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View Full Version : just some quick shit i need some feed on


Socrates
10-28-2008, 11:10 AM
I just recently started writing and wanting to take this shit more serious and I need some feed. I only have 6 bars (weird but oh well.) but I wanna know how yall feel about this.


I aint scared of ya, I'm iller than malaria,
I'll break through ya barrier, and crash ya interior,
I'm superior, the rest are just inferior,
I must be going deaf, cuz other rappers I ain't hearin ya,
So fall back, before you get ya jaw cracked,
Or I grab a ball bat, and you get ya skull bashed.

Sinapse
10-28-2008, 08:54 PM
Pretty decent rhyme scheme, imo its good you are writing with at least 2 and 3 syllable rhymes, stick to that and even longer rhymes, will only make you doper in the end; some cats say you sacrifice wordplay and wit if you use too many multies - that's bullshit, no says you can't do both. Regardless of what you are saying, the more shit that is rhyming the doper it will sound.

That said this was pretty generic, as you'd expect since you just started. No point worrying too much about that now, focus on mechanics..flow and rhyme patterns.

If you wanna do actual raps, learn to write for beats from the beginning. Like you got one line in there that would never fit on beat:

I must be going deaf, cuz other rappers I ain't hearin ya,

First half of the line is 6 syllables, no problem there...but 2nd half is 10 syllables - thats mad long and you'd never be able to fit that on beat without mumbling it really fast.

Drop unnecessary words, will help flow:

I must be going deaf, rappers I ain't hearin ya...

Socrates
10-29-2008, 10:49 AM
thanks for the feed. ima take all of that into consideration and try to work on it.

White_Mouse
11-01-2008, 03:57 PM
yes indeed if your just starting out props for beginning multi schemes, even though i will admit some wordplay WILL be lost if that's the only thing that your going for, i'd experiment with diff styles, your style here is pretty generic as Sinapse mentioned, one way to do that is place the words that rhyme at diff parts of the bars, but just keep doing it but remember, text is only HALF of what being an emcee means, if your serious about this work on delivery flow, energy and a unique style to bring to the mic, piece

SHEEPISH LORD OF CHAOS
11-02-2008, 12:08 AM
i like it. i think the verse it self has allot of potential and your lines have allot substance i think if you really work on it your flow and pattern will develop on it's own.