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jallainINS
01-19-2007, 09:40 PM
sorry i havent been around in a while. i moved into a new place and then my computer crashed, now i got myself a laptop and wifi, so its pretty sweet. anyways, this was really fun to write, hope you enjoy.

A boy sits in his room all alone
Patiently waiting for a call on his phone
Feels small in his home, though the place is gigantic
Parents workin too much at a pace thats frantic
So while they race around, he's pacin now
He calls his friend to plead his case and how
The girl's calls yet to come, now hes wonderin
Could she be blunderin? Outside the sky's thunderin
He dials her cell, no answer, and her
Mom on her home phone tells him "I banned her
from leavin, but she ducked down, snuck out."
Believe it, he is stuck now, lucks out
But he just can't rest his breath tonight
'Till her breast's on his chest and her head's alright
He saddles up his bike and he hits the road
The rains pourin down by the bucket load
The mall and movies a lot, the usual spots
Plenty of girls there, but his beautifuls not
The clock keeps tickin and he's startin to worry
Ridin so fast visions gettin blurry
But he's got to hurry
God forbid if someone hurt his girl they'd have to face his fury
Rain changed to flurry, its snowin now
Dude tells him where she's at and its goin down
"She's chillin at a party with Marty."
That ain't smart b, the only thing he hears is his heartbeat
He stops hops off his bike pops in the crib
Drops his wet lid gets props from his kid
He asks "Where's my girl with the beautiful brown hair?"
"Aiyyo I'm pretty sure that I seen her go downstairs."
He's happy but he fears for her safety, cuz maybe
Marty wants to party forcin her to get crazy
Grabs a baseball bat, to place all that
Anger and stress that seems to trace all back
To Marty, or any dude that's with her now
Covered in mud, coveting blood, its a blur now
He runs downstairs not tryin to be rude bro
There's his girl nude, on top of a dude "NO!
What have you done? I can't believe that you did that!"
Closes his eyes and takes a swing with the big bat
He never stops swingin 'till they both hit the ground
They don't make a sound, he can't coax himself to look down
Pedallin home, hopin the pain stops as he nears
His face is soakin wet from rain drops and tears
He's filled with regret, remorse without restitution
Wants to forget the course he took to resolution
His parents are too busy to comfort their son
So he comforts himself by kissin his daddy's gun
Family protection was the dad's only aim
Now he cries himself to sleep every night from the blame

noel411
01-19-2007, 09:51 PM
Good shit homie. I really liked that. Probably the most enjoyable drop I've seen in here for a while. It moved along really well, and although the story was predictable, it was pretty cool. You told the story pretty well. Well constructed too. Well balanced. Decent imagery. Didn't go over the top with rhyme schemes or vocab or anything. Good stuff.

jallainINS
01-20-2007, 12:31 PM
yo thanks so much for the feed man. that means a lot to me especially coming from you. i didnt know about your story verse until after you left me feed and i saw the link in your profile. so for someone thats done that, to still find my verse decent, it means a lot man.

adedwutang
01-20-2007, 01:19 PM
yea that verse wus tight dun, isnt it fun to rite those up, its almost easy since u already got the concept in ur head, just gotta make it rhyme. but nice job that was a good read.
peace

jallainINS
01-21-2007, 12:50 AM
yeah man it was my first attempt at writing a story and all that so it was pretty fun. ill def do it again some time.