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Art Vandelay
02-04-2009, 11:41 PM
Big Ben: The hatred runs deep

By Tony Giro
Examiner Sports Columnist 2/3/09
I'm in an abusive relationship with a guy named Ben. I met him, geez, I guess five years ago. It was the winter of 2004.
I'll never forget the first time I laid eyes on him. He was just standing around, holding a clipboard for a guy named Tommy. He seemed harmless enough -- almost unassuming and Shrek-like with his super-sized head and unsightly moles.
I didn't really think much of him until he and Tommy exchanged roles.
If I only had known what I know now, I could've saved the $10 I spent on the "Steelers Suck" T-shirt I bought that day.
I mean, how the hell was I supposed to envision a tall oaf like him would make a living ripping my heart out one ventricle at a time?
I get cold just thinking about the first time he broke the huddle. You know how some guys just have a look -- the look that separates them from everyone else? He had it.
All the greats -- Unitas, Jordan, Gretzky, Don Rickles -- had it.
I want to give myself a home lobotomy just to erase the memory of the first time he dropped back, scrambled and threw a dart downfield.
"Lucky," I told myself.
"He just pulled that one out of his butt," my buddy, Dave, said.
Then Ben did it again.
And again.
Then, I didn't feel so good.
I tried to convince myself my queasiness was a byproduct of too many beers. Maybe it was the iridescent pit beef sandwich I bought from a sketchy looking fella on the corner of Ostend and Leadenhall streets that twisted my stomach in knots.
Could it have been I inhaled too much smoke from the Terrible Towel bonfire we made during the tailgate earlier that day?
Whatever it was that made me feel like I had a squirrel in my larynx, I knew I didn't like it.
Saying this guy was only slightly better than the guy he replaced would be akin to saying the Beatles were slightly more talented than Flock of Seagulls.
His team was the Four Seasons without Frankie Valli.
The Maytals without Toots.
Pearl with no Jam.
Why the hell did Tommy have to get hurt that day?
Why, football Zeus, why?
The more I watched him that day, the more I hated him and his, "Oh, look at me. I'm so calm. Watch me act like my spleen was ripped Mortal Kombat-style from my body and come back on an ambulance 10 minutes later to finish you."
Now, I feel like I've seen that chutzpah a million times. Well, at least 18 times after his Houdini act on Sunday against the Cardinals.
My friends try to tell me to let it go -- that a voodoo doll and repeated prank calls to his parents' house aren't going to solve my problem.
My friends tell me he's ruining my life.
I think they're right.
After all, I recently Googled the telltale signs of abuse -- and I'll be damned if I didn't land squarely in the middle of an Ike and Tina situation.
Ben prevents me from going where I want, when I want:
I had plans to go to Tampa last weekend, but noooo. Somebody had to make some plays on countless third-and-forevers against the Ravens.
You don't even care that I might have spent some money on airfare, super bowl tickets and an all-inclusive package at Mons Venus.
Sure, no, you go instead, Ben. No, I want you to. Maybe, I'll just go to Miami next year.
Ben makes me destroy my property:
Remember that time, Week 15, to be exact, when you drove your team down the field and you threw the ball to Santonio Holmes and the referees gave you a touchdown even though it really wasn't?
I broke some stuff after that happened.
Oh, and remember when you scored in Super Bowl XLIII with 35 seconds left? Someone might have punched my dog, Muggsy, square in the face because of that play.
You can't prove anything because she's a bulldog and as far as the authorities know, her face already looked like that.
Ben makes it hard for me to face my coworkers:
It's hard to reason with a group who just recently jumped on your bandwagon and are wearing bootleg Steelers jerseys. Sometimes, when they're not looking, I blow my nose with their Terrible Towels. And none of them ever has an answer for this simple question: If Pittsburgh is so great, how come you left and came here?
Ben has multiple personalities:
I see your TV interviews. With Warren Sapp, you sounded like Eminem. With Rich Eisen, you talked like Willie Nelson.
And don't get me started on how you'll play like Chris "Boomer" Berman for three quarters of a game and then turn it on like Norman "Boomer" Esiason in the fourth.
Just being yourself is the first step in the road to your recovery -- and my own.
Why can't I just walk away? Better yet, why doesn't he just walk away? Retire. Put me out of my misery.
Isn't two Super Bowl rings enough?

Visionz
02-05-2009, 04:15 AM
Me and you where basing the guy about three weeks ago. Did the superbowl change your mind?

ALC
02-05-2009, 10:34 AM
This guy is only going to get more, especially if the Steelers play defense the way they can.

Olive Oil Goombah
02-05-2009, 11:49 AM
It just shows that Pittsburgh fans are retardedly moronic.

Big Ben is a good QB, has been since his dominating days at Miami OH.

LOL...art told me steeler fans want Byron Leftwich instead.....

Art Vandelay
02-05-2009, 04:26 PM
i don't know if i said that steeler fans want that, that's what i said i wanted

Olive Oil Goombah
02-05-2009, 07:53 PM
well i gave you a chance to redeem yourself and, on cue, it went right over ur head