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Dr Sleepwalker
04-26-2007, 10:56 PM
And it goes like....

..I woke up sleepin', dreamed to show up../
Leaned to throw up, screamed,.. it seemed to close shut/
Can't clean my whole cut,.. hands in some permanant dirt/
It covered my shirt, I'm servin' the worst..,/
To reverse this permanant hurt.. murder in the first../
My heart murmers every word.. til' it paints my face with cracks/
With portraits in shades of black, intake the facts that shapes my craft/
These days do pass... we stand and watch em'../
Scratch em' off with the hand that lost em'../
The world is yours, but takes money to move it/
That girl is yours, but tastes funny to lose it/
A spice of honey to cruise with, til' it aged useless/
Stayed in caged rooms with.. the hate that played fuses/
I laid confused spoonin' a question mark../
Got straight abused from soothin' the lesson plot/
I'm the remedy that lost his idenity../
Breathin' heavily.. but steadily hummin' the melody/

MX1
04-27-2007, 12:33 AM
damn, thats was pretty cool...good wordplay and flow was dope also, vocab was cool so good piece-8/10 overall

peace and 1luv

Bigot Hitman
04-27-2007, 12:40 AM
Pretty good, i can't grasp the overall topic of what these lines are written to/for though. They make sense, and u didin't over do it in most lines with the mulites. U mixed up your rhyme schemes once or twice too, that's important IMO, so the flow doesn't become stagnant. The concepts of the lines in the begining are nice, and got my attention as a reader, but then the creativity slowly fell off.

Overall: 8/10

J.T.S.
04-27-2007, 10:35 AM
To reverse this permanant hurt.. murder in the first../
My heart murmers every word.. til' it paints my face with cracks/
With portraits in shades of black, intake the facts that shapes my craft/

These lines were nicely written heartfelt shit.

The world is yours, but takes money to move it/
That girl is yours, but tastes funny to lose it/
A spice of honey to cruise with, til' it aged useless/
Stayed in caged rooms with.. the hate that played fuses/

I also liked how you put these lines together, a few jewels in there.

Dr Sleepwalker
04-27-2007, 03:41 PM
pea2e to MX1, Mister Big, and J.T.S for their feedbacks..
and ta Mister Big, u gotta read it how i wrote it, not how you wanna read it, but good lookin' out...
any more feed?

Dirty Knowledge
04-27-2007, 04:31 PM
Yes they do... and good stuff, that verse comes very hard.

noel411
04-27-2007, 09:50 PM
Nice shit dude. There were a couple of lines I was a little puzzled over, but it's not exactly a straight forward verse. Some of those lines might take some contemplation to figure out. I appreciate your style no doubt. Very indirect, metaphorical. I like that shit. Came pretty hard with the rhyme schemes too. But yeah, that was a solid verse my brother.

Dr Sleepwalker
04-28-2007, 11:59 AM
thanks noel.. feedback always appreciated