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05-09-2008, 05:47 PM






RzaRectum :D




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Featurette article:

The aftermath

Throwing stones in a glass dreamhouse

Laura Vilines, Matt Simonton, and Travis Petersen

Page 1 of 1

In addition to the thousands of pre-teen girls who spent their Valentine's Days weeping profusely, the Cadenza staff also spent their holiday drowning their grief with fuzzy navels in hot pink glassware. And the cause of the overwhelming sorrow that has managed to penetrate the hearts of Cadenza editors? The devastating break-up of America's most famous and beloved couple, Barbie and Ken. Barbie's representatives announced on Thursday that after 43 years of pre-marital relationship bliss, Barbie has decided to step back into the tenuous waters of the Mattel dating pool. It seems, however, that Barbie will not remain a swinging single for long. In photos of Mattel's upcoming fall line, Barbie is seen in the arms of another man, Blaine, an Australian boogie boarder whose spiked tips and metrosexual flair put Ken's business suits and ballet tights to shame. Still, the break-up has left our lives in mere shambles, begging the question-why, after nearly half a century of couplehood and after all those years of babysitting, trips to the beach, and living in separate rooms inside their posh Dreamhouse, would Barbie and Ken pursue lives as "just friends"? As some means of consolation, and because Barbie's representatives have chosen simply to respond to inquiries with a stoic "No comment," we have concocted six of the most plausible explanations for the Barbie and Ken split.

The Top Six

6. In response to the Massachusetts Supreme Court ruling allowing for gay marriage, Ken decided to finally proclaim his homosexuality and has recently bought a home in Provincetown with G.I. Joe.

5. After 43 years, even Levitra couldn't keep a "spark" in their relationship. A hot pink Ferrari and a three-story cruise ship couldn't make up for Ken's lack of flexibility in the sack. Barbie has been reported as saying, "His entire body is stiff...except the part that needs to be."

4. Ken went insane and tried to construct the perfect woman, Frankenstein-style, using a combination of Legos, discarded Barbie limbs, and human hair. Ken said from his padded hospital room, "My new woman is a brick house. I needed something to hold on to, and Barbie's so skinny, the girl's gotta jump around in the shower to get wet."

3. Barbie discovered a secret porn video featuring Ken, her kid sister Skipper, and R. Kelly.

2. Ken claimed Barbie is schizophrenic due to her never-ending style changes and personas: Malibu Barbie, Jewel Hair Mermaid Barbie, Pink Sparkle Fairy Barbie, 1920s Flapper Barbie, and "My Scene Cruisin' in my Ride" with Ellis Barbie. The relationship finally came to an end when she tried to impersonate a cop in her Post-9/11 police officer outfit.

1. Ken claims that he's found a Madame Alexander doll with actual nipples. Barbie shoots back that Blaine's packing more than just an undefined bulge beneath those Hawaiian board shorts.

05-09-2008, 06:01 PM

05-10-2008, 03:44 AM
LOL, I just love the realism and timelessness of the entire setting.

Sicka than aidZ
05-10-2008, 03:48 AM
Word Word....i Always Made Fun Of Kids Playin With Dolls. Even The Bitches. Those Were The Dayz

Greek Gheynician Anal Tradition
05-10-2008, 06:26 AM
Nice shit..

05-10-2008, 06:42 AM
the money shot was epic.

05-10-2008, 09:20 AM
hahaha :lmao:

05-12-2008, 12:53 PM
Dream like euphoria