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Thread: Bigot Hitman's Book

  1. #886
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
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    Default No pressure

    I opened doors
    Chased my fears
    And got used to shedding tears

    I quit in my worst
    and tryed in my best
    Half dead i know i'm nothing like the rest

    All i wants a
    Helping hand or
    A sturdy shoulder to withstand

    The weight of me
    The pain of me
    I can't tell if that's plain to see

    I'll be your slave
    If your mines too
    In this darkness i'll find you

    I haven't hate
    All i have is love
    But i can't show you through a hug

    Relace your shoes
    Spit shine your teeth
    Take all the time that you need

    Please don't push me
    back down your steps
    Your rejection'd be my death

    I'm learning to shoot
    as i'm attacked
    There's no one here to watch my back

    But if i fall
    Don't blame yourself
    Its wasn't your job to come and help

    A lonely childhood of
    All regrets
    The people i ignored i won't forget

    With pure respect
    a true apology
    Your absence deeply bothers me

    And to a friend
    One last thought
    Please don't fear me because i'm lost

    Someday soon
    I might regain control
    Of my mind, body, and soul
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  2. #887
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
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    Default Realization of depths

    I'm done with saying i'll never do "it"
    Because adjacent to loosing one person
    I know i'll be so close to "it"

    What it is, its ending my life
    Its risking hell,
    Its facing he, who has me
    Thinking in tears deep into the night

    As a child, i could only do what i felt
    was most comfortable in a
    enviornment that didn't want me...
    That misguided sick teen didn't
    and couldn't have prevented
    what now haunts me....

    Me and you, nothing alike
    I'm so sorry for trying to mix
    water with oil...
    Just please don't
    Dissapear into the air
    when i'm forced to boil...

    I guess i'll pack up for a long ride
    I've lost my feelings and i can't move
    My reality was hiding from my eyes
    Now that its found, its shown i'm doomed

    I've been alone for too much time
    The past churns these waves inside of me
    Everyday i see myself drown and die
    It seems now my hope has to lie to be
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  3. #888
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
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    Default Winter Windchills

    Its made everything i loved
    things not to look foward to
    While turning my family against me
    Challenging my fortitude

    I'm worthless,
    Like sand on a beach for purchase
    Selling water to flooded rivers
    I will not find a purpose

    My joy's a fantasy
    I daydream of feeling it again
    As reality breaks in
    And depression's stealing it again

    Just throw me in your trash can
    Spit on me with your coldest face
    Run me off your road side and
    I'm at home in that familar place

    I don't deserve the sunshine
    Belonging only in the darkest space
    I've stumbled my whole run-time
    Why'd I have to start this race?

    This is not a dog fight
    I cannot battle this to my death
    I'll give up well before old age
    Decides i'm primed for last breaths

    When i'm free from myself
    On paroll from my doorless cage
    At least for that one day
    Would you thrust an axe into my pain?

    I know now i'm never in control
    But i can and will respond to you
    While screeching screams haunt my soul
    Drowning out all harmonic tunes

    I'm bleeding red in windchill blues
    Last edited by Bigot Hitman; 08-19-2008 at 08:39 PM.
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  4. #889
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
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    Default Far away from home

    For me to be, i have to cry
    Sadness and anger's all depression hasn't claimed
    So just to make me feel alive
    These eyes drip pain, expressing in vein

    Guilt, yeah he's a close comrad
    He always says I'm responsible
    for eveything that has gone bad

    I'm sorry mom, my feet were too small for my shoes
    So i tripped, stumbled, and fell
    through all of my youth

    I couldn't see where to walk untill
    Eighteen years of age
    I found,
    I was playing with blades
    but didn't feel the pain till' now

    And the only relief i have is people
    A select few who never knew
    they pull me from the reach of evil

    I can't start to value what they mean to me
    They're maybe like
    The only rays of light in the darkest scenery

    But sometimes....even they can't make me
    feel joy
    As my mind becomes death to the call of my boy

    THis boy, he's just me, everything i could be
    If i had one wish,
    When i opened my eyes he's everything i would see

    And it hurts, not to think or even talk like him
    As depression reigns in my head
    This kid inside...i label dead

    I won't fight him ever again
    I swear if nothing else
    When he's back for good
    There'll only be a fear, not to be myself
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  5. #890
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
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    Default Kill this, Kill it, Kill me

    He whispers in my ears
    find a knife and end this life
    There's nothing for you here
    No one can ever save you from me
    As i fear,
    Suicide will find me in the night
    in tears,
    How could ending all this pain not be right?
    Just try,
    I know i'll fall if you put me down
    With eyes,
    Of rejection...
    Its all of what my death would be now
    Lets die,
    A small part of you, and all of me
    Hang me from the tallest tree
    End all the endless agony
    Just act,
    Like it really had to be
    I'll forgive,
    WHo ever gets mad at me
    Death is,
    All my eyes have to see
    Take my life,
    Don't worry, you can have it free
    But believe,
    That this was not the tradgedy...of me
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  6. #891
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
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    Default That lost boy

    Another stone, fails to skip the pond
    And by the dawn, last night's tears are gone
    Off steep banks, the river's too low to reach
    Keep away, from secrets too cold to speak
    There's the boy, who's self is undiscovered
    His early years, now forced him undercover
    Someone saw, and let him out of his cage
    The last thing, protecting him from pain
    Seventeen, reality has got to change
    In this ring, nothing feels the same
    Loneliness's effects can now be felt
    Without the support of denial's shelf
    He didn't connect with people quick enough
    So diamonds, turned to coal in the ruff
    His mom says, hospital or the streets
    If his tone, doesn't seem to fit her beat
    She doesn't know, like everyone else
    He's got problems, that no one can help
    They're part of him so they will never leave
    If they could, the salts could freeze the seas
    He turns his head, to a blessing in disguise
    Its a friend, but with fear flooded eyes
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  7. #892
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
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    Default "What i'm from, which has and which was"

    I'm from leather belts, and wooden paddles
    A screwface with sliding tears

    Anxiety, confusion, and withdrawal
    face to face with social fears
    ---------
    I'm from a childhood of long walks
    down the wrong paths

    Which has lead me to a mental illness
    my mom hates to know i have
    ---------
    I'm from too many years of
    deep denial and isolation

    Now I'm in daily melancholy with
    the realization of my creations
    ---------
    I'm from staring at grown men
    wondering if they're my father

    Me, to my unasked questions was
    like a cannon to its fodder
    ---------
    I'm from being shaped as if
    I were never meant to fit in

    And problems i can't figure out
    with a mathematician's pen
    ---------
    I'm from swimming in the air
    and flying through the waters

    Quickly alienating my own self
    from common birds and otters
    ---------
    I'm from drowning in those lakes
    and falling from those skies

    Its like me living...was really
    just me dying in disguise
    ---------
    I'm from a boy who never knew
    the mistakes he made

    Would form a hopeless teen
    shedding liquid pain as he prays
    ---------
    I'm from gaps I couldn't feel or
    fill between loneliness and happiness

    Making me so desperate today
    I'd shake the hand you smacked me with
    ---------
    Which isn't from being a real loner
    and not from just being shy

    But from, my true self being
    incarcerated by design
    ---------
    I'm from not recognizing, and then
    rejecting a friend's call

    Sitting in corners of rooms watching
    but never seeing what i saw
    ---------
    Which came from trying to survive
    with misguided sight

    Now "what's left"? I was blind sided
    by what I thought to be "right"
    ---------
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  8. #893
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
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    Default The independent Variable

    My smiles assure me that my mind is sick
    As tears show off my highest liveliness
    And excitement's just some thing of the past
    Now anxiety burns that emotion to ash
    Anyday, rejection could pour the hardest rains
    I'm too scared to tell who, from which it came
    My humor and joy, can only come out when
    I find a friend on top of a mountain
    Its never easy to try, but its easy to fail
    For me it easy to cry, but not easy to tell
    There's only one i've found, to ease the pain
    We relate because i'm truly ill, and he's the same
    But what if i loose, this only glow in my darkness
    I'll be here alone again, back where I started
    Square one, with my mind stuck on rewind
    Not caring about the train coming up from behind
    Wondering worths, striking the coroding hopes
    In the lakes of mistakes, will my head forever soak?
    No I'm far from free, I can rarely find myself
    And i can't feel the day, that i won't need some help
    I won't take the way, this life has taught me
    I'll just fade away,
    From my reflections in razor blades, softly
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  9. #894
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
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    Default The lost forest fire

    The cracking branch
    The splitting rope
    The blackening woods cannot withstand
    Creeks in droughts,
    Fish on land,
    The smoking cabin with a sleeping man
    -
    Who could save
    What seems to be
    Destined to die in waving flames?
    Few have tryed
    And all have failed
    His sick reality remains the same
    -
    He dreams of joy
    Behind a door
    with locks without any keyholes
    Will god send rain
    to calm the fires
    In the form of nameless people?
    -
    He's all alone
    And still he sees
    those smiles, and space between
    His stagnant life
    and normality
    He won't join that broken seam
    -

    As of now
    He's burning
    His mind is dying
    And as of now
    its concerning
    no one....trying
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  10. #895
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
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    Default The Unatural

    The greens are black
    brown and gray
    Beds are dry
    As rivers strayed
    Roots reach up to the sky
    Its not meant to be this way
    -
    Rocks will float
    And shadows blind
    In too much darkness for my shine
    Boats settle to sea floors
    I can't choose hell over time
    -
    Frosted skins
    Frozen blood
    Who ever knew what i was?
    Invisible while i'm watched
    Because it does what it does
    -
    Now i'm unseen
    I've always been
    Under siege deep within
    Freedom's free but hard to pin
    down to my soul in violent winds
    -
    What to do
    Where to go
    All my air's becoming smoke
    As i fade away from those
    Who i've naturally chose
    -
    Alone, I"m home
    Its the state
    of mind from which i raised
    Now as sky blues turn to haze
    I feel the urgency of change
    -
    And in this land
    Of liquid streets
    All have failed to swim with me
    As i drown, most will say
    that here, i could never be
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  11. #896
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
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    Default Wax paper

    A sheet of wax paper
    always kept me lost
    As i couldn't quite tell what my eyes did see
    A switch turned that confusion off
    But as i find my feet its light still shines on me.....

    And this light is my reality
    And this light has changed me
    Locked inside a world of keys
    Nothing seems to fit my sleeve....

    Mirrors smiled when i thought i knew myself
    When all my loves could catch my eyes
    Now their the same as feelings felt
    Numb like everything and nothing else

    They never fell from grace
    But they can't fill my empty space
    Caught in between pain and pain
    Darkness blinds in the frozen rains

    The closest to me can't see
    As i,
    That what I need is so far from reach
    If eyes could be taught, who would teach
    I'd listen to who's never had control
    Before the one who's always held the leash

    As I'm enduring this curse called life
    Right was wrong when wrong was right
    Out right left out,
    I'm left out, right, of what's left
    All that's left, is what's right
    And what's right has left, right from sight
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  12. #897
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
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    Default Disconnected

    I place a hand on a red brick wall
    to feel the heat of the past day
    ALone in the night's shadow
    Wondering where's my last way
    -
    Inside i'm losing a nameless battle
    In crippiling pain my head meets ground
    The constant loneliness punishes
    everytime there's no one around
    -
    Surounded by the incompatible
    sulking in their joy
    Which is what i want, but can't stand to see
    It reminds me, of mine destroyed
    -
    Staring through a keyhole
    of a door to the common world
    playing chess all by myself
    searching a white desert for pearls
    -
    Another hope's another reason to cry
    What else should I try?
    The river's dry, and the sun won't shine
    Am i only alive to die?
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  13. #898
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
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    Default In my last nights

    The sun's light shades me
    It drops my eyes to the ground
    And there my mind starts
    to sharpen the point of no return

    The coldness burns
    As the warmth of hope brings me to life
    Of no concern
    To anyone who sees the sight

    And the day moves closer
    I can feel its heat, deep in the night
    I'm almost over
    The last standing thoughts begin to fight

    The thoughts of freedom
    I've failed to feel or heal this right
    Now the leaves fall
    And the moving waters turn to ice

    I've heard enough sounds
    So i place my ears between a vice
    I'm giving up now
    As I cut loose a flightless kite

    This time i won't think twice
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  14. #899
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
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    Default How long?

    Whatever's left
    When will unknowns salavge it
    When will freedom become free
    again

    I've seen my life
    As pain that i could end
    As time that i could spend
    in sin

    Jewels in my eyes
    Turned gray and failed to shine
    When swirls will become lines
    depends

    On who knows what
    What knows who here can lend
    A tight gripping helping hand
    defense

    From endless none
    The non ending loneliness
    If my loss could only wish
    to win

    To win me back
    Rescued from foreign land
    Where i just cannot blend
    in trends

    I don't belong
    Outcast of thee outcasts
    Unseen as these clouds pass
    in wind

    I'm never here
    I've long dissappeared
    This can't compare to whats
    within
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  15. #900
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    Default

    ...and so is the depression, deep...but trues, that is what we're to build in...
    $%#&!

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