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BlaK FuRYaN
08-03-2005, 11:51 AM
Pain Rained On The Kathers Who Practiced Polythiestic Factors
Their Viens Drained By The Dracular Masters Who Had Them Captured
Constrained Pain Bounded To Stakes In The Shape Of A Crusifiction
The Day Came A Shiehk Makes An Evasive Jurisdiction
So They Were Slaughtered On Tha Alter For Failing To Improve There Living
Chewed Swine Consumed Wine and Worshipped confused Religions
Fornicated With Impure Women - Who Birth The Seeds Of Druid Children
They Smirked And Breathed submereged in greed with serpent creeds subdued in sinning....
Removing The Crimson From The Living - The Demonds Of Cane & Able
Remained Unstable From Racial Fables Told By Their Mother Who Shaked Their Cradle....
She Was A Slave Of Babel Who Gave Them Maple From Satan's Table & Raised Disabled....
Laballed As The Wretched With Demonised Ethics Probed By Sceptics.....

unfinished

Dae Ja Nae
08-04-2005, 01:07 AM
Nice use of multies BlaK ... nice read as well.

Peace

GuardianOne
08-04-2005, 07:07 AM
It was nice but i thought i noticed the first lines seemed to cause difficulty flowing to the next but it was nice, how can it be not finished? When you have already gone this far?

Peace
PS: Post the finished one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Killer Falcon
08-04-2005, 06:10 PM
great flow, very consistent throughout the verse. lyrical content was all on point, the verse reminds me of one of ras kass's conscious verses. finish this piece off and post it up if you can, its looking good so far.

peace

martyr
08-04-2005, 11:03 PM
....this is nice... you've got lotsa potential with this and i mean a lot...

"pain rained on the Kathers, who practiced polythiestic factors"

this is hot but the flow allows for so little spacing that the next line almost fucks it up, almost... it needs to be more like:

"veins drained by the Dracular, **insert one sylable word here**, masters **insert word that rhymes with polytheistic here** captured/"


i know thats a hard thing to do but if you do that for those lines and the rest of the verse it will make the piece flow much better... there were some nice imagery in here and good multies and descriptions... keep writting homey, and re write the piece a little and make the flow more fluent... peace...

BlaK FuRYaN
08-05-2005, 01:17 PM
Good lookin out Dae, Winte Guardian and Martyr....thanx for tha advice too....

peace

BRASSKNUCKLED PAI MEI
08-05-2005, 03:41 PM
Yeah these pieces always get me writing I believe I've seen this one before or something very similar to it..PEACE