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Thread: Figment in a Broken Dreamscape

  1. #1

    Default Figment in a Broken Dreamscape

    a song i've written for my EP, tell me what you think


    as soul and spirit bind existence
    moon winds... i bloomed from out the chrysalis
    i glide the grimey winds of life
    polluted by past rulers wicked sins and lies
    abandon future, ship of life is sinking
    lept off the edge, vortex of false decisions
    a silent wraith... i navigate the wavelab
    slide across time until my spirit lands on safe land
    enclosed emotions... locked in carapace
    explode from pressure of angered tarantulas
    lost dreams... that never manifested
    but nevertheless, my plan is still directed
    morph dimensions of my exoskeleton
    stretch wings, then shapeshift into a pelican
    fellow spirits soar across the earth
    i take shelter, in physical form, a person

    chorus:
    a lost soul wanders days lone
    future spaceghosts... searching faith and hope
    my spirit dressed in plain clothes
    i'm a normal person... so where the fuck are all the rainbows

    sink to nightmare crimson oceans
    inner mental misled, percieve a mix of omens
    feathered apparitions of death in graveyards
    dark angel ravens... portraits of my insane guards
    sharp beaks... storm the sanities physique
    single defense... hope was shattered underneath
    raging thunderbees, swarm before my mental
    sting my thoughts... and make them leave the temple
    my last resort i flee toward the mountains
    lost in the forest, wild ambitions surrounding
    as lions, tigers, wild cats in the thousands
    i never catch them... too fast athletic pounces
    leave the forest, retreat atop the peak
    then tried to see where fortune falls as leafs
    i'll dig inside my deepest nerves
    to find out what the highest lord above observes

    chorus:
    a lost soul wanders days lone
    future spaceghosts... searching faith and hope
    my spirit dressed in plain clothes
    i'm a normal person... so where the fuck are all the rainbows


    peace

  2. #2
    cza187
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    Default Re: Figment in a Broken Dreamscape

    wierd

  3. #3
    Are U aware I ban @ will? MASTER PAI MEI's Avatar
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    Default Re: Figment in a Broken Dreamscape

    Quote Originally Posted by winte
    a song i've written for my EP, tell me what you think


    as soul and spirit bind existence
    moon winds... i bloomed from out the chrysalis
    I like the way you started
    i glide the grimey winds of life
    polluted by past rulers wicked sins and lies
    abandon future, ship of life is sinking
    lept off the edge, vortex of false decisions
    a silent wraith... i navigate the wavelab
    slide across time until my spirit lands on safe land
    enclosed emotions... locked in carapace
    explode from pressure of angered tarantulas
    lost dreams... that never manifested
    but nevertheless, my plan is still directed
    morph dimensions of my exoskeleton
    stretch wings, then shapeshift into a pelican
    fellow spirits soar across the earth
    i take shelter, in physical form, a person

    chorus:
    a lost soul wanders days lone
    future spaceghosts... searching faith and hope
    my spirit dressed in plain clothes
    i'm a normal person... so where the fuck are all the rainbows

    sink to nightmare crimson oceans
    inner mental misled, percieve a mix of omens
    feathered apparitions of death in graveyards
    dark angel ravens... portraits of my insane guards
    sharp beaks... storm the sanities physique
    single defense... hope was shattered underneath
    raging thunderbees, swarm before my mental
    sting my thoughts... and make them leave the temple
    my last resort i flee toward the mountains
    lost in the forest, wild ambitions surrounding
    as lions, tigers, wild cats in the thousands
    i never catch them... too fast athletic pounces
    leave the forest, retreat atop the peak
    then tried to see where fortune falls as leafs
    i'll dig inside my deepest nerves
    to find out what the highest lord above observes


    chorus:
    a lost soul wanders days lone
    future spaceghosts... searching faith and hope
    my spirit dressed in plain clothes
    i'm a normal person... so where the fuck are all the rainbows
    Nice hook


    peace
    Overall I liked the last verse the flow was on point... throwing despair with imagery and lexicon might

  4. #4
    FRESH FISH
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    Default Re: Figment in a Broken Dreamscape

    liked the whole thing



  5. #5
    ASP's S Shitao's Avatar
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    Default Re: Figment in a Broken Dreamscape

    Fucking dope Winte. Very very nice. I love your style.

  6. #6

    Default Re: Figment in a Broken Dreamscape

    make me write suin like i arch between tha existance on nonexitance coexisiting in an instance with scholastic spastics who monitored tha globe from a wheel chair seeping fru tha matrix like unregistered agents on ungodly missions seeking truth speak in tongues i leave heathens strung and weaken lungs decietful cunts who cower benith tha bible i spit tha recital of a suicidle mind full idol
    decepticon get steped upon.....

    nice work winte.....i only read tha first few lines.....and this is whut it i felt

    ORPHANS OF CUSH

    OUT SOON

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    Neb-maat Ra
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    Default Re: Figment in a Broken Dreamscape

    The first verse kills it - poetic plus fluent flow
    decent hook
    nice second verse but I think the first one is more precise

    overall: certainly one of the best texts I've ever read in here, no doubt

    can I listen to some of your songs in the net? if yes, just post the link
    Look at my nephew, he jumped at the window just to see you (The Sun - Ghostface, Rza, Raekwon and Slick Rick)

    http://www.myspace.com/racailla

  8. #8
    Veteran Member PsYkOsUs's Avatar
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    Default Re: Figment in a Broken Dreamscape

    you've got potential... i really like the first verse, though i thought it was rough around the edges, but more practice will smoothen it out... i'm not a big fan of text hooks, 'cause they're incredibly difficult to write impressively, but yours was decent... the second verse disappointed me after readin' the first... it just didn't speak the same volume... but i did like the piece as a whole...


    PEACE

    PSY

    Those who have something to fall back on, always do.

  9. #9
    Veteran Member PsYkOsUs's Avatar
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    Default Re: Figment in a Broken Dreamscape

    PS. great title, but Figment OF a broken dreamscape is the better way to display it... figment in somethin' doesn't make sense, a figment of somethin' is the correct way to word it... if it wasn't for your creative title, i would've overlooked it...

    PEACE

    PSY

    Those who have something to fall back on, always do.

  10. #10
    Taoist Saint GuardianOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Figment in a Broken Dreamscape

    It had its poetic presence, the first and second verse. the second drifted from how the first started. It seemed to progress not in content but in discribed explanations. And the verse has its own standard-searching kind of. Nice verse/s

    Peace
    PS: Keep posting

  11. #11

    Default Re: Figment in a Broken Dreamscape

    Quote Originally Posted by Racailla
    The first verse kills it - poetic plus fluent flow
    decent hook
    nice second verse but I think the first one is more precise

    overall: certainly one of the best texts I've ever read in here, no doubt

    can I listen to some of your songs in the net? if yes, just post the link
    thanks. there is a link in my sig for some of my audio, although the best are on the EP which i'll put up when it's finished

    thanks psykosus, i see what you mean about the title. figment of a broken dreamscape actually does sound a bit better

    peace

  12. #12
    WC LEGEND Ronin's Avatar
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    Default Re: Figment in a Broken Dreamscape

    nice shit, would sound ok on audio...sometimes recording verses dont come across as explosive as a written without purpose that flows impossibly

    good emotion and imagery dude

    stay up

  13. #13
    the illuminated orator
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    Default Re: Figment in a Broken Dreamscape

    ...i liked this piece a whole lot after reading the first verse and the chorus... the second verse, i felt was pretty much majorly sub par to the first... i really like the first six lines of the second verse but after that it fell off... i say rewrite that last part and it will be much better... shit if you do that, touch up the whole thing it will only make the piece deeper and better... i like that hook though... when i get some speakers on the folks cpu i'll peep your audio and thi sbetter be on there... keep writing my man... peace...

  14. #14

  15. #15
    ASP's S Shitao's Avatar
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    Default Re: Figment in a Broken Dreamscape

    The track begins with an Aragon (a french writer) quote:

    "Il fait beau mon amour; dans les rêves, les mots,et la mort. Il fait beau mon amour. Il fait beau, dans la vie."

    And the last words of this track are Rimbaud (french poet of the XIX) words:

    "Elle est retrouvée. Quoi? L'eternité. C'est la mer allée avec le soleil"

    translation>>>> "It's found again. What? Eternity. It's the sea gone off with the sun".


    PEACE

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