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AcidPhosphate69
04-25-2007, 01:06 AM
Met a queen in the middle of a fien'
Rolled, stained nicotine and greened
She's clean, loved my steen I dreamed
We chillin' and steam buildin', killin'
Time with this fine wine, I dine and feast
Lonliness deceased, at least that's what I thought
She got caught at school, with fool weed
She cool leaves, fearin' father figure she's further
Found, abound we still relate sounds, over phone
Become known to eachother, lovers live
Long lain roads, she visit we hold, love unfolds
2 years shit gets cold, my soul is just too old, bitter
Shitter flushed, I'm crushed and she's hushed
Last touch, she blushed and I know I lost too much
Long time passes, and she's back in view of glasses
But shit changes the fastest, could it have lasted?
Am I just blasted? Fuck a fashion statement
This is harassin' debatement, real truth
What a lot say in the booth, they lie through tooth
Teeth, either way...I wanna lay, night into day
With this frayed and fired, love that could be retired
Am I just wired for failure? Do I dare trail her?
Do I bail or what? Fuck, whatever's clever
Any weather she'll stay my better, half
Past a monkey's ass and a quarter to his balls
Lost my mind, a long time ago but this is how I fall

Bigot Hitman
04-25-2007, 03:43 PM
Flow 3/5
The piece's flow seemed too slow/choppy, like u needed more syllables per line or more words, but this would be perfect for a fast beat. It was even throughout, might have come up short on a couple lines though.

Metaphors/wordplay 0/0
None, and none needed.

Creativity/orginailty 2/5
This piece didin't really have any concepts that were new to me for real, just about every thing u wrote had been said before in a different way. But the open'in lines had some new shit in it:

Met a queen in the middle of a fien'
Rolled, stained nicotine and greened

With this type of topic, i would have at least alittle more than half of the verse with creative or new concepts.

Rhyme scheme 5/5

Ill as usual, the schemes u used matched the flow pretty good, but i woulda used a few more words per line like i said before.

Overall: 10/15 Ok piece, i've seen better from u tho

noel411
04-25-2007, 06:40 PM
That was pretty nice. Fairly unusual and varied rhyme schemes, which is nice to see. I like how at times you describe a scene or incident in only a few words, and then move to another thought. I rather enjoyed the structure of this, and the style of writing used. Keep it up.

AcidPhosphate69
04-25-2007, 10:06 PM
Good looks on the constructive criticisms. Gotta respect how you break it done, that's word. I honestly really feel a few lines we on point in that. Shit like, "She cool leaves, fearin' father figure she's further".

J.T.S.
04-27-2007, 09:49 AM
Long lain roads, she visit we hold, love unfolds
2 years shit gets cold, my soul is just too old, bitter

I can comprehend with those lines because i was in a 2 yr. relationship once, i liked the imagery there. These were my favorite lines, the whole piece was nice keep it flowing.

But shit changes the fastest, could it have lasted?
Am I just blasted? Fuck a fashion statement

Once again these lines were real, i can just picture this.

AcidPhosphate69
04-27-2007, 10:07 PM
Good looks on the feedback. Yeah, the situation is weird. As descriptive as I tried to get on that piece, I left out a lot that really would have just made the verse long-winded and too detailed for my likes.

MX1
04-27-2007, 10:56 PM
thats dope, i see what your feeling and thats hard to put through in writing on text yuh know, i aint been in any long term relationships but i could see where your coming from which shows some skill know im saying...8.5/10 real good piece

peace and 1luv