PDA

View Full Version : just wrote this yesterday..........


Von Sexenhausen
04-18-2007, 09:06 AM
here goes:

Deep in my minds eye, an ancient pantheon
Old gods seated, feasting, demand a new Champion
From The Four Elements I descended, a true cleric
Warping peoples minds with my twisted psychedelics
I move through time, through space, through the universe
Tracing paths to the stars, via Betelgeuse to Sirius
Rigel, The Left Foot of Orion, The Eagle Nebula
Moving at light speed, through the vacuum, full circular
Old school, gazing back… Cretaceous Period
Round about that time shit began to get serious
I’ve seen species flourish, grow old and die off
New ones spring to life but life comes at a cost
Dinosaurs, mastodons… pterodactyls
The blueprint, constantly moving, infinite fractals
Sneaking through the shadows, I display twisted genetics
Fist of the North Star, I destroy all heretics
Back on Earth and life’s slowly evolving
Primate becomes Man, problems need solving
Fire, the wheel, brave new inventions
All of them coming with the best intentions
Man, thinking he’s above mother nature, the master
Standing on a hill with a rude boy stature
I strike hard, running down the side of The Mountain,
My mallet hits BAM! Blood spurts forth like a fountain
Hanging on a single thread, The Sword of Damocles
Accept your fate, move forward, find inner peace
Train your ears to my eloquence, I drop iambic pentameter
Cutting through the undergrowth, exposing all the amateurs
Profound, judicious, wise like a sage
I peel back reality and disappear Backstage…


i'm pretty new to this shit, so all comments welcome!

cheers.

murkoutz
04-18-2007, 10:01 AM
very nice. you got crazy vocab working, the picture is well painted. im feeling it

SID
04-18-2007, 10:06 AM
i liked that homie....i enjoyed reading it, and i liked your choice of wordz....very intresting

Von Sexenhausen
04-18-2007, 10:23 AM
thanks for the kinds words dudes, i'm workin on a second verse as i type this, kinda stuck after the first eight though! i'll post it up when i'm done...

edit: nah, the first eight i've written sound too much like a battle rap, maybe i'll use it for that when i've posted enough to challenge in the battle forum...

J.T.S.
04-18-2007, 01:20 PM
dope like ya style unique.

TheWriter07
04-18-2007, 06:01 PM
This was nice yo.....real stuff keep it up

Von Sexenhausen
04-18-2007, 06:07 PM
thanks man, it's only the third rhyme i've ever written, now i've got fuckin writers block!

noel411
04-19-2007, 01:33 AM
Not bad. On a few lines it seemed like you were using big words just for the sake of it, but other than that it was ok. Good for your third rhyme. The flow was easy to catch. Content was kind of interesting. Keep at it.

Oh yeah, and the more you write, the easier it will be for you to avoid writers block...Well that's how it works for me anyway. It might seem unlikely, but once you get used to writing you'll probably find rhymes coming to you naturally.

Von Sexenhausen
04-20-2007, 08:19 AM
Cheers noel411 I appreciate the criticism... constructive!
Tbh I wasn't just slipping big words in there for the sake of it, I hate that shit because the majority of the time those big words are used completely out of context, that really pisses me off (that and bad grammar/spelling!). I was just trying to tell a wee story, involving elemements from texts/stories/books I've read over the years, things that interest me in general, ie The Sword of Damocles shit (ancient Greek legend, wiki it), and the Cretaceous Period/dinosaurs etc, stuff I was into as a kid. There's no point in me writing rhymes about guns, hoes, money and being all gangsta, as I have no interest nor do I have experience in any these subjects (well, apart from the hoes hehehe) and to be frank, hip-hop is rife with all that bullshit, it doesn't need any more of it, especially not from a white boy from in Scotland! In short, I'm a fucking nerd, and damn fucking proud of it.

Anyway, I'll keep at it, and once again, thank you all for your kind words!

VS

noel411
04-21-2007, 12:01 AM
Yeah man, I can definitely relate to that. We get people on here who write "dictionary raps" sometimes. That's all. It can be hard to tell when it is somebody's natural vocab. I appreciate what you're doing based upon your explanation.

Von Sexenhausen
04-21-2007, 08:14 AM
Yeah I've noticed a few verses on the boards that seem to be lifted straight from the dictionary/thesaurus, I suppose there's no harm in it as long as everything's used in the correct context, but sometimes it just comes across as being clunky and awkward, and it can get in the way of the flow.

I really need to start writing a second verse for this before i forget about it...

Fresh Breath
04-25-2007, 09:43 AM
thanks man, it's only the third rhyme i've ever written, now i've got fuckin writers block!

lol dont worry itll go away soon enough!!