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Thread: Value?

  1. #1

    Default Value?

    yeah...took advice from noel, so i tried strong lines on this, its a bit long, but i hope you enjoy it

    Every thing is valuable…Unless it is broken
    Like the heart of a man…After weapons destroyed it
    The flesh after a snake comes out and starts biting
    Or a piece of the soul...Something that is dearer than items
    So I met this girl…thought she was classy and all
    I loved her being ‘n didn’t ask for any more
    Thought I was fly…So she recommended we meet
    I was stricken by joy, my heart dropped to my feet
    I couldn’t believe that I found a girl with promise
    The tepid feeling, my being just wanted to vomit
    All in a quick blink…she was gone and had left
    Felt like speed was pumpin’ blood in my chest
    Fast forward…two days later, my phones ringing
    Picked it up with a mixed brain but can’t even
    Hold the phone without it slipping out of my palms
    My friends shout “man you’re a pussy, c’mon”
    Can’t do it, miss the call…And feel shitty
    Though it wasn’t an opportunity to get any
    I just didn’t pick it up because my brain melted
    My heart was ragin’…felt like a caged felon
    Spent my day dwellin’…till I had enough
    So I called her back, she even picked up
    She was so soft, you could hear the love in her voice
    I grew calm by the minute, then stood up in rejoice
    We were to meet by the park, it was already set
    Until early morning…I barely slept in my bed
    I coaxed myself in to sleep…didn’t wake up till night
    At seven thirty we was meetin’, So I jumped with delight
    Bought some roses from a vendor, I thought I could win her
    Got there by eight, looked like she hadn’t entered-
    The gate I was at, so I started sweating big
    Tried my very best to keep my mind from checking in
    “Could she have left?”…”Did I sound really desperate?”
    Her speech was genuine…I thought she really meant it
    Two hours I’m stuck there, feelin’ cheated again
    “This bitch could have said she just wanted a friend”
    But no…I was feeling enraged so much I called her
    Told her on a message she was worthless and not wanted
    Got so fed up…That I went back to my house
    Her trap…had me latched like a mouse
    So I turned on my set…to drown out my brain
    Heard on the news that a car crashed with a train
    They said that the body was laid out on the curb
    They even identified it…I found it was, her…
    I didn’t even value her being when dead, I felt like a jerk…
    Were my feelings misleading?
    Seeing her layed out on the curb…
    I couldn’t feel pleasure, I took for granted my feelings
    Felt fucked up…like my whole life was receding
    But then had a smirk…Though I was feeling drugged
    I took life for granted…even though I was feeling love…

  2. #2
    The ABBOTT noel411's Avatar
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    Not bad lil' homie. I like that you took my advice and used it naturally, which is the most important thing. When I saw what you said before I read the verse I feared you might have penned something with a certain aim that wasn't entirely natural to you. But yeah, this was cool. You didn't try to push it too hard. Just used clear, coherent lines. Well worded. Smooth read. Pretty interesting. Decent story. Imagery was maybe lacking a little. You could work on that. But it's all a learning process. I'm glad to see you penning something like this and putting aside rhyme schemes and all that for a moment. It'll help you build. Eventually you'll find a balance that is right and natural to you, and that's when you can look at your writing and be entirely satisfied with it. I'm still not there either, but I'm working on it.

    But yeah, all in all a nice verse. I liked the first part the most. Good to see.


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  3. #3
    Malcolm Maximillion The Ghost's Avatar
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    This was a nice story man some real heartbreaking poetic stuff right there fam

  4. #4
    a.k.a. iKon DREW-DIE$EL's Avatar
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    vernie, that was deep. that ending was spine tingling like everytime i hear immortal technique's "dance will the devil" im impressed.

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  6. #6

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    Fuckin' skillz, nasty!



    My evidence, my own testament, written on wood
    Twelve tribes layin at the head of corners in hoods
    Hell razah

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    keep blessin, 1

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