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Thread: The Great Dane

  1. #1
    Banned Dokuro's Avatar
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    Default The Great Dane

    this is my first and probably only atemt at rapping
    so critizis it



    I grew up poor with out a dime or more
    So I thought of a way for my self to score
    I realized your brothers are not going to survive
    When all they want to do is get high
    So I came up with a plan that would allow me to thrive
    I was sixteen when I grew my first tree
    And ohh was me the money became easy
    I grew another, another, and another
    I got employees from my sister and my brother
    It wasnít to long till the competition new what I was doing
    I heard some shit but didnít know what they were brewing

    My brother took two shots and I took one
    As he bled right there I knew he was done
    After my recovery I got in contact with this brother
    A crip by the name of kernl kuster
    I bought two D-E, a K, tech and a vest
    Spent a lot of money so I can get the beast
    Me and two others brothers started to spray
    At every one running out holing their face
    Here is the lesions I learned that day
    So listing up carefully ok
    You cant sell any thing with out a gun
    Because you got to protect your income son










    the poll dont seem to be working
    1) stick with singing that why god gave you a voice
    2)keep it up you got skill
    3)just produce all you got is money

  2. #2
    "Come as you are" Bigot Hitman's Avatar
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    Default

    Average piece, nothing lyrical about it, just straight foward semi-story piece. The flow kinda got uneven at sometimes, the imagery wasn't anything special either dun. Basic selection of rhyming words. No line really jumps out at me as sumthin descritptive, lyrical, or just tight wording. 6.8/10
    Last edited by Bigot Hitman; 02-08-2007 at 04:31 PM.
    The dealer of hope is selling me lies
    Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
    This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
    Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
    Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
    For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...=25482&page=61

  3. #3
    Banned Dokuro's Avatar
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    Default

    thanks for you critisizm

  4. #4
    The ABBOTT noel411's Avatar
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    Don't give up if you wanna be a writer. You can't expect to write something dope just like that.

    I agree with what Negroid said basically. If you're gonna write a story you really wanna be more descriptive too. I mean there's hardly anything captivating about this.

    Here's some advice I just gave to some other dude. I feel it is also applicable to you...

    You have a loooooong way to go. Keep at it if you're serious. Check out some other lyrics on here. Listen closely to different types of rhyme schemes, wordplay etc, when you listen to hip hop. This rhyme here is VERY basic. A simple rhyme scheme is cool if you have a strong grammatical form. But you've gotta draw the line somewhere, and rhymes like "flow, glow, mine, shine, wine, line, rhyme, dime" etc, just aren't gonna cut it if you don't at least have strong content, word choice and structure.

    Like I said, keep at it and study lyricism to help build your understanding of it. Try different things as you pick up on them. Over time you'll build a stronger style if you're determined enough.


    THE LORD noel411 HAS A NEW ALBUM OUT!!! Czech it out here...

    http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...80#post2575080

    Suck this drunk alcohol dick.

  5. #5
    Fukkin Vet!!!! Lil' Ruger's Avatar
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    averae but if u serious about it...like everyone else said keep at it...i started out below average and i gradually got better by listening to more rap and reading other ppls lyrics.....basically if you want to see someone who improved EXTREMELY in one year go read my thread all the way through yea its alot but you can compare it and its another way to see someone elses flow...like i check out ppls threads all the time....

    it gives you something to think about like when you hear something tight dont exactly take it but include it in your rhyme scheme you know....?

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  6. #6

    Default

    i like it Dane it's from the heart, and you tell a long story in very few bars.



    My evidence, my own testament, written on wood
    Twelve tribes layin at the head of corners in hoods
    Hell razah

  7. #7
    Banned Dokuro's Avatar
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    ...

  8. #8
    Banned Dokuro's Avatar
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    ...bump...

  9. #9
    Are U aware I ban @ will? MASTER PAI MEI's Avatar
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    I don't believe you wrote this...Not one mispelling.

  10. #10
    Banned Dokuro's Avatar
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    hahahha



    i put it on microsoft word befor here

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