View Full Version : My first verse

01-13-2009, 05:02 PM
So I just kind of sat down this afternoon and this came to me.

Any suggestions/comments?

With the zig-zag-zig
I dropped my cig
dropped the bottle
and I flipped my wig
I left the cave
Got more minds to save
from the shameful existence
of establishmental dependance
Truth be told
truth is something to be sold
Manipulated and controlled
by those with gold
Who decry intelligence
for snobbish arrogance
while praising ignorance
as plain old common sense
85 believe this shit
and waste their mental gifts
Convenience is their master
They want a simple answer
Just 10 word solutions
For crime rates and pollution
What they get are just illusions
But its consenting confusion
No stomach for reality
truth becomes a fallacy
the wise become the hated
while the evil are celebrated
Knowledge is legislated
while truth is invalidated
facts replaced with hatred
and you callin this education?
I call it "legal mind control"
that shapes the ebb and flow
of our world and society
so dont lie to me
I've got eyes that see
my mind I set fee
dissent I must lead
against the ten who seek greed
and deliberately mislead
Our knowledge is like the the seed
which grows into a tree
In a landscape thats bleak
we rise for all to see
"All is not what it seems"

01-13-2009, 05:37 PM
It is nice for a first verse.

Ok, I'll criticize first, since you won't get anything good from praise:

1. Make your lines longer and better flowing, with more words that can flow with the next one.

2. Make stuff more complex thatn 'eyes that see' and 'mind set free'.

But, everything else is on point. Keep writing, this is a good place to receive feedback. Continue writing in this thread, so you could see your evolution more organized.


01-13-2009, 06:38 PM
a rule of thumb, always try to use words like these as less as possible

''like, is, and, the, I,''

subtitute these words with other smarter ones lol its hard as fuck and i always fall victum to usinem lol thats y im sayin.... but yo im feelin the written u posted.

01-13-2009, 09:15 PM
Thanks, I'll keep all that in mind. Here's what I wrote this evening, completely different style. Got some Wu references and my take on the GZa 50 scuffle

I'm no gun-toter and I dont smoke rocks,
So keep ya arm & hammer and fuck ya pots
just like ya girl, a buncha nuts I got
just like a squirrel, never call back say "I forgot!"
Dont fall asleep, I might rush ya spot
Stole ya bitches key I aint got to knock
No need for guns now, I'll rob ya with my cock
Im all about CREAM, shouldnt be a shock
Greedy like a jew, just call me shylock
And 50 aint shit, hes like "post hoc"
Just riding coat tails till white kids made ya shit hot
How you gonna try to slam the Genius, that all you got?
Thats like comparing Beyonce to a cummed in sock.

01-16-2009, 07:49 AM
Ayo, J-ezzy, Ayo, I feel ya fam
My reply comes to ya fird eye like BAMM!!
Demanding you bring more outta hand rhymes
Sometimes you might find my sublime lines outta time

I stand here as cyril sneer, looking queer, drinking beer
Visualise multi-dimensional symetrical gears
Rotating dialating mass replicating
Your on wu-corp, so why you ain't hating?

Mega ton force,smashing through yer front door
Bet ya ain't felt these sharp darts before
Aplore-able, I'm the adorably deplorable
Deplorably adorable, Ayo take yer pick

Put the shit on a stick and rub it on yer dick
Slashing necks, amassing debts, no threats
Bomb like jets flown by vietnam vets
Watch me end this rhyme without even breaking a sweat