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KERZO
12-07-2008, 03:22 PM
Word up -

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125 Things Not to say During Sex

1)is it in?
2)that's it?
3)you've got to be kidding me.
4)(phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
5)do i have to pay for this?
6)do i have to call you tomorrow?
7)oh momma, momma!
8)oh dadda, dadda!
9)you look better in the dark.
10)this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11)i thought that goes in the other hole....
12)don't tell my husband/wife.
13)you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
14)this sucks.
15)can you finish now? i have a meeting...
16)i hope you don't expect a raise for this...
17)i think you might get the job for this.
18)damn! is that all you know what to do.
19)did i tell you, i have herpes?
20)now we must get married.
21) hurry up, the games about to start.
22)i'm hungry.
23)i'm thirsty.
24)zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25)are you trying to be funny?
26)can i have a ride home after this?
27)are those real?
28)by the way, i want to break up.
29)is that smell coming from you?
30)haven't you ever done this before?
31)wow!! i've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
32)do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
33)you're so much like your sister....
34)your mom's cute.
35)what's your name again?
36)do i have to be here in the morning?
37)a second time? i barely stayed awake the first time!
38)but you just started!!
39)you're about as good as a 9 year old, and i should know!!
40)don't touch that!!
41)can we order a pizza?
42)i think my dad is listening at the door.
43)smile for the camera, honey!!!
44)take off that damn monkey glove!!
45)get your hand out of there!!
46)i think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
47)i knew you wore a padded bra!!
48)cover me boys, i'm going in!!!
49)DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
50)Fire one!
51)God, that is small!!
52)hold on, let me change the channel...
53)who smells like fish?
54)is it o.k. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
55)your best-friend does it much better.
56)hope you don't mind i left my boots on.
57)hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
58)you're fogging up the wind-sheild.
59)can i borrow 5 bucks?
60)what the hell noise was that?!
61)stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
62)shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
63)you know, you're not really attractive.
64)i'm sorry, i was not listening.
65)what, oh yea, i love you too, now let me concentrate!!
66)stop interrupting me!!
67)i have to take a shit.
68)did i leave the iron on?
69)your breath is funky.
70)(start singing Green Day).
71)is it o.k. if i call someone, its o.k. though, keep going....
72)its ok honey, i can imagine that its bigger.
73)god i wish you were a real woman.
74)why can't you ever shave your legs?
75)by the way, when i drove over here, i ran over your dog....
76)oh susan, susan... i mean donna.... shit.
77)your breast milk is like my mom's....
78)you're hairy!!
79)your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
80)is it o.k. if i never see you again?
81)did i forget to tell you i got worms from my cat?
82)don't make that face at me!
83)all of a sudden i have a headache.
84)you're boring.
85)i like your tits.
86)suck my dick, bitch.
87)how much do i owe you?
88)How come we each have a penis?
89)of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'l kill me!
90)your ass is hairy (the guy says this).
91)just use your finger, its bigger.
92)does your family have to watch?
93)we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
94)get off me, i'll do it myself!!!!
95)can you hold this sandwhich for me?
96)you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
97)the only reason i'm doing this is because i'm drunk.
98)my mom taught me this.....
99)how cute... peach fuzz!
100)Damn girl! my tits are bigger than your's!
101)should i ask why you're bleeding?
102)this is my pet rat, larry....
103)if you can't do it, i'll find someone else who can!
104)i haven't had this much sex since i was a hooker!
105)i was once a woman...
106)wanna see me take out my glass eye?
107)no i don't love your mind, i can't grab that!!
108)is it o.k. if i tell my friends about this?
109)i'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
110)you wanted me to use a condom?
111)you're no better than my brother!!
112)mooooo!!
113)Fire in the hole!!!
114)i wanna see how many quaters i can fit in there.
115)hurry up, i'm late for a date.
116)o.k. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!
117)you ever see basic instinct?
118)i'm out of condoms, can i use a sock?
119)don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
120)Did i tell you where my cold sore came from?
121)you got boogies showing.
122)(start reciting the 10 commandments).
123)i think i just shit on your bed.
124)of course i don't love you.
125)let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.

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10 To Offend

Q. A black and a Puerto Rican are in the same car, who's driving?
A. The Policeman

Q. What do you call a Greek girl who keeps running away from home?
A. A virgin.


Q. What do Orientals use Dental Floss for?
A. Blindfolds.


Q. Hear about the library that burnt down in Paris ?
A. Destroyed their entire collection and they hadn't even finished colouring in the second one !


Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.


Q. Who won the Belgian beauty contest?
A. Nobody.


Q. Why do Italian men have mustaches?
A. So they can look like their mothers.


Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.


Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!


Q. British General addressing Australian troops: Did you come here to die?
A. No mate, we came here yester-die.

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http://n3t.net/humor/1412_mgstobacco8re.jpg



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10 Things That Piss Me Off!


1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy, considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?
5. When people say "Its always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theater and stare at fucking ceiling up there.
7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!
8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
9. When something is new and improved, which is it? If its new, then there has never been anything before it. If its an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going. You should know, asshole. You fucking pulled me over!

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http://n3t.net/humor/1737_this-sign-has-sharp-edges.jpg


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40 WAYS to describe an Idiot

1. A few fries short of a happy meal.
2. The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.
3. A few bricks shy of a full load.
4. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.
5. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit all of the branches on the way down.
6. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
7. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
8. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
9. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
10. A few clowns short of a circus.
11. If he had another brain it would be lonely.
12. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
13. An expirement in Artificial Stupidity.
14. A few beers short of a six-pack.
15. Dumber than a box of hair.
16. A few peas short of a casserole.
17. Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one bowl.
18. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
19. One taco short of a combination plate.
20. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
21. All foam no beer.
22. The cheese slid off of his cracker.
23. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
24. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
25. Warning: objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
26. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
27. As smart as bait.
28. Chimney's clogged.
29. Her sewing machine is out of thread.
30. His antenna doesn't get all of the channels.
31. Missing a few buttons on the remote control.
32. No grain in the silo.
33. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
34. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
35. Receiver is off the hook.
36. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
37. Skylight leaks a little.
38. Slinky's kinked.
39. Surfing in Nebraska.
40. In the pinball game of life, his flippers are a little too far apart.

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Tranny Guide


http://n3t.net/humor/42-below-ad-transvestite.jpg

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60 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do..." and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see what in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at the passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
51. Bring a water pistol. Soak everyone's shoes.
52. Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming "Aaughh! Get them off!"
53. Challenge your neighbor to a "Tic-Tac-Toe" tournament.
54. Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other passengers like they are crazy.
55. Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and wearing only a bath robe. Mutter something about how husbands/wives always come home early just when it's getting to the good part.
56. Make chalk drawings on the walls.
57. As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting "Down! I said down, dammit!"
58. Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.
59. Try to get a game of "Twister" going.
60. Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.

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http://n3t.net/humor/BibleWarningLabel.jpg

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HOW TO TRANSLATE PERSONAL ADS:

WOMEN'S ADS:

40-ish....................................49
Adventurer.............................Slept with all your friends
Athletic..................................No tits
Average looking......................Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful................................Pathologi cal liar
Contagious Smile....................Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated..........................Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure.................Medicated
Feminist..................................Fat ball buster
Free spirit...............................Junkie
Friendship first................Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun......................................Annoying
Gentle...................................Comatose
Good Listener........................Borderline Autistic
New-Age...............................All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned.......Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded..........................Desperate
Outgoing................................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate..............................Sloppy drunk
Poet.......................................Depress ive Schizophrenic
Professional............................Certified Bitch
Redhead.................................Bad dye-job
Reubenesque...........................Grossly Fat
Romantic................................Looks better by candle light
Social..............Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
Voluptuous.............................Very Fat
Height/weight proportional.......Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate......................Stalker
Widow................................Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart. .......................Old bat

MEN'S ADS:

40-ish.....................................52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic...................................Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking...........Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, &back
Educated..............................Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit........... ...................Banging your sister
Friendship first...................As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun.................................Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking...........................Arrogant
Very good looking....................Dumb as a board
Honest....................................Patholog ical Liar
Huggable.......................Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle........................Insecure mama's boy
Mature....................................Older than your father
Open-minded....Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Physically fit............................Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet.......................Wrote ex-girlfriend's phone number on a bathroom stall
Sensitive..................................Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive...........................Gay
Spiritual....................................Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable..........................Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful......................Says "Excuse me" when he farts
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http://n3t.net/humor/FBI-MCSOTerroristFlyer-Back.jpg

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Bad Excuses

Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.----------------------------------------------------------
http://n3t.net/humor/MCDs_Marketting.jpg

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http://n3t.net/humor/MiriamsAdvice.jpg

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What She Really Means

* You want = You want
* We need = I want
* It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
* Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
* We need to talk = I need to complain
* Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
* I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
* You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
* You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
* I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
* Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
* This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. .I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
* I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
* Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
* Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
* How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
* I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
* Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
* You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
* Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
* I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
* Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
* Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
* I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
* All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?


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KERZO
12-07-2008, 03:54 PM
New State Slogans

Alabama:
Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
By 30 Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedies Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware:
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan:
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana:
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, & Very Little Else

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada:
Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire:
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:
You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York:
You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina:
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota:
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio:
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma:
Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina:
Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee:
The Educashun State

Texas:
Si' Hablo Ing'les
(Yes, I Speak English)

Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont:
Yep

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin:
Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming:
Where Men Are Men...And The Sheep Are Afraid!!!!!!!!!!

SKAMPOE
12-07-2008, 05:07 PM
lamest poster ever award goes toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo????????????????? ??






























http://socaldem.smugmug.com/photos/6069335_wLhcP-M.jpg (http://socaldem.smugmug.com/gallery/104037_PX4wk#6069335_wLhcP-A-LB)

KERZO
12-07-2008, 05:39 PM
cheers skamp...i do try,

SKAMPOE
12-07-2008, 05:43 PM
for fucks sake, i was kidding, this works better if u diss me back, duh!

KERZO
12-07-2008, 05:51 PM
hahahaha i thought about it but i'll save the hate for mid-week..its sunday and i'm tired so i can't be arsed...theres gotta be someone you can wind up in here skampoe?? :mexico:

drippie k
12-07-2008, 05:54 PM
its mildy entertaining for those who aint got shit else to do

Dokuro
12-07-2008, 05:59 PM
you have way to much time on your hands fuck this im gona go watch .hack

KERZO
12-07-2008, 06:33 PM
nah i was just reading that shit while i was munching on my dinner so thats why i posted it...i got work all next week so i gotta post as much garbage as possible over the weekend...thankyouplease!

Tyler Durden
12-07-2008, 06:47 PM
http://n3t.net/humor/1412_mgstobacco8re.jpg



Fucking love that

minibumpsh
12-07-2008, 07:09 PM
damn fermi ur corny as hell

drippie k
12-07-2008, 08:25 PM
ooohh beef^^

KERZO
12-08-2008, 06:43 PM
cheers miniherpsh!

http://n3t.net/humor/motivation/aspirations.jpg

You go get em girl!!