RAMESH
04-06-2007, 07:32 PM
Characteristics of Abused Women
The characteristics below are often the result of abuse. They are also often part of the survival strategies that abuse women employ to keep safe - both emotionally and physically.
If you are worried that someone you know is being abused and you notice several of the characteristics below that exist in a pattern, there is cause for concern. If you decide to ask the person you are worried about whether she is being abused, remember to be gentle and tentative in your approach, and never confront the abuser - this may put her in more danger.
Frequent or repetitive physical injuries without explanations, or with explanations that don't match injuries ("I walked into the door)"
wearing clothes that seem intended to cover injuries: dark glasses, scarves and long sleeves
avoiding going home, or being reluctant to go home
rushing home after work, or social events, being worried or afraid if she's delayed
excessive privacy about her personal life
cutting off contact with family or friends
making excuses not to socialize
nervousness, jumpiness or fear
low self esteem
denial or minimization of abuse ("it doesn't matter", "it was an accident")
combination of fear and love for her partner
Absenteeism from work
long media history (from injuries)
dependent, submissive, passive behavior with partner, indecisiveness and lack of initiative
fear of intervention from outsiders: if she doesn't want you to call or make contact with her partnerMany women consider the psychological scars of abuse to be even more serious than its physical effects. The experience of abuse often destroys women's self-esteem and puts them at greater risk of a variety of mental health problems including:
Depression:The feeling of constantly being down, numb, loosing interest , deep sadness that can can go on for weeks and begins to affect your everyday living.
Post-traumatic stress disorder:this is when an abused person re-experience the ordeal in the form of flashback episodes, memories, nightmares, or frightening thoughts. This may be triggered by anything that reminds them of the abuser or the abuse.This is often coupled with anxiety and panic attacks.
Alcohol and Drug Abuse:The overindulgence/overuse in and dependence on an addictive substance, especially alcohol or drugs.Many a times they are used as a coping tool to try and forget a painful ordeal, this is very dangerous.
Low self- Esteem:the feeling of having less or no Pride in oneself; self-respect.thinking less of oneself, constantly putting oneself down.
Sexual Dysfunction: Disorders where disturbances or dysfunction in sexuality are major features.
Anxiety and Panic Disorder :complaints of continuous feelings of nervousness, trembling, muscular tension, sweating, lightheadedness, palpitations, dizziness, and epigastric discomfort are common.
Suicide:The act or an instance of intentionally killing oneself.
Why its Hard to Leave: The Cycle of Violence
Why Stay?
There are many reasons why women stay in abusive relationships - many of which are common to people leaving long-term relationships whether abusive or not.
Isolation:
A common tactic of abusers is to isolate their partner or attack her when she tries to reach out. He may threaten people she cares about, or she may be worried that he will hurt people she cares about. Isolation means that she looses perspective, has no one to talk to, and may feel like she has lost the ability to reach out to others.
Emotional Factors:
All relationships come from a context - abusive relationships may have started with love and care. There were factors that brought these two people together, many of which the abuse woman attaches hope to - "he can be so loving", "he used to be so kind, he can be like that again"
pity or sorrow for her partner
belief or hope that the abuser will change
belief that she can make the abuse stop if she tries hard enough
fear of the unknown
fear of being alone, of not being able to cope on her own
fear that the abuser will kill her if she tries to leave
numbness to the abuse
low self esteem, feelings of worthlessness, that she deserves the abuse
paralysis cause by fearEconomic and Legal Factors
financial dependence on the abuser
lack of employment skills
fear of being unable to support the children
fear of loosing custody of the children
lack of alternative accommodation
not knowing her rights
lack of faith in the police or legal systemSocietal Factors
religious or cultural values
shame and embarrassment about the abuse
desire to protect the abuser, children from shame or embarrassment
belief that children need their father
fear that she will not be helped, but blamed by othersSurvival Strategies of Abused Women
Battered women develop extraordinary ways of surviving the abuse. Others rarely understand these strategies because they often seem unhelpful when viewed from outside the relationship. Often, a woman's survival strategies are used to reinforce the myths around battery and blame her for the abuse.
Denial or Minimising and Making Light of the Abuse: pretending that the abuse isn't happening because it's too overwhelming to face what it means in her life. " I needed to believe that he'd never do it again...I still cared about him.. .I wasn't seeing.. Denying what was happening to me
was my way of hanging on to my sanity".
Learning Not to Fight Back: fighting often escalates violence and causes her more harm.
Substance Abuse: can help her numb the pain. "I was so nervous that I gulped down the Valium".
Suicidal Thoughts or Acts: maybe the only "out" or safety valve she can see. "I thought about killing myself".
Paralysis: not doing anything because whatever she does leads to more abuse. "I would freeze... I was totally numb and dead.. eventually I got paralysed with fear."
Isolation and Fear of Intervention From Outsiders(includes
woman's refusing to contact the police or withdrawing charges): people who do not understand the situation often end up making it worse. "I did try to tell my neighbor and my doctor, but it was obvious they didn't want to hear about it. I felt humiliated and I was terrified someone would criticize me like he did. I lost so much self-confidence that it felt safer to be at home than to go out on the street. I was glad when the phone didn't ring or the day would pass without anyone coming to the door".
Trying to Please the Abuser: attempting to prevent violent outbreaks. "At home the harder she tried, the more she failed.. .I really did a lot of work trying to keep the lid on things, keep things happy... I became compulsive... I did everything right.. did everything to perfection".
Hyper-vigilance (walking on eggshells): attempting to prevent violent
outbreaks. "I got good at anticipating every problem".
Playing "Superwoman": attempting to prevent violent outbreaks. "I could do anything - leap tall buildings, outrun locomotives.. you would be amazed what I could accomplish in 24 hours to keep him happy."
Belief in Her Own Inferiority: The abuser insists that she accept his opinions and be submissive, passive and indecisive. He needs her to be dependent and subservient so he can feel in control. If she is not her is likely to become violent.Rape - silent war on SA women
http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/1905000/images/_1909220_safrica_women_protest2_ap.jpg South Africans are mobilising against sexual violence
http://news.bbc.co.uk/furniture/nothing.gif</IMG>http://news.bbc.co.uk/furniture/nothing.gif</IMG>By the BBC's Carolyn Dempster
Johannesburg http://news.bbc.co.uk/furniture/grey_pixel.gifhttp://news.bbc.co.uk/furniture/nothing.gif
Rape is endemic in South Africa.
On this the police, politicians, sociologists and rape survivors all agree. There is a silent war going on, a war against women and children.
It is a fact that a woman born in South Africa has a greater chance of being raped, than learning how to read.
One in four girls faces the prospect of being raped before the age of 16 according to the child support group, Childline.
</SPAN>
http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/1905000/images/_1909220_safrica_charlene2.jpg
http://news.bbc.co.uk/furniture/nothing.gifCharlene Smith, rape survivor and campaigner
Believes solution to combating sexual violence lies in:
the way mothers bring up sons
greater community responsibility for members' actions
better policing
harsher sentences
reform of criminal justice system
http://news.bbc.co.uk/furniture/nothing.gifSexual violence pervades society, with one of the highest reported rates of rape in the world, and an alarmingly high incidence of domestic violence and child abuse.
The official crime statistics tell only part of the story.
In 1994, the year South Africa became a democracy, 18,801 cases of rape were reported. By 2001 that figure had risen to 24,892.
The South African Police Service readily admits that even though there is now a greater awareness of the problem, more stringent penalties, and better policing, the vast majority of rapes and attempted rapes still go unreported and unpunished.
During a recent parliamentary debate on child abuse in South Africa, it was reported that there has been a 400% increase in the sexual violence against children over the past decade.
Baby rape
The majority of the victims are 12 years old or younger. Many of the perpetrators are themselves children.
"Baby Tshepang" was just 9 months old when she was brutally raped in the Northern Cape town of Louisvale in the early hours of 27 October, 2001.
Baby rape is not a new phenomenon in South African society, but it is becoming more common.
One possible reason, say Aids activists, is the myth, widespread in southern Africa, that sex with a child or baby will rid a man of HIV or Aids.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/furniture/startquote.gif
Rapists don't think they are doing anything wrong.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/furniture/endquote.gif
Dr Rachel Jewkes
South Africa already has more than 4.5 million people living with HIV, more than any other country in the world.
As the HIV pandemic becomes an Aids pandemic, rape can also be a death sentence.
So why is it so bad?
At the root of the problem, says Dr Rachel Jewkes, a senior scientist with the South African Medical Research Council, is men's attitude towards women.
"In South Africa you have a culture where men believe that they are sexually entitled to women. You don't get rape in a situation where you don't have massive gender inequalities.
One of the key problems in this country is that people who commit rape don't think they are doing anything wrong."
'Can't say no'
Her findings are borne out by the experience of Rose Tamae, a survivor of gang rape, who is HIV positive, and counsels abused women and children in the sprawling township of Orange Farm which lies across the highway from Soweto, west of Johannesburg.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/1905000/images/_1909220_aids4150.gif With the Aids pandemic, rape can be a death sentence
"In our culture, as a woman, you don't say no to a man. Sex is not open for discussion," she says.
"So they think they can do as they like.
"In a place like Orange Farm, where most people are unemployed, and the women have to go looking for work far away, often the children are left at home in the care of men, or strangers.
"They are vulnerable. In one case a little girl was being given food in return for sex, and she didn't want to go home empty-handed to her mother, who had Aids and was sick. "
Apartheid legacy
A "culture of violence" has also been a dominant feature of South African society for decades, say sociologists, and it has spawned attitudes which are tolerant of sexual violence.
South Africa's Deputy President Jacob Zuma blames apartheid for "sowing the seeds for the breakdown of the institution of the family."
He believes that the molestation of children and infants today is a symptom of this degeneration.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/1905000/images/_1909220_safrica_zuma_ap.jpg Zuma blames apartheid for family breakdown
Apartheid HAS left a damaged society in its wake, but the criminal justice system is also failing women and children in South Africa.
Out of the 37,892 rapes reported last year, only 1,797 resulted in successful convictions.
To its credit the government, and South African society, is responding to the scourge.
The justice system has prioritised sexual offences with a review of the law and stiffer sentences.
Police officers are being trained to care for rape survivors.
Many private hospitals now offer specialized rape care and counselling, and insurance companies have introduced policies for rape survivors to enable them to afford expensive anti-retroviral drug treatment to reduce the risk of contracting HIV and Aids.
Jacob Zuma believed the woman who accused him of rape was sending him sexual signals, the Johannesburg High Court heard on Tuesday.
Zuma said the woman had never visited him wearing a skirt before. On the night of the alleged rape, she arrived wearing a knee-length skirt.
"She had never in the past come to my house dressed in a skirt. Including times when I was living in Pretoria. When she came to me in a skirt after those talks I referred to earlier on, well, it told me something," he said.
The former deputy president appeared relaxed for his second day in the witness stand and testified in isiZulu again, smiling or laughing at times at questions put to him by state prosecutor Charin de Beer.
While sitting in a lounge watching television, she did not sit properly in her skirt, Zuma said.
"Under normal circumstances, if a woman is dressed in a skirt, she will sit properly with her legs together. But she would cross her legs and wouldn't even mind if the skirt was raised very much."
De Beer then asked Zuma what he thought she was up to. He replied: "I realised, well, there is something she is after, because of these things. Maybe she is trying to send a certain message to me by these actions."
Of most concern were Mr Zuma's admission that he had had sex with a woman who was the daughter of a close friend, and that he had not used a condom in the encounter despite knowing that the woman was HIV positive.
The characteristics below are often the result of abuse. They are also often part of the survival strategies that abuse women employ to keep safe - both emotionally and physically.
If you are worried that someone you know is being abused and you notice several of the characteristics below that exist in a pattern, there is cause for concern. If you decide to ask the person you are worried about whether she is being abused, remember to be gentle and tentative in your approach, and never confront the abuser - this may put her in more danger.
Frequent or repetitive physical injuries without explanations, or with explanations that don't match injuries ("I walked into the door)"
wearing clothes that seem intended to cover injuries: dark glasses, scarves and long sleeves
avoiding going home, or being reluctant to go home
rushing home after work, or social events, being worried or afraid if she's delayed
excessive privacy about her personal life
cutting off contact with family or friends
making excuses not to socialize
nervousness, jumpiness or fear
low self esteem
denial or minimization of abuse ("it doesn't matter", "it was an accident")
combination of fear and love for her partner
Absenteeism from work
long media history (from injuries)
dependent, submissive, passive behavior with partner, indecisiveness and lack of initiative
fear of intervention from outsiders: if she doesn't want you to call or make contact with her partnerMany women consider the psychological scars of abuse to be even more serious than its physical effects. The experience of abuse often destroys women's self-esteem and puts them at greater risk of a variety of mental health problems including:
Depression:The feeling of constantly being down, numb, loosing interest , deep sadness that can can go on for weeks and begins to affect your everyday living.
Post-traumatic stress disorder:this is when an abused person re-experience the ordeal in the form of flashback episodes, memories, nightmares, or frightening thoughts. This may be triggered by anything that reminds them of the abuser or the abuse.This is often coupled with anxiety and panic attacks.
Alcohol and Drug Abuse:The overindulgence/overuse in and dependence on an addictive substance, especially alcohol or drugs.Many a times they are used as a coping tool to try and forget a painful ordeal, this is very dangerous.
Low self- Esteem:the feeling of having less or no Pride in oneself; self-respect.thinking less of oneself, constantly putting oneself down.
Sexual Dysfunction: Disorders where disturbances or dysfunction in sexuality are major features.
Anxiety and Panic Disorder :complaints of continuous feelings of nervousness, trembling, muscular tension, sweating, lightheadedness, palpitations, dizziness, and epigastric discomfort are common.
Suicide:The act or an instance of intentionally killing oneself.
Why its Hard to Leave: The Cycle of Violence
Why Stay?
There are many reasons why women stay in abusive relationships - many of which are common to people leaving long-term relationships whether abusive or not.
Isolation:
A common tactic of abusers is to isolate their partner or attack her when she tries to reach out. He may threaten people she cares about, or she may be worried that he will hurt people she cares about. Isolation means that she looses perspective, has no one to talk to, and may feel like she has lost the ability to reach out to others.
Emotional Factors:
All relationships come from a context - abusive relationships may have started with love and care. There were factors that brought these two people together, many of which the abuse woman attaches hope to - "he can be so loving", "he used to be so kind, he can be like that again"
pity or sorrow for her partner
belief or hope that the abuser will change
belief that she can make the abuse stop if she tries hard enough
fear of the unknown
fear of being alone, of not being able to cope on her own
fear that the abuser will kill her if she tries to leave
numbness to the abuse
low self esteem, feelings of worthlessness, that she deserves the abuse
paralysis cause by fearEconomic and Legal Factors
financial dependence on the abuser
lack of employment skills
fear of being unable to support the children
fear of loosing custody of the children
lack of alternative accommodation
not knowing her rights
lack of faith in the police or legal systemSocietal Factors
religious or cultural values
shame and embarrassment about the abuse
desire to protect the abuser, children from shame or embarrassment
belief that children need their father
fear that she will not be helped, but blamed by othersSurvival Strategies of Abused Women
Battered women develop extraordinary ways of surviving the abuse. Others rarely understand these strategies because they often seem unhelpful when viewed from outside the relationship. Often, a woman's survival strategies are used to reinforce the myths around battery and blame her for the abuse.
Denial or Minimising and Making Light of the Abuse: pretending that the abuse isn't happening because it's too overwhelming to face what it means in her life. " I needed to believe that he'd never do it again...I still cared about him.. .I wasn't seeing.. Denying what was happening to me
was my way of hanging on to my sanity".
Learning Not to Fight Back: fighting often escalates violence and causes her more harm.
Substance Abuse: can help her numb the pain. "I was so nervous that I gulped down the Valium".
Suicidal Thoughts or Acts: maybe the only "out" or safety valve she can see. "I thought about killing myself".
Paralysis: not doing anything because whatever she does leads to more abuse. "I would freeze... I was totally numb and dead.. eventually I got paralysed with fear."
Isolation and Fear of Intervention From Outsiders(includes
woman's refusing to contact the police or withdrawing charges): people who do not understand the situation often end up making it worse. "I did try to tell my neighbor and my doctor, but it was obvious they didn't want to hear about it. I felt humiliated and I was terrified someone would criticize me like he did. I lost so much self-confidence that it felt safer to be at home than to go out on the street. I was glad when the phone didn't ring or the day would pass without anyone coming to the door".
Trying to Please the Abuser: attempting to prevent violent outbreaks. "At home the harder she tried, the more she failed.. .I really did a lot of work trying to keep the lid on things, keep things happy... I became compulsive... I did everything right.. did everything to perfection".
Hyper-vigilance (walking on eggshells): attempting to prevent violent
outbreaks. "I got good at anticipating every problem".
Playing "Superwoman": attempting to prevent violent outbreaks. "I could do anything - leap tall buildings, outrun locomotives.. you would be amazed what I could accomplish in 24 hours to keep him happy."
Belief in Her Own Inferiority: The abuser insists that she accept his opinions and be submissive, passive and indecisive. He needs her to be dependent and subservient so he can feel in control. If she is not her is likely to become violent.Rape - silent war on SA women
http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/1905000/images/_1909220_safrica_women_protest2_ap.jpg South Africans are mobilising against sexual violence
http://news.bbc.co.uk/furniture/nothing.gif</IMG>http://news.bbc.co.uk/furniture/nothing.gif</IMG>By the BBC's Carolyn Dempster
Johannesburg http://news.bbc.co.uk/furniture/grey_pixel.gifhttp://news.bbc.co.uk/furniture/nothing.gif
Rape is endemic in South Africa.
On this the police, politicians, sociologists and rape survivors all agree. There is a silent war going on, a war against women and children.
It is a fact that a woman born in South Africa has a greater chance of being raped, than learning how to read.
One in four girls faces the prospect of being raped before the age of 16 according to the child support group, Childline.
</SPAN>
http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/1905000/images/_1909220_safrica_charlene2.jpg
http://news.bbc.co.uk/furniture/nothing.gifCharlene Smith, rape survivor and campaigner
Believes solution to combating sexual violence lies in:
the way mothers bring up sons
greater community responsibility for members' actions
better policing
harsher sentences
reform of criminal justice system
http://news.bbc.co.uk/furniture/nothing.gifSexual violence pervades society, with one of the highest reported rates of rape in the world, and an alarmingly high incidence of domestic violence and child abuse.
The official crime statistics tell only part of the story.
In 1994, the year South Africa became a democracy, 18,801 cases of rape were reported. By 2001 that figure had risen to 24,892.
The South African Police Service readily admits that even though there is now a greater awareness of the problem, more stringent penalties, and better policing, the vast majority of rapes and attempted rapes still go unreported and unpunished.
During a recent parliamentary debate on child abuse in South Africa, it was reported that there has been a 400% increase in the sexual violence against children over the past decade.
Baby rape
The majority of the victims are 12 years old or younger. Many of the perpetrators are themselves children.
"Baby Tshepang" was just 9 months old when she was brutally raped in the Northern Cape town of Louisvale in the early hours of 27 October, 2001.
Baby rape is not a new phenomenon in South African society, but it is becoming more common.
One possible reason, say Aids activists, is the myth, widespread in southern Africa, that sex with a child or baby will rid a man of HIV or Aids.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/furniture/startquote.gif
Rapists don't think they are doing anything wrong.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/furniture/endquote.gif
Dr Rachel Jewkes
South Africa already has more than 4.5 million people living with HIV, more than any other country in the world.
As the HIV pandemic becomes an Aids pandemic, rape can also be a death sentence.
So why is it so bad?
At the root of the problem, says Dr Rachel Jewkes, a senior scientist with the South African Medical Research Council, is men's attitude towards women.
"In South Africa you have a culture where men believe that they are sexually entitled to women. You don't get rape in a situation where you don't have massive gender inequalities.
One of the key problems in this country is that people who commit rape don't think they are doing anything wrong."
'Can't say no'
Her findings are borne out by the experience of Rose Tamae, a survivor of gang rape, who is HIV positive, and counsels abused women and children in the sprawling township of Orange Farm which lies across the highway from Soweto, west of Johannesburg.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/1905000/images/_1909220_aids4150.gif With the Aids pandemic, rape can be a death sentence
"In our culture, as a woman, you don't say no to a man. Sex is not open for discussion," she says.
"So they think they can do as they like.
"In a place like Orange Farm, where most people are unemployed, and the women have to go looking for work far away, often the children are left at home in the care of men, or strangers.
"They are vulnerable. In one case a little girl was being given food in return for sex, and she didn't want to go home empty-handed to her mother, who had Aids and was sick. "
Apartheid legacy
A "culture of violence" has also been a dominant feature of South African society for decades, say sociologists, and it has spawned attitudes which are tolerant of sexual violence.
South Africa's Deputy President Jacob Zuma blames apartheid for "sowing the seeds for the breakdown of the institution of the family."
He believes that the molestation of children and infants today is a symptom of this degeneration.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/1905000/images/_1909220_safrica_zuma_ap.jpg Zuma blames apartheid for family breakdown
Apartheid HAS left a damaged society in its wake, but the criminal justice system is also failing women and children in South Africa.
Out of the 37,892 rapes reported last year, only 1,797 resulted in successful convictions.
To its credit the government, and South African society, is responding to the scourge.
The justice system has prioritised sexual offences with a review of the law and stiffer sentences.
Police officers are being trained to care for rape survivors.
Many private hospitals now offer specialized rape care and counselling, and insurance companies have introduced policies for rape survivors to enable them to afford expensive anti-retroviral drug treatment to reduce the risk of contracting HIV and Aids.
Jacob Zuma believed the woman who accused him of rape was sending him sexual signals, the Johannesburg High Court heard on Tuesday.
Zuma said the woman had never visited him wearing a skirt before. On the night of the alleged rape, she arrived wearing a knee-length skirt.
"She had never in the past come to my house dressed in a skirt. Including times when I was living in Pretoria. When she came to me in a skirt after those talks I referred to earlier on, well, it told me something," he said.
The former deputy president appeared relaxed for his second day in the witness stand and testified in isiZulu again, smiling or laughing at times at questions put to him by state prosecutor Charin de Beer.
While sitting in a lounge watching television, she did not sit properly in her skirt, Zuma said.
"Under normal circumstances, if a woman is dressed in a skirt, she will sit properly with her legs together. But she would cross her legs and wouldn't even mind if the skirt was raised very much."
De Beer then asked Zuma what he thought she was up to. He replied: "I realised, well, there is something she is after, because of these things. Maybe she is trying to send a certain message to me by these actions."
Of most concern were Mr Zuma's admission that he had had sex with a woman who was the daughter of a close friend, and that he had not used a condom in the encounter despite knowing that the woman was HIV positive.