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NASTY NAK
01-02-2007, 08:25 PM
yeah...took advice from noel, so i tried strong lines on this, its a bit long, but i hope you enjoy it

Every thing is valuable…Unless it is broken
Like the heart of a man…After weapons destroyed it
The flesh after a snake comes out and starts biting
Or a piece of the soul...Something that is dearer than items
So I met this girl…thought she was classy and all
I loved her being ‘n didn’t ask for any more
Thought I was fly…So she recommended we meet
I was stricken by joy, my heart dropped to my feet
I couldn’t believe that I found a girl with promise
The tepid feeling, my being just wanted to vomit
All in a quick blink…she was gone and had left
Felt like speed was pumpin’ blood in my chest
Fast forward…two days later, my phones ringing
Picked it up with a mixed brain but can’t even
Hold the phone without it slipping out of my palms
My friends shout “man you’re a pussy, c’mon”
Can’t do it, miss the call…And feel shitty
Though it wasn’t an opportunity to get any
I just didn’t pick it up because my brain melted
My heart was ragin’…felt like a caged felon
Spent my day dwellin’…till I had enough
So I called her back, she even picked up
She was so soft, you could hear the love in her voice
I grew calm by the minute, then stood up in rejoice
We were to meet by the park, it was already set
Until early morning…I barely slept in my bed
I coaxed myself in to sleep…didn’t wake up till night
At seven thirty we was meetin’, So I jumped with delight
Bought some roses from a vendor, I thought I could win her
Got there by eight, looked like she hadn’t entered-
The gate I was at, so I started sweating big
Tried my very best to keep my mind from checking in
“Could she have left?”…”Did I sound really desperate?”
Her speech was genuine…I thought she really meant it
Two hours I’m stuck there, feelin’ cheated again
“This bitch could have said she just wanted a friend”
But no…I was feeling enraged so much I called her
Told her on a message she was worthless and not wanted
Got so fed up…That I went back to my house
Her trap…had me latched like a mouse
So I turned on my set…to drown out my brain
Heard on the news that a car crashed with a train
They said that the body was laid out on the curb
They even identified it…I found it was, her…
I didn’t even value her being when dead, I felt like a jerk…
Were my feelings misleading?
Seeing her layed out on the curb…
I couldn’t feel pleasure, I took for granted my feelings
Felt fucked up…like my whole life was receding
But then had a smirk…Though I was feeling drugged
I took life for granted…even though I was feeling love…

noel411
01-02-2007, 09:04 PM
Not bad lil' homie. I like that you took my advice and used it naturally, which is the most important thing. When I saw what you said before I read the verse I feared you might have penned something with a certain aim that wasn't entirely natural to you. But yeah, this was cool. You didn't try to push it too hard. Just used clear, coherent lines. Well worded. Smooth read. Pretty interesting. Decent story. Imagery was maybe lacking a little. You could work on that. But it's all a learning process. I'm glad to see you penning something like this and putting aside rhyme schemes and all that for a moment. It'll help you build. Eventually you'll find a balance that is right and natural to you, and that's when you can look at your writing and be entirely satisfied with it. I'm still not there either, but I'm working on it.

But yeah, all in all a nice verse. I liked the first part the most. Good to see.

The Ghost
01-02-2007, 10:08 PM
This was a nice story man some real heartbreaking poetic stuff right there fam

DREW-DIE$EL
01-02-2007, 11:05 PM
vernie, that was deep. that ending was spine tingling like everytime i hear immortal technique's "dance will the devil" im impressed.

NASTY NAK
01-03-2007, 07:50 PM
uppin

J.T.S.
01-04-2007, 02:41 PM
Fuckin' skillz, nasty!

Da Dishonourable Don
01-09-2007, 08:20 PM
keep blessin, 1