View Full Version : Feedback neeeeeeeded

06-11-2007, 01:51 PM
Ay yo. Wrote this last night at 5am-ish, fucking delusional from lack of sleep. Bout an MC, weight on his conscience, depressed from all sorts of shit and what not. He's dead in the first verse but the next 2 lead up to the death.. kinda starts at the end. Tell us if you get the rhyme scheme. Peace!

He could never afford turntables or mpc's
was just another juvenile delinquent slash wannabe emcee
livin the next day, gettin pay, nothin was a guarantee
to use a cliche, no one believed in this b
he was always known as a no good drug fiend
so he turn to crime and put the drugs straight in his blood stream
to know whats on the other side, spent most his time wondering
what'd happen if he died, and ended the suffering
he failed at school, but it wasnt coz he was slow
he failed because he already knew what there was to know
to survive on the streets, and philosophy on life
more interested in beats, and avoiding the knife
his past was littered with hate n drugs
his childhood filled with fakin thugs
when he passed out and nothin in the world could wake him up
his mind flashed back to all the mistakes he's done...

Wrote about his life, and the pain he feels
halfway through he wonders if anyones goin thro the same deal
can only compose on paper, but he's quite articulate
the hip-hop caper, this kids quite sick with it
his schitzophrenias startin to play tricks on the mental
so turns up the volume on the slick instrumental
sick of the commercial rap, to societys detrimental
so makes a pact to take it back like its a rental
only thing keepin him sane was the hip-hop environment
or his team being up when the final siren went
hip-hop was crashing, they're aint no denyin it
tired of stashin it, so he showed where the fire went
every night he wrote till 5 in the morn
about all the sins hes commited, how his disturbed minds torn
how hes submitted to darkness, and will never be reborn
even though he was aquitted, still pricked by the roses thorn

taking the knowledge inspired by the books hes read
he uses his talent to write truths that needs to be spread
like, how the cultural differences may always be vast,
but in the one man race we all finish last
tryin to inspire using love and serenity
through rhymes as he sits with a bottle of hennessy
sayin hes a changed man, askin god why isnt he gettin any
puts the gun to his mouth until the barrel is empty

I wrote it to a beat I'm tryina get... its off a mate of a mate, absolutely hot beat, real soulful and kinda depressing. just wrote to how it made me feel.. But yeah, the bars fit perfectly and what not, more interested in feedback on lyrics!

06-11-2007, 02:26 PM
shit got damn. harder to get some feedback around here then it is to fist a virgin.

06-11-2007, 02:36 PM
yo methodz-

since you waz the only 1 who had my back in the sneaker thread,
i'll shoot you some feedback-

i like how each verse endz, i could imagine the beat becoming
more prominent and a chorus dropping right then-


i liked the serenity..hennessey linez-



yo, you should go check page 3 of that OTB sneaker king thread
at dan cooley in general chat, them kidz waz catchin feelinz-

peace methodz-
keep writin them darts sunn-

06-11-2007, 02:40 PM
Cheers bro.. ah, need to spit it over the beat and get a recording up. Rhyme scheme sounds outta sync without me spitting/the beat. Props for the feedback man.

I'll check that shit out now

06-11-2007, 02:40 PM
Tight heart-felt hip-hop nicely written you better record this , because some where someone might need to hear this it could safe a life!

06-11-2007, 02:46 PM
Tight heart-felt hip-hop nicely written you better record this , because some where someone might need to hear this it could safe a life!

shit man, thats deep.

ill record it, just wanted to make sure it had purpose and people could understand the story. plus, ive gotta spit it to this other cat to get the beat, so wanted to perfect it..

for real man, cheers for the feedback.was in your thread before it only had a chorus down

06-11-2007, 02:50 PM
Go for it, I'd like to hear this. Could be real nice.

06-11-2007, 02:54 PM
yo methodz-

i think you might swear a couple timez-
might make it more real-
like in line 3, you could spit..
livin the next day,gettin pay, waznt SHIT guaranteed

you feel me?
what do you think sunn?
if you dont want to swear, i can respect that tho, thats peace-

hit me back-

dope rhymez, mad dope


06-11-2007, 03:02 PM
I get EXACTLY what you mean man. problems tryin to fit the words in with the timing still being spot on for breathing patterns and shit. your idea fits nicely actually, nice work bro.

cheers for the feedback damaja, ill up this shit on here and hopefully organise a fuckin myspace haha