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noel411
12-10-2006, 11:52 PM
The dark recess of his mind, not exposed to those outside,
He appears to be together, but down below the doubt hides,
Without pride he is nothing so he searches for success,
Yearns to be the best but is hurting from the stress,
It alerts him to the mess that was his troubled early years,
An unfortunate fate would create a world he fears,
He just wanted to fit in with the rich and prestigious,
But felt he was an outcast like a witch or a midget,
Though he’d talk cocky and gloat, he walked a rocky road,
His true emotions were something that he rarely showed,
So much built up tension he was scared he’d explode,
But this decay stayed at bay and was barely exposed,
He rose in status in the professional world,
Found himself a beautiful and respectable girl,
He knows it matters to her that he tries hard,
But deep down his wealth is a lie, a façade,
He tries his best to impress her but still feels inferior,
He’s like a shiny new Porsche with a battered interior,
Unable to focus, his career starts to slip,
At last his girl parts with his heart in a grip,
Now an abundance of disappearing cases occur,
The names are all female, and they all look like her,
Excercising power and control to cure his chagrin,
Using manipulative techniques to lure a catch in,
Few could compare to his guile, and fewer could match him,
He mapped out traps for the girls he was snatching,
He’d wear a plaster cast and ask for assistance,
To carry books to his car, parked not a far distance-
Away, he’d say and they displayed little resistance,
He practiced this tactic in more than one instance,
Remains were eventually found in the form of scattered bones,
The most notable of which were some worn and battered domes,
The zone full of bones, torn, shattered and thrown,
Rookie cops were warned to leave the matter alone,
Cause even vets were left with more questions than answers,
And the best had stress that festered like cancer,
The chance to bring the man to justice finally came late-
One night when they pulled over car with the same traits,
As the one described by many young ladies,
Who had been approached by a man in a cast who seemed shady,
The officer removed what he described as a “rape kit”-
From the car, put it into a bag and then taped it,
The kit included a balaclava and handcuffs,
As evidence in court items likely to stand up,
The case built against him was to demand tough-
Defense, and he’s tense cause he’s sensed that the can’s rough,
Only he’s man enough to handle the case,
His complacency shows when he stands in the place,
Of his own defense, representing himself,
With access to the books on the law library’s shelves,
The case was based on the testimony of one-
Girl who had escaped a murder/rape and then run,
He’s convicted but only for kidnap and assault,
And continues studying texts from the library vault,
While sentencing is temporarily brought to a halt,
He’s doing more than just learning, and when this is clear,
He jumps from a window and then disappears,
But his ankle's hurt in the fall so he never strolls far,
And is picked up as the driver of an out of control car,
His cold heart so fatigued he gives very little fight,
And in his new cell he lives with very little light,
But he still sits at night writing letters to his army-
Of fans, who stand by his side denying calmly,
That this man could plan or conspire to harm me,
They see him above them, looking down as his palms bleed,
The light in his room was dim for a reason,
You might think this gloom was to simply displease him,
The fixture was damaged and they were delaying repairs,
And left a metal plate which slowly he tears,
From the ceiling revealing a narrow escape route,
People joking about how he’ll soon get the cape out,
Compared to Houdini, this time he’s able to get far,
This carefully planned new scheme has enabled a head start,
The form left under the sheets of his bed sparks-
Little suspicion, so that night his cell is left dark,
They find out the next day, but by then it’s too late,
Cause he’s well on his way, and he’s crossed many states,
But soon the old urges come back to haunt him,
And this is where the story becomes the most daunting,
Taunting the cops with unspeakable acts,
Unable to stop his most lethal attack,
Creeps through the back door of a boarding house,
As quiet and discreet on his feet as a mouse,
A piece of firewood was his weapon that night,
So quiet the girls couldn’t put up a fight,
Clubbed them right on the head while they still slept,
When he left, two dead was the tally he kept,
Crept out the front door as a girl entered the rear,
Stepped in the shadows and remained centered with fear,
When the cops arrive it’s five hysterical girls who greet them,
Inside they find two girls dead and two beaten,
Weakened by the sight, but the night’s only just started,
Cause the lust had not been hushed when he parted,
To crush that lust is a must for the heartless,
They’ll trust their gut till they’ve had enough, regardless,
He needs to flush that lust right out of his system,
So he finds another house with more potential victims,
He's in a rush so he hasn't got much time to pick them,
And no time for the fancy schemes he used to trick them,
Spots a girl through a window who doesn't know doom awaits,
And proceeds to bludgeon, with blows to the face,
But all of this commotion arose her room mates,
Who called the cops who arrived not a moment too late,
Though at first glance they can't believe she'd survived,
They're soon surprised to find her breathing and alive,
The perpetrator steals a van from nearby,
Which he uses to commit his last severe crime,
He steers by a school with drool on his lips,
Spots a kid who resists, so he pulls on her hips,
To drag her inside the high and wide vehicle,
Her cries dry and fearful, her eyes wide and tearful,
She’d be his youngest known victim, and also his final,
The van was abandoned with blood on the vinyl,
And replaced with a Beetle with shiny black seats,
Which a cop spots crawling along the back streets,
It provokes his suspicion, so he calls it in,
And meanwhile pulls the man over, stalling him,
The results come back, the car was recently reported-
Stolen, but the initial arrest attempt is thwarted,
When he shakes the Jake and makes a break while being escorted-
To the back seat of the patrol car, the cop fires shots in the air,
The assailant promptly stops, and drops right there,
But when the cop tries to cuff him, another fight flares,
The nightmare finally over when the stunned cop prevails,
The assailant wishing he was dead as another scheme fails,
They’re not sure who’ve they’ve caught as he’s brought to the jail,
And are shocked when they finally learn all the details,
He fails to make a confession in that questioning session,
Gives vague answers to keep them guessing and test them,
He rejected numerous public defendants,
So again on him his defense was dependent,
If convicted it was likely that death was the sentence,
He committed his crimes in a state which supports the-
Death penalty, and so the hordes thought he-
Must wanna die, and would fry accordingly,
In this trial there was a pile of evidence,
Though the defendant stays calm and is almost never tense,
The most important exhibit came from a dental surgeon,
In the form of X-ray and photo and the way that they merged in-
When layed on top of one another, you could see a clear blend,
The photo showed bite marks on a victim’s rear end,
The dental scan was of the defendant, now down in the stands,
There is commotion as they disclose what was found in the van.
In the back there was dirt which had traces of blood,
Also red clothing fibers were placed in the mud,
Which matched a garment his last victim was wearing,
On the day she died, it was clear when comparing,
The blood types matched both defendant and victim,
There was now enough evidence to get a conviction,
The jury returned with the verdict, ordering death,
The defendant showed no distress, no shortage of breath,
An execution date was set, but repeatedly delayed,
Appeals were launched but denied, no matter what he’d say,
He was staunch and he tried, but the judge could not be swayed,
He was at peace with his priest, found release when he prayed,
The days turned to months and he finally came to grips,
With the fact they’ve got him trapped and they’re not gonna flip,
At last he starts confessing, speaking with deep hurt,
Begging they preserve him for psychological research,
He turns to desperation as death is closing in,
Finally accepting the reality that death has chosen him,
Blaming pornography, and violent forms of entertainment-
For his violent sexual slayings, was simply so the blame went-
To sources other than himself, never losing his pride,
Concealing his true feelings and choosing to hide,
When the day came for his meeting with the chair,
It revealed his fear of dying, he was crying with despair,
He sent love to his family while the frying was prepared,
By an executioner whose mask was hiding tied up hair,
Which when released would reach at least to her shoulders,
It was a woman at the switch holding it as controller,
Volts whipped through his body as she lowered the switch,
Avenging the deaths of all the girls he had murdered and ditched,
In parks and rivers, some never to be found,
Their carcasses hidden, some buried underground,
The few who had died in their homes, received proper farewells,
Those who were slayed so sadistically, he never dared tell-
The location of the bodies, now probably so decomposed,
That the horrors they endured remain something only he knows,
That he will take to his grave or maybe burn with his body,
This song speaks of a release that turned to a hobby,
And the biggest tragedy is that this story is true,
And though it doesn’t involve me, and nor does it you,
We’re all victims of a flawed and misguided society,
But this depiction is more than you allow your eyes to see.

Thanks to anybody who read this far.

cd
12-11-2006, 01:43 AM
Well the subject is shocking as I know you aren't really into this kind of stuff. Anyway, i was expecting to start reading and give up but it kept me interested. There are some great moments and lines in here, but you can condense it a little to make it just a tad shorter.

Why you woul dpost it here though is beyond me

Lil' Ruger
12-11-2006, 02:01 AM
holy fuck 10/10 i can tell it just came to you like it did me when i wrote da inna sanctum....

it was beautifully crafted and the selection of words and description added to the enjoyment i couldnt stop reading it...

lol @ bite marks on the girls ass i'm sorry but i was fuckin histerical when i read that.

so you said this story is true where'd you find this?

ElusiveFugitive
12-11-2006, 02:03 AM
This is now my favourite work I've read of yours. I was utterly impressed by the grimy imagery and thought provoking content...

Whether or not it was your intention, this graphic, visually oriented language enables the reader to walk in the shoes of the depraved individual through the journey in the first person.

That you were able to write this piece at length, and still stay relevant to the topic without having to resort to unnecessary "filling", or detrimenting the flow is testament to your skills as a word-smith.

Respectfully, I would say it reminds me of the concept of "Dance with the Devil" by Immortal Technique. And I dont say that lightly...

Keep the ink flowin'

ONE LOVE
Elusive

J.T.S.
12-11-2006, 01:05 PM
Won word:ILL, i mean the rhymes are like a videotape just documenting the whole story!

ArcherPriest
12-11-2006, 01:26 PM
:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:
Noel drops us a fuckin masterpiece here.... holy shit man.. pure iLLness, start to finish... Its hard to drop a piece that big and not stray off topic at some point.. but that shit read like a novel yo... like i told you before, your writings improved so fuckin much man... the way u doin it now's startin to remind me of Psy n' shit... mad multies without emphysis on it... its difficult to craft such meticulous lines and not have it force words or take from flow.. you've found a good balance wit all that... im quotin this for the story tellin ability... strung together dope

-----------

The officer removed what he described as a “rape kit”-
From the car, put it into a bag and then taped it,
The kit included a bandana and handcuffs,
As evidence in court items likely to stand up,
The case built against him was to demand tough-
Defense, and he’s tense cause he’s sensed that the can’s rough,
Only he’s man enough to handle the case,
His complacency shows when he stands in the place,
Of his own defense, representing himself,
With access to the books on the law library’s shelves,
The case was based on the testimony of one-
Girl who had escaped a murder/rape and then run,
He’s convicted but only for kidnap and assault,
And continues studying texts from the library vault,
While sentencing is temporarily brought to a halt,
He’s doing more than just learning, and when this is clear,
He jumps from a window and then disappears,

ArcherPriest
12-11-2006, 01:29 PM
oh... and WTF ?? cd crawlin out the wood work ... hahahhaaaa.. wut up mufucka... post us some shit yo.. .dont try to act like you actually have a life now..lol

noel411
12-11-2006, 02:51 PM
Thanks a lot for the comments, everybody. I put a lot of work into this, and it's good to see people actually taking the time read it even though it is so long. I appreciate it.

cd, originally it was gonna be a 20-24 bar verse with a chorus and another 20-24 bar verse about a high school massacre. But once I started writing it I realised how much I wanted to tell this story in detail. So I thought I'd just do one verse of about 50 bars. 50 turned to 80, then 80 turned 150, and then in the end I had 186 and was still concerned that I'd left out important parts of the story, haha. I could always condense it if I wanted to though. Likewise I could expand it.

Knox, this story is about Ted Bundy. I read his biography recently.

Elusive, when I was writing this I kept thinking of 'Dance With The Devil' as well as Gza's 'Luminal' and that other song he did about a homicide case on his last album. Of course I wasn't trying to 'copy' those tracks or anything, nor did they give me the inspiration to write this, but it did remind me of those tracks. And though I didn't intend to have this read in a first person sense, it pleases me that it was able to have that effect for you.

Cheers JTS, and yeah Shyt, I've been working on solidifying my lines into strong grammatical arrangements with less focus on rhyming. I can drop many styles, but when writing something serious I prefer to focus on what I'm saying and how I'm saying it.

Thanks again for all the comments.

AcidPhosphate69
12-11-2006, 02:53 PM
Shit, posted too late. I was asking if it was about Ted Bundy and you answered that shit so..word. That was ill.

noel411
12-12-2006, 02:46 AM
Ha, no doubt. I guess I must have put the story down ok for you to pick up who it was about then. Thanks for the comment.

Muslimah
12-16-2006, 12:18 AM
Beautifully written. In making it so long you took a huge risk and it doesn't surprise me at all that you were able to deliver it so exceptionally. It is an amazing piece with lots of intensity and layers. The fact that you were able to tell the story so descriptively, and still manage to keep in mind it the broader societal implications is a reflection of how skilled you are as a writer.

You still stink though

tha god concept
12-16-2006, 02:35 AM
shit was on point man....keep spttin the raw homie!!!

EAGLE EYE
12-16-2006, 02:38 AM
Noel I rarely visit this section of the corp, but I must admit I read this entire story, verse, poem, whatever it is and it blew my mind. Your gonna do big things and inspire many others..


Keep up the good work.

koncretegorilla
12-16-2006, 09:00 PM
Damn son.. i seen it wit the orange aura around it.. glowin n shit, like my eyes was blinded.. df was that, that just snipered my eyesight.

yo u shoulda broken it to verses man, not that it needed it but ay.. it was off the fuckin charts man none the less.. keep the good words flowin god foreal. peace

noel411
12-17-2006, 12:06 AM
Many thanks for all the comments.

Muslimah, I'm working on it. I shower at least twice a week now.

Cheers Concept and Rob Digi. Always cool to see somebody from outside of the Temple come in and check your shit out.

KG, I did consider breaking it into verses, but I decided to script it as one verse to keep the story moving with no breaks. If I ever get the chance to record it I expect to break some sort of punch-in record, haha.

Cheers homies.

NASTY NAK
12-17-2006, 08:16 AM
noel is a maniac, he spits a verse n all the PUSSIES GET WETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

noel411
12-18-2006, 02:35 PM
Ha, thanks for peepin', lil' ass G.

noel411
12-22-2006, 07:36 PM
Cheers Spoken, like making a toast.

Thanks for the feed, like saying grace before a meal.

Haha, nah, thanks though homey. I appreciate it.

noel411
02-02-2007, 11:42 PM
Skinnyman makes the party bizza bump bump.

Bigot Hitman
02-05-2007, 03:51 PM
This would be the most boring song ever if it were over a beat, jus cuz its so long,lol. But u showed sum wordplay, and great job at imagery lines/story tellin, the flow was consistent too. 9.5/10

It would be a 10/10 but i can't picture this over a beat.

noel411
02-05-2007, 05:35 PM
Ha, I recorded this recently. It turned out so fucking bland even I can barely listen to the whole thing, haha. I took like a 2 minute beat and looped it, so there's not even any change ups in the beat or anything. I just wanted to record it in some manner for now though. I think if I worked closely with a producer who could craft a beat around it with change ups and effects and shit, put some time into it, I could make a good song out of it. Maybe try to build the intensity as it progresses. Maybe one day...

Anyway, thanks for your input. I appreciate it.

MX1
02-07-2007, 11:03 PM
holy shit...yo noel, that was sumthin else god, i dont even know how to put it in words...and yeah do wut u can to find a producer to work around it cuz that thing is as long as hell but definately try all u can to get that shit hooked up on like limewire or sum shit know wut im sayin

noel411
02-10-2007, 11:34 PM
Thanks for the comment, dude. I'm definately putting this written aside for use if I ever should go about recording some professional tracks.

Dae Ja Nae
02-15-2007, 11:26 AM
Shit, posted too late. I was asking if it was about Ted Bundy and you answered that shit so..word. That was ill.


^^^ LOL ... so did I ...


As soon as I read the line about the fake cast, I knew it was "him". Noel you did an excellent job of chronicling this story. It's been quite some time since I last saw it, but reading this piece brought it all back, and I do mean ALL of it ... every detail. It was as if the movie were playing out in my mind as I read it.


I will say though, that I was a little overwhelmed the first few times I looked at this piece. I was thinking "that damn Noel has lost his fucking mind if he thinks I’m going to read all of this ... oh hell to the nah, there's no way in hell" ... lol ... but today I just bit the bullet and said fuck it, he reads all of my shit, so why not. And once I started, I was hooked.


My hat definitely goes off to you for completing, what I can only assume to have been, a pretty daunting task. Anyone can deliver a story, but it takes a great mind to be able to deliver a previously told story in rhyme form without taking away any of it's originality. I'm am thoroughly impressed. But, the next time you post up a piece that's longer than the fucking equator, can you do a sista a favor, and post a damn warning first ... PLEASE!!! ... lol ...


Great Job Mate!!!


Peace
???

noel411
02-19-2007, 03:11 PM
I'm pretty sure I warned you about how long it is, and to not feel obligated to read it if it was too much, in the last email I sent you, so stop complaining, haha. Nah, but thanks for taking the time out to read it and post your thoughts. I appreciate it.

LHX
02-19-2007, 04:26 PM
some inspired shit man

nice

noel411
02-21-2007, 02:40 PM
Thanks for the comment, homie.

Tangaz
06-24-2007, 01:17 PM
Yeah, damn. Seems I did alright finally deciding to check this place out; Top work man. And I thought "Luminal" too.

Though, I won't go on to give it a 10/10 or anything, as a couple of the rhymes there seemed forced. ...Maybe they're not even neccessary...?

But insofar as the storytelling, effort and flow, that's gotta be a 10/10! Really impressed. Especially with the psychological aspect played out so well.
Rapt to see how it developed too. If I see one more kid do a two verse, five hook track again and get praised for it, I'm gonna flip out!

(I might mention, too, that the only reason I don't have that GZA quote in me sig is cuz you beat me to it. Bastard!)

Blade he makes the party bza-bump-bump!

noel411
06-26-2007, 04:43 AM
Hey, fancy seeing this back on the front page.

Not sure about the forced rhymes comment. I went through the foolish rhyme scheme phase a while back, while I was developing my style. These days I'm more inclined to forgo a rhyme in order to word a line better. But yeah, I still like throwing around a few different rhyme patterns and shit. No doubt there are still shades of that silly rhyme scheme phase in my writing. But I never let it control what I write anymore. Granted some lines surely would have been worded differently if I had payed no mind to rhyming.

Word to the Gza quote. I've had it there for fucken ages. Sometimes I think of putting something different in my sig, but then I read it again and think nah, I'm gonna leave that there. It defines a lot of my own views on hip hop, and writing, and my frustrations with the weak shit a lot of mc's write, and hip hop fans foolishly consider to be dope.

But props for repping Strut in your sig. The new album is fucken awesome. Been bumping it a lot since I got it. My second favourite album of the year after Cilvaringz's joint. Can't fucking wait for Trem to drop.

Anyway, thanks for the comment.

002
01-20-2008, 04:51 PM
I rapped this over MF Doom's "Mullien" off the Special Herbs 1,2. and it sounds fuckin creepy.

you should try it

http://www.undergroundhiphop.com/store/detail.asp?UPC=HTR105CD

Dr Sleepwalker
01-21-2008, 03:34 PM
fuck dude... jus' caught this one....

i've read like 5-10 of poems since I been on this site, and man.... they've all impressed the shit outta me.. you got good vision, the way you write is so smooth and descriptive.. like a lil short film son..

straight illness duke, pea2e

noel411
01-27-2008, 01:45 AM
I rapped this over MF Doom's "Mullien" off the Special Herbs 1,2. and it sounds fuckin creepy.

you should try it

http://www.undergroundhiphop.com/store/detail.asp?UPC=HTR105CD
Haha, damn, that's crazy. Somebody else rapping my shit. Did you record it all? Post it up if you did. I'd be interested to hear it.

That would actually be a good beat for it too. I did a rushed recording of it over a beat a mate of mine made, a while back. It was fucken shit. The only way I plan on ever recording it again is if I get into making my own beats, and can create something around it as I feel it.
fuck dude... jus' caught this one....

i've read like 5-10 of poems since I been on this site, and man.... they've all impressed the shit outta me.. you got good vision, the way you write is so smooth and descriptive.. like a lil short film son..

straight illness duke, pea2e
Cheers man, I really appreciate the kind words. I tend to use a different style of writing to what you'd generally hear in hip hop, so it's great to know some people are feeling it.

The fact that this many people would even consider my writing to be worthy of reading something this long is encouraging. Many thanks.

Longbongcilvaringz
10-23-2008, 07:07 AM
Not sure why i didn't comment on this the first time i read it.

But it was fucking great then , and still is.

noel411
11-03-2008, 08:57 PM
Thanks G.