better if you're not so straight to the point, otherwise it's probably gonna sound pretty bland. Maybe try and express your feelings in a more metaphorical sense, so it doesn't sound so "this is what happened, this is how I felt, this is what I saw".

From a rhyme and structure perspective I wasn't feeling it. Seemed like maybe you were going for something that wasn't really there at times. Didn't move smoothly to me. And if you wanna tighten your rhyme schemes, look out for your word choice. For example, you did a series of lines that ended in words that ended with "ution/usion", but the earlier parts of the words didn't match at all. So you're basically just rhyming the same thing over and over. Same rule applies for a lot of your line ends.

Most importantly you've picked something worthwhile to write about. I would suggest gradually trying to tighten different aspects of your writing as you continue to write more pieces. And don't try to go for more than you feel naturally capable of at the time.

White N Dangerous
07-31-2006, 06:13 AM
The Man In The Mirror
I wake up, eyes-blurry, so depressed and stressed//
Need to get up, nine-thirty, to address this mess//
Strick routine at best, monotony and dillusion//
A nine-to-five test, monogamy, and confusion//
Why confusion? And where’s my divine retribution?//
Life’s-a-fusion, sadness and pain with no solution//
With no obvious problems that could infect-or-cause//
Pain is so much worse when you cant detect-the-source//
Is there-a-god, Suspect-or-fraud, I question it’s existence//
Beware-the-lord, Respect-for-god, but where is my assistance?//
Thoughts at the basin, shaving face-and staring at reflection//
Looking into eyes that hide not guide, belie my soul’s infection//
I must admit to this, my mind would be a lot clearer//
If I could get some answers from this man in the mirror//
He stares back mockingly, none of this is shocking-me//
We've done this all before, its hard to face your demons properly//
A little flash of silver and the razor blade invites-me//
Do i ignore this, face the day, erase the issues nightly//
Or should i take the razor swiftly, take it to my throat and bleed-it?//
Right then my girl came in and kissed-me, to decide thats all i needed//
The pain inside subsides as thoughts of loved ones tend to save-me//
From, to put it plainly, ending life my parents gave-me//
To see my child perfect, knowin that my-lady-birthed-it//
Despite the long term fight, new life makes mine-maybe-worth-it//
To resort to suicide is to admit your life is worth-less//
Depression irks a man but is your inner struggle worth-death?



god damn man you blew me away with this piece, all da Red is ya average ta above average quotables, mainly the thie things that stood out to me in a sense. The Orange However was the stuff that i think pushed your ability ta the next level, really suprised me your thoughts could be so deep.

CAN'T W8 TA SEE YA NEXT DROPS

Robert
07-31-2006, 08:27 AM
Cheers for the feed Noel and wnd, anyone else got an opinion?

VernakuLa
08-01-2006, 10:09 AM
ok, second "rugged rap" Was deff. a step up from the first homeboy ya dig, more creative...gots a bit deeper wit yo' schemes...don;t worry bout the schemes tho man, they only gets easier

First rhyme i wasnt feeling

Second one was dope, had a lot of emotion and used some good schemes

Not to mention the imagery was good they way you was tellin' a story, well, I fo'real dig that shit.

Keep scriptin' the sickness

_OnE

Robert
08-03-2006, 12:49 PM
This is some shit i penned recently, sorta a cross between a battle rap and horrorcore, its not meant to be deep, please give feed on the wordplay, flow and all that.....

Violent thoughts…
Pump shotty double action, hunting wit bloody passion//
Ready with war rations, put the tank in muddy traction//
I run terror factions, my rhymes have cities collapsin’//
Nightsticks and ice-picks, splitting crowds wit Pole-axin’//
Active never relaxin’, deploy rhymes and ready for action//
My raps laced with codeine, rap fiends dosed and steady relapsin’//
Its simple science, address me wit a positive enaction//
You get a negative reaction, knives divide to ten-fractions//
Scimitars carve wit vicious action, pure evil interaction//
Be at your door like Vern, Yo what’s PoppacrackleLackin……

The last line is a bit of a joke really, it just to be in Vern’s sig.
Please give me some feedback....
peace

SHRAP
08-03-2006, 01:06 PM
Rugged Like Pink Poodles And Cotton Candy

Robert
08-03-2006, 01:10 PM
Rugged Like Pink Poodles And Cotton Candy
Lol, thought you'd drag your ugly ass over here some time....
Someone told me you were actually good at rapping, true?

SHRAP
08-03-2006, 01:25 PM
you put your worthless 2 cents in any thread i make, i return the favor

Robert
08-03-2006, 01:34 PM
^^thank you......

WARPATH
08-03-2006, 01:40 PM
Line for line there's a lot going on as far as rhyming. I'd say use that talent tworard more of a story telling verse, I know your good with that.

But overall i'd say these rhymes are pretty good, I'd just say to try and kick it up a notch by envolving more emotion in your work.

tha god concept
08-03-2006, 11:04 PM
yo homie ya flow is ridicuolous!!!

strong lyrics as well, and you can deffenitly tell a storie

that track about ya boy was nice as hell

keep writtin i love checkin out ya shit

~1~

Robert
08-03-2006, 11:08 PM
^^^^Cheers man, much appreciated.....

Robert
08-06-2006, 11:42 AM
Anyone else care to comment on the last verse?
peace

SHRAP
08-07-2006, 12:03 AM
it sucked fuckin dingo dick

Robert
08-07-2006, 09:11 AM
^^cheers for the original insult......

Bigot Hitman
08-10-2006, 04:00 PM
Anyone else care to comment on the last verse?
peace

7.5 outa 10, try usin more metaphors, your rhymin is on point.