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View Full Version : Shuffle the Deck - Metaphor Story


Chill
06-10-2007, 06:52 PM
Yo, this is my most recent drop. If you dont know a little about poker terminology you might not catch all the wordplay. Enjoy.




Yo, a King on his block, known to bust a tech
Sold shit pure unpinched, he never cut the deck
Stacked his chips high, Diamonds glistened like a sweat drop
Played poke-her with his Queens, like a sweatshop til the sex stop
He had a pair of them, who were a little scared of him
Their necks rocked the Prada, gave him half of their dollaz
Or he left em black, jack, like all he'd hear was "hit me"
But when this dealer busts, yo, its on some first degree
Ya see he drew cards regularly, so his house was always full
For his protection, Heart-less goons, carryin Clubs
But hallways dull from 3 to 7...Straight in some mug came
Started sprayin, laid the goons out, in blood's name
Because the goons had 45's...intruder had a pair of 9's
And in crime, 2 of a kind beats high cards all of the time...
What a surpise to find now that the Kingpin was all alone
With some Jack he couldnt finish off, aimin shootin for his dome
The King stood rooted by his throne, his brain was sharp like a blade
He raced to the nightstand, placed his chrome in his right hand
And slow played, while lead sprayed the walls, intruder was bluffin
Ammo was wastin, this shooter was nothin, the man's flow was basic
He raced in, but clip was empty, the man had bet too high
While the King cocked his iron, aimed the Spade and let 2 fly
He hit a gut-shot straight...the man was thrust back a whole yard
And struck the ground in a rush, as Royal Flushed out his hole cards
The heat left his soul charred...the King had laid the man to rest
It wasnt from a lucky draw...he had just played his hand the best
So bet on Aces if you got em...cuz if you plan to stand the test
Your cards will all be worthless, when they get shuffled with the rest

Bigot Hitman
06-11-2007, 12:57 AM
Yo, a King on his block, known to bust a tech
Sold shit pure unpinched, he never cut the deck
Stacked his chips high, Diamonds glistened like a sweat drop
Played poke-her with his Queens, like a sweatshop til the sex stop

Good play on words for the second line, meaning he only sold uncut
But u followed up with IMO a weak simile about the sweat drop, The wordplay on the fourth line was pretty good wit the poker an queens but the overall concept translated is basic : he fucked his girls sweaty, and it doesn't truly flow together with the first two lines, too many syllables in the third an 4th. And again, like a sweatshop is just a descent simile.
(3/5)

He had a pair of them, who were a little scared of him
Their necks rocked the Prada, gave him half of their dollaz
Or he left em black, jack, like all he'd hear was "hit me"
But when this dealer busts, yo, its on some first degree

Good wordplay (Pair of them) and use of multies on the opening lines, even flow on the whole bar. The rhyme scheme use for the first bar (two lines) was excuted perfectly flow turned out good. Good use of wordplay again with black jack and hit me, and its a bonus that leaving them black means bruises so its not just words with empty meaning. The flow an wordplay was great on the first three, and u finished up these four lines with a descent concept explaining the ruthlessness of your main character, good story tellin so far.
(4.5/5)

Ya see he drew cards regularly, so his house was always full
For his protection, Heart-less goons, carryin Clubs
But hallways dull from 3 to 7...Straight in some mug came
Started sprayin, laid the goons out, in blood's name

I don't know exactly what u mean by "drew cards regurally" but i'm guessing it means nuttin in pussy cuz u say his house was always full next, which is another good play on words with the full house term. But the rhyme scheme attempted failed imo, rapping it to myself i couldn't catch it, the first two lines didn't rap into the third line enough ya know. But another good use of worplay with Heart-less and Clubs, But u jump from explain'in the character for a whole ten lines about, to the real story too quick, u need some good transition lines in between you last description lines of the character, and the begging of what happened wit the character. I didn't feel the flow on the last two lines either, seems like the first on needed to be shortened or the last one needed to be lengthed when i rapped it to myself.
(3/5)

Because the goons had 45's...intruder had a pair of 9's
And in crime, 2 of a kind beats high cards all of the time...
What a surpise to find now that the Kingpin was all alone
With some Jack he couldnt finish off, aimin shootin for his dome

Ok, the concept of a pair of 9's beating a bunch of dudes with 45's is weak, but, the wordplay of that first bar is great, pair of nines, two of a kind, all ties in to your card game termanology, so this bar is ok, just the concept is weak behind great wordplay.

Between the first two lines and the last two, i would put descriptive lines in giving a image of this place where this duke just kilt people, and is heading for the main character, and a few bars back i would have explained the look of the character who is raidin the king so the reader/listener would have a image of who your talkin about as they receive this shit. The wordplay used with Jack in the last line of theses for, was just descent, but i get that u had to write it cuz this is the style ur using for this shit right here.
Overall these four bars should be next to each other, your progressing to fast in the story here, u gotta sit back an describe sum stuff for a sec, give us some imagery on the scene here.
(2.8/5)

The King stood rooted by his throne, his brain was sharp like a blade
He raced to the nightstand, placed his chrome in his right hand
And slow played, while lead sprayed the walls, intruder was bluffin
Ammo was wastin, this shooter was nothin, the man's flow was basic

The rhyme scheme u used for the first two lines was good, the flow tied in right, but, sharp like a blade is too basic and simple, thats like hot like fire, or cold like snow ya know, too simple, when u wanna use a simile, go over the top and think of sumthing not said before if u can like "sharp like focused cameras", get what i mean?
I don't get a realistic feel of the last two lines, maybe i don't understand whats happening, but it seems like if he shot all those "goons" he wouldn't start "bluffin" then, but i caught the bluffin card termanolgy again, good job at disguising that. And the flow was basic doesn't make since to me, like y would u say that about him, he's not rapping he's shooting, i just don't get the last two lines story tellin wise.

(2.5/5)

He raced in, but clip was empty, the man had bet too high
While the King cocked his iron, aimed the Spade and let 2 fly
He hit a gut-shot straight...the man was thrust back a whole yard
And struck the ground in a rush, as Royal Flushed out his hole cards

I see where u used the spade shit we talked about, u wrote it pretty good, and the bet too high was ok, since it actually matched what would happen in the story, First two lines are pretty good and basic story tellin lines. The second line concepts was basic story tellin shit, the flow might be strected alittle though on the last two lines, i really felt the strong metaphors in the closing line, If i get this right, tell me if i'm wrong but, i get from this, like if u don't have any more descisons to make, or u stuck an can't do shit anymore, your outa cards right? so Royal is the King, flushed is just a substitutional verb for your wordplay term Royal flush, i like how that came out alot. Good thinking.
(4.5/5)

The heat left his soul charred...the King had laid the man to rest
It wasnt from a lucky draw...he had just played his hand the best
So bet on Aces if you got em...cuz if you plan to stand the test
Your cards will all be worthless, when they get shuffled with the rest

Nice flow and concepts and uses of all the card termanology again, really deep metaphorical shit, the concepts are basic, like most things are, but the way u chose to close this verse was suprising to me, how well u wrote i mean. The only thing about these last 4 lines i would change is make the closing one shorter but keep the concepts and wordplay in there, Cuz it seems the "when they" could be cut out of there or subsitiuted cuz it makes the flow strecth alittle, This is the best part of the whole piece, good job on closing on a strong note.
(4.8/5)


Overall on the whole piece i'd give it a 8/10. You should go back and add descriptions of the King, the shooter, and the killing scene, those are key parts of story tellin, u just left out true imagery on this. Good shit doe, big ups.

Chill
06-12-2007, 04:26 PM
I'm gonna explain some of the wordplay cuz I dont think I made some of it as clear as I intended to.



Or he left em black, jack, like all he'd hear was "hit me"
But when this dealer busts, yo, its on some first degree
"Dealer busts"...if the dealer gets over 21 in Blackjack, then he busts. The double meaning here is, a drug dealer shooting, like busting a cap.


Ya see he drew cards regularly, so his house was always full
For his protection, Heart-less goons, carryin Clubs
Drew cards could be, drawing a card like in a poker game...but the wordplay is, it could mean he put out murder hits. His house was always full (a play on a Full House in poker) to protect him against retaliation.


But hallways dull from 3 to 7...Straight in some mug came
Meaning, from 3 a.m. to 7 a.m., there wasnt much activity in the house - people were sleeping.
3,4,5,6,7...is a Straight in poker


He raced to the nightstand, placed his chrome in his right hand
And slow played, while lead sprayed the walls, intruder was bluffin
Slow played, a play on "slow playing your cards" in poker...it means waiting your opponent out, not being aggressive just yet. The intruder was bluffing here because he was shooting off all his ammo, waisting his bullets as they bounced off the wall instead of conserving it.


He hit a gut-shot straight...the man was thrust back a whole yard
And struck the ground in a rush, as Royal Flushed out his hole cards
A gut-shot straight is a hand in poker. But here it means he was shot "straight" in the gut.
Hole cards are the cards you start with in a hand of poker...here, it refers to the hole in the intruder's gut that the King made. Royal Flushed out his hole cards means blood poured out his holes...royal being red (blood), like a red carpet generally associated with royalty.