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SID
04-28-2007, 03:46 PM
i was feelin preety shitty yesterday heres a quickie i jotted down


time is a puzzle which cant be comprehended
prime my gun muzzle an blast, blood, brains get blended
in the mid-day sun my soul hangs suspended
searchin for meaning, mental cleaning and moral mending
when will this mist subside, its all depending
on the the path i choose, i cruise steadly assending
to the dark absess of my mind, prostrated an bending
to a god that i fear iam always offending
PLEASE tell me sumthin cuz time has no answers
ive cried, my souls sold and died, lost all chances
unfit pigs sendin evil glances, devils dancin
around my hollow grave with burnin eyes chantin
words i dare not repaeat standin in decietful defeat
for not havin the guts to speak, against the drugs and streets
thugs bruise an beat, ear plugs in for weeks
so i wait and take the "mutton meat"
thats the older dudes flesh, the ones who made me bring heat
now i sit, takin a hit, another whiff, another grind
what was the goal? the point?....nothing but time!

SID
04-30-2007, 01:47 PM
come on headz...feedback good or bad!

OTB
04-30-2007, 02:21 PM
sk-

i waz kinda feelin the first half of this,
but couldnt really get into the 2nd half
?? who knowz why-

wazn't 1 of your best darts,
i've read some iller stuff from you compared to this 1-

but like you said, it waz just a quick dart tho-

keep writin sk - you def got skillz
peace - OTB

OTB
04-30-2007, 02:28 PM
yo sk-

how did you like my 'WHEN TRUMPETS FADE'?
i wrote it right b4 your 'HOPE PREVAILZ' over in the poetry thread-

its a dope ass poem i wrote but no one bigged it up yet-

go read it and leave me your review when u get a minute-
peace-

Dr Sleepwalker
04-30-2007, 04:22 PM
it was good.. best shyt i've read from you
pea2e

noel411
05-01-2007, 07:33 PM
I really liked that piece. However, I would consider re-writing the last 6 bars. It’s funny because I just read your other verse in here and you did exactly the same thing. Kept it really even and focused for the most part, and then changed it up near the end. I don’t know if you do this on purpose? It can work quite well at times, but I think in this case the last 6 were out of place and not on par with the rest. Nice content and line structure for the rest though. Good stuff.

SID
05-03-2007, 02:49 PM
yeah feel that.... thanks for the feeback dudes....any other feeback welcome

UNCLE RUCKUS
05-03-2007, 03:20 PM
yeah that was real good
"in the mid-day sun my soul hangs suspended
searchin for meaning, mental cleaning and moral mending
when will this mist subside, its all depending
on the the path i choose, i cruise steadly assending!"
- thats the best part for me good work

SID
05-03-2007, 03:26 PM
respect -thanks for the comments dudes