once upon a time in shaolin - buy the book now!
Page 59 of 63 FirstFirst ... 94956575859606162 ... LastLast
Results 871 to 885 of 938

Thread: Bigot Hitman's Book

  1. #871
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Cincinnati, walnut hills
    Age
    27
    Posts
    2,165
    Rep Power
    15

    Default Feelings

    I wish i had something to give
    that in return, would give back the feeling
    of having something to lose...
    I'm so guilty man there's nothing to prove
    As my thoughts pass by,
    My childhood windows, i break up and ask why
    I feel like the sixth piece
    of a five piece puzzle, so left out and unneeded
    I'm too many years deep in trouble
    Cuz socially i was a space shuttle
    Isolated in my own world
    WHich has become my own hell
    I'm burning inside, but look at my face...you can't tell
    My mom's is like ooh well, when he gets back in school
    this will go away,
    Little does she know i can feel colder days
    I've been rained on everyday for months now
    And i have to fight a thousand yards
    Just for a touchdown
    On to my happy side
    Which isn't near what it use to be
    I can't hold conversations, depression's confusing me
    Its like everyday its the same challenge
    And i have to see or talk to certain people
    Just to maintain balance
    As I'm steps away from pain, miles away from joy
    I wake up hoping i can smile today....
    Maybe the sunshine will cause my clouds to break
    Then i can be me...
    I swear that's all i want to see
    Is it too much to ask, too much to pray for?
    Am i drinking from the glass of change
    Too much, too fast?
    I'm fighting a two-front battle as i try to make friends
    Struggling through depression's war grounds
    It makes my mind state spin
    Sometimes it seems insurmountable but still
    I continue to climb to stable land to expand and build
    On a person, who never did the right things
    With the people in which to now his whole life clings
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  2. #872
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Cincinnati, walnut hills
    Age
    27
    Posts
    2,165
    Rep Power
    15

    Default In my own hell

    I'm all alone in my hole because its like
    my helping hands don't understand
    when and how to reach
    Or maybe since i'm lost, they don't want to seek...
    In conversations i wonder who's gonna speak
    My depressed layer,
    Or part of the real me oppressed underneath...
    I never thought i'd form a mental illness
    Now i can see why people
    Turn suicidal when they feel this.....
    I talked to a doctor for two and half hours
    Ad he still doesn't know
    the depth of the hole
    That restrains my soul
    That maintains control, even when i feel free
    Somedays i wouldn't mind if you'd just kill me....
    About back in april, i was cut out my fable
    Which was having no friends while being socially stable....
    Living that lie formed pain i can't contain now
    I was content all alone since 8th grade and can't explain how....
    So i'm stuck with the same social skills from three years ago
    Plus with these clouds,
    It doesn't take much rain for the tears to flow...
    Damn, i never thought i'd be praying to feel good
    to feel joy, to feel wanted and just to be understood....
    I hear so many dangers hiding in the bushes
    along this steep drop i pull to stay atop
    while everything pushes....
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  3. #873
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Cincinnati, walnut hills
    Age
    27
    Posts
    2,165
    Rep Power
    15

    Default The night I ended the pain

    More times than none my mirror displays
    A stagnant face loosing its ability to feel
    I wish with tears in my eyes the image wasn't real...
    I shouldn't dwell on mistakes, but its all i can remember
    From five to seventeen, January's to Decembers....
    I'd kill myself before i'd give this pain to another
    Even if i never knew'em
    Just knowing its my fault, my life would be ruined....
    I'm so ready to fly away
    There's nobody here to hold me down
    I'm listening for guidance
    But confusions the only sound.....
    My reality feels like one in a million
    like one wave in a sea
    like one grain of sand of the longest beach.....
    I accept that, but with that comes depression
    I've never been part of a puzzle
    Fitting in was just out of the question....
    Maybe that's why my mind made me feel ok all along
    While being on my own island, content all alone....
    But when i made my first friend and crossed that bridge
    Of true joy, then i felt what being happy is....
    Ok, so now i can see clear, and i try to build
    upon foreign lands, when i get captured and killed....
    By who else? depression,
    being with my first friend
    Made me lose my ability to be happy by myself
    And without blessin's all i see is the worst end....
    ------
    Ambulance parked in front of my house
    No sirens,
    Front porch with the crime scene yellow tape
    My mom standing off to the side
    with a tear glazed face....
    The friends i tried in vein to make before i did it
    Just stop and think of me for a minute....
    Then forget about me, as i completely cease to exist
    and burn in hell because alone, i couldn't jump this fence....
    Last edited by Bigot Hitman; 08-03-2008 at 12:37 PM.
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  4. #874
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Cincinnati, walnut hills
    Age
    27
    Posts
    2,165
    Rep Power
    15

    Default Daily Trials & Tribulations

    Loneliness, thats the heart of it, but not the start of it
    My vines never strived to climb until now
    As my emotions are absent, my roots are real down-
    -deep in my mistakes, i could only see short term
    Which turned out to be turns for the worst, the worst turns//
    The hardest thing to accept is not being able to feel
    Unless i'm around my few friends who help me seem real//
    Help me seem normal, like i don't ponder suicide
    They're matches that i can strike to lead me to the light//
    I quote, "first it steals your mind, and then your soul"
    See my mind's been lost, and i can't feel myself as a whole//
    I hate who this makes me, i swear I'd end'em
    If i didn't know the real me was opressed down in'em//
    I'd take bullets in exchange for mental relief
    To lose this forever i'd sacrifice fingers, toes, teeth//
    Its like i'm constantly reminded of my cracks and potholes
    As I walk other life's streets, i see they don't got those//
    Seemingly smooth on the surface
    Yeah I know nobody's perfect, still i feel worthless
    The thing that hurts the worst is-
    -feeling happy with all of my pistons pump'in
    Still knowing that in that lifeless state i can't function-
    -and soon its come'in//
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  5. #875
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Cincinnati, walnut hills
    Age
    27
    Posts
    2,165
    Rep Power
    15

    Default 4 months of this

    I'm about 4 months into my incarceration
    My survival instinct has misplaced its patience//
    Its crazy that my few friends are my only anti-depressants
    Making me feel brittle as my esteem lessens//
    I was a spiteful kid, not halfway delightful
    Didn't know how to interact
    Or how to have fun and still don't infact//
    Over time, I turned more shallow in my lake
    My reflection then was foreshadow'in my fate//
    The word shy, couldn't even start to explain
    The effects of rules that set me apart from the game//
    There's so much concealed fodder spark'in the flames
    From unseen brightspots i had darkened in vein//
    And those would be, all of the people who tried to befriend me
    But until some months ago, i didn't know how to be friendly//
    So many flaws, more than the average diamond in the ruff
    And reality has shoved and force fed me a tough-
    -dose of depression, lasting for too many months now
    Its hard to smile even when i score game winning touch downs//
    Blind to my progress,
    Lost in a maze of immovable objects
    With my mind feeling like...
    some pshychologists' project//
    I'm the most unwanted prospect
    Never been drafted
    Enduring a hidden mental sickness, growing
    like i can't out last it//
    Only friends can contain it
    I've been numb to different feelings for so long
    I fear my soul's change'in//
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  6. #876
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Cincinnati, walnut hills
    Age
    27
    Posts
    2,165
    Rep Power
    15
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  7. #877
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Cincinnati, walnut hills
    Age
    27
    Posts
    2,165
    Rep Power
    15

    Default Through these eyes

    I took one slow step out side
    and stood face to face with mistakes
    Reality was left and right
    I saw a familiar place

    Inability stole my hope
    It became hard to laugh or smile
    Then something broke my rope
    that was bound to my innerchild

    Now joy comes and goes
    Its barried beneath the snow
    My friends can make it melt
    Still my heart remains cold

    The sickness renews the ice
    Thoughts incubate the strains
    Quick peace is suicide
    If the mind can't take the pain

    Depression's my best friend
    He nevers wants to leave me
    He's always by my side
    Just when things aren't so easy

    He pushes me in isolation
    He's great at numbing feelings
    Hiding me in thick blankets
    Connecting floors and ceilings

    I'm lost deep in a land
    In which so many call a home
    My true self's sleep in a man
    Who's lifeless all alone

    My sky's are in my caves
    My grass is dead and dry
    The voices of my past
    Say go ahead and cry
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  8. #878
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Cincinnati, walnut hills
    Age
    27
    Posts
    2,165
    Rep Power
    15

    Default

    I sleep on Everest's mountains
    Walk through Sahara's deserts
    I breathe in the deepest fountains
    And touch clouds with nestling feathers

    I'm blown down by the softest winds
    Drown in shallow streams
    The thinnest rays of light
    Makes my dry corpse bleed

    I have a couple of friends
    They hold keys to cages
    They calm my troubles within
    But my equation never changes

    Tall waves sharpen my bank
    Smooth streets smoke my wheels
    As tears dance down my face
    You'd smile at what broke my seal

    My feelings cease to exist
    The sunlight doesn't burn
    I have a force fake smilles as
    Windchills don't make me turn

    Nothing can catch my eyes
    Except blessings in disguise
    All my casts are blind
    As broken poles guide my line

    Candle flames and moths
    I cower in the shade
    I'm drawn to the light
    but fear the burns and pains

    My roots rot and mold
    As my leaves drop and drip
    the blood of my past wounds
    Still no one believes i'm sick
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  9. #879
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Cincinnati, walnut hills
    Age
    27
    Posts
    2,165
    Rep Power
    15

    Default Death's Road

    My route doesn't have traffic lights or street signs
    I struggle to move where patience's a speed crime//
    For my whole life i've driven the wrong path
    Its hard to solve problems when u know the wrong math//
    My wind shield's blurred with tears, nobody really cares
    I'm so vunerable, marble floors make my tires tear//
    My headlights are out, its hard to see ahead
    The rear views are slanted out, still they show me instead//
    As i'm trying to switch lanes, they reflect my reality
    Face to face with mufflers sucking everything out of me//
    I floor it, in attempt to isolate from the pain
    But cops give me tickets that say "nothing will ever change"//
    I pullover, wet my steering wheel with a weekly fluid
    Bursting from my eyes, i never minded whoever knew it//
    Then i get liquid hope called gas, from a friend who
    Gives me my only motivation to continue//
    Back into drive, through a cold land i've never been in
    But been lost in for months with windows all tinted//
    So no one's seen the sickness, behind suicide doors
    My paints peeling,you can see depression in my pores//
    I've got a few miles left before my engine blows
    But everyone knows what happens when u walk Death's road//
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  10. #880
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Cincinnati, walnut hills
    Age
    27
    Posts
    2,165
    Rep Power
    15

    Default The pain of changing the pain of change

    The wrong side of the street
    My seventeen year state
    Now eighteen and some months
    Its the bottom of a lake

    Rarely rising to the surface
    Because i can only swim
    When i'm not feeling worthless
    And friends call me in

    From my isolation
    A cold and dying island
    I'm a psychiatric patient
    With mind and soul collide'in

    Social situations are
    like webs in thick fog
    There's no hope for me if
    Depression takes lift off

    Somewhere deep inside
    there's a guy i'd like to see
    In mazes of darkness
    He's the only light to be

    This guy, he's real lonely
    Fresh out years of denying
    that no friends wasn't normal
    His reality wasn't lying

    Denial was the flashing lights
    Prolonging a train
    From hitting him just until
    He wanted to change

    Of course for the better
    But its brung out the worst
    A mental condition like
    The most lifeless place on earth
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  11. #881
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Cincinnati, walnut hills
    Age
    27
    Posts
    2,165
    Rep Power
    15

    Default The namless in need

    The coroding brick in
    A corner of a basement
    A small cloud caught
    in a storm
    -
    A medalist without
    status or placement
    The aftermath of
    the dreaded norm
    _____________________
    One of the only Willows
    Who can't figure how
    to weep
    -
    I didn't listen
    because my ears were
    Death to what
    Made me speak
    ________________
    I'm stared at, but
    Unseen and ignored
    like faint reflections
    -
    Will Kings and queens
    care to dacne, and
    shake the hands of peasants?
    _________________
    A nestless Hawk
    Homeless and lost
    And one Oak tree
    -
    I can't help you more
    Than you could ever
    help me
    _________________
    Skydiving over a sea
    Stormy weather
    No parachutte
    to be found
    -
    Violent winds,
    please let me
    Hang around sometime
    before i drown...
    _________________
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  12. #882
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Cincinnati, walnut hills
    Age
    27
    Posts
    2,165
    Rep Power
    15

    Default What i couldn't see, What i can't see

    In my past
    I isolated
    Because everything
    hurt me
    -
    Misguided, i was
    Running from pain
    Now pain, show
    some mercy.
    _______________
    A lake said
    to its leaking stream
    "What would you
    do with out me?".
    -
    It said "My friend,
    my only friend,
    your very wise
    to doubt me".
    ______________
    Who loves the lifeless
    When i can't feel
    Would you want me still?
    -
    When walls turn old
    will you help me
    Scrape then paint the peeled?
    ______________
    Bat in the cave
    Snake in the vines
    Nameless creatures
    under stones
    -
    Can i learn from you
    about a different
    world where I
    can't find a home?
    ______________
    The sun burnt out,
    the waters dried,
    the lands began to
    crumble
    -
    Zero's the worth
    of, being the king
    of your own lonely
    Jungle.
    ______________
    Goggles, gloves,
    Bulletproofs, and
    life jacket suits
    -
    No man made
    object can shield
    or save me from the
    truth.
    ______________
    ______________
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  13. #883

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Bigot Hitman View Post
    I wish i had something to give
    that in return, would give back the feeling
    of having something to lose...
    I'm so guilty man there's nothing to prove
    As my thoughts pass by,
    My childhood windows, i break up and ask why
    I feel like the sixth piece
    of a five piece puzzle, so left out and unneeded
    I'm too many years deep in trouble
    Cuz socially i was a space shuttle
    Isolated in my own world
    WHich has become my own hell
    I'm burning inside, but look at my face...you can't tell
    My mom's is like ooh well, when he gets back in school
    this will go away,
    Little does she know i can feel colder days
    I've been rained on everyday for months now
    And i have to fight a thousand yards
    Just for a touchdown
    On to my happy side
    Which isn't near what it use to be
    I can't hold conversations, depression's confusing me
    Its like everyday its the same challenge
    And i have to see or talk to certain people
    Just to maintain balance
    As I'm steps away from pain, miles away from joy
    I wake up hoping i can smile today....
    Maybe the sunshine will cause my clouds to break
    Then i can be me...
    I swear that's all i want to see
    Is it too much to ask, too much to pray for?
    Am i drinking from the glass of change
    Too much, too fast?
    I'm fighting a two-front battle as i try to make friends
    Struggling through depression's war grounds
    It makes my mind state spin
    Sometimes it seems insurmountable but still
    I continue to climb to stable land to expand and build
    On a person, who never did the right things
    With the people in which to now his whole life clings
    Reminds me of my life sort of, man you get so descriptive it's like living a day in the life reading your lines. man this fucking deep man, pure emotion from the heart.
    Last edited by Mantra; 08-15-2008 at 10:11 AM.



    My evidence, my own testament, written on wood
    Twelve tribes layin at the head of corners in hoods
    Hell razah

  14. #884

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Bigot Hitman View Post
    I'm all alone in my hole because its like
    my helping hands don't understand
    when and how to reach
    Or maybe since i'm lost, they don't want to seek...
    In conversations i wonder who's gonna speak
    My depressed layer,
    Or part of the real me oppressed underneath...
    I never thought i'd form a mental illness
    Now i can see why people
    Turn suicidal when they feel this.....
    I talked to a doctor for two and half hours
    Ad he still doesn't know
    the depth of the hole
    That restrains my soul
    That maintains control, even when i feel free
    Somedays i wouldn't mind if you'd just kill me....
    About back in april, i was cut out my fable
    Which was having no friends while being socially stable....
    Living that lie formed pain i can't contain now
    I was content all alone since 8th grade and can't explain how....
    So i'm stuck with the same social skills from three years ago
    Plus with these clouds,
    It doesn't take much rain for the tears to flow...
    Damn, i never thought i'd be praying to feel good
    to feel joy, to feel wanted and just to be understood....
    I hear so many dangers hiding in the bushes
    along this steep drop i pull to stay atop
    while everything pushes....
    is this for rel with the mental illness and all. if so hold your head man!



    My evidence, my own testament, written on wood
    Twelve tribes layin at the head of corners in hoods
    Hell razah

  15. #885
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Cincinnati, walnut hills
    Age
    27
    Posts
    2,165
    Rep Power
    15

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by J.T.S. View Post
    is this for rel with the mental illness and all. if so hold your head man!
    Yeah its is a real mental illness, Its called Atypical Depression, its a form of Severe Depression, i got diagnosed back in late June. But i had been suffering from it since late may, you can tell by going back a couple of pages and seeing when i've started writing about feelings and life, just my sad reality, all this writing i've been doing for the past 3 months spawned and is fuled by it. thanks for the feedback.
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •