View Full Version : War! (topical drop)

05-27-2007, 09:41 AM
just joined the site , thought id drop a lil sumthin

these shackled gates pose a peril , thats a fit for pearly gates//
the skys a mirror to my baffled face , im in advance ill face early fate//
i got pins to pull like a tailor , let me sew you stringed puppet//
patients are yellow but i fight paler,the sound of projectiles "i love it"//
the winter wind passes the smell, i sniff like a dog its the odour of death//
the satisfaction of meth, it enters and burns my soul as i border with hell//
i heard the enemy, and grabbed a hold of my gun as the devil told me to run//
prone to the sun with a chance to get shred like scrolls for the dumb//
when the opposition entered the portal, our realm altered in chaos//
that day is inked immortal, which heaved us to be held as martys with pathos//
i dont boast of greek mythology, but during battle we were blessed by kratos//
we went to war illogically,just like i didnt know wat joinin the army may cost//
in war schizophrenia is frequent, u find an inner devil with a black heart//
u split limbs like ur personality, in a level where attackin flanks is art//
its serene like listenin to mozart, gradually u get a hold off the bloodshed//
we fightin submerged in diluted blood, bodys fall and roll on the mud red//
the death toll is a numerical flood fed, in the field we are daunted drones//
everyday at sunset some said we might live or die but we carry haunted bones//
its like a disease u fight alone, makes ya flesh crawl and ya marrow fade//
ricochets light the lone, enemies might condone "NAWW" theyll empty ammo crates//
pyromaniacs burn ya flesh, we'll burn together if yall wearin camo capes//
lets return the stress, we'll turn east to west and give ya narrow space//

get at me

Bigot Hitman
05-27-2007, 01:00 PM
Your flow on this wouldn't be very good because of the length of the lines, its in a unrealstic format if you were to rap this over any beat succesfully. Your concepts were ok, sum were orginal, most were reworded ones. You use multies pretty good in this, but the lines were to long for them to match up right, the rhyme scheme was nice too, its just the lines were too long. Your wordplay wasn't special on it for real, the similes an metaphors were basic and i only understood totally half of'em. Your vocab was above average in this but vocab doesn't really make writing great or terrible neccesarilly, in this case it was the main reason your lines were so long sllyable wise.


05-28-2007, 02:34 PM
Good Read...

05-28-2007, 07:19 PM
it was dope though the lines were long but i love the dope

05-29-2007, 08:30 AM
good looks on the feed yo, much appreciated.
yup and i agree on the length of lines ish nam sayin. but i was tryina keep it intact with the strict rhymescheme.

when i write for audios its like 8-10 words per line.