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Thread: Asylum Unique

  1. #1

    Default Asylum Unique

    This is a dart I wrote couple of months back...feedback welcome

    Cold winter night,icicles sharp as knives/
    Snow fell like ash from post-apocalyptic skies/
    The goal is like Mona Lisa to the blind eye/
    A kid with nothing to gain,everything to fear/
    They whisper in his ear,he tries not to hear/
    He missed a bus-stop,now he's here/
    Nightmares stalked his mind while he was awake/
    He walks frozen into the night,like it was his grave/
    He walks on the road the fallen angels paved/
    His steps are empty,the demons are tempting/
    His guardian angel turns to a reaper/
    He saw a cigarette in the snow and decided to keep her/
    The snow just became stronger and the pain deeper/
    He doesnt know where he is,and there are no directions/
    Every road is a dead-end,every sword is dull/
    Dark like a broken lightbulb/
    He lost feeling in his thumbs,his lungs went numb/
    Decayed and dead,his tongue was a bubble-gum/
    His eardrum was done,he couldnt hear sound/
    When his eyes started spinnin,he knew the Earth was round/
    He tought he saw the sun rising,it was just a gunshot/
    What did life get that death has never got/
    So he lied down on the snow,closed his eyes/
    Hoping he will go to the apocalyptic skies/
    A minute has passed...he dies/

  2. #2
    SiferBorn BornPower's Avatar
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    Default

    not bad, but if you're gonna limit yourself to a specific rhyme scheme then don't be scared to stretch the darts out or it will get predictable. Also, differing points of view or describing thing a little differently will keep it from soundin so repetitive (or maybe it was intentional. idk)
    weep for lost babylon,
    the bleeding god, the forgotten sheep slaughtered in a forest of evil fog
    bordered by a sea of faults,
    fleeing mobs turn to see the holocaust and become kings and queens of salt
    screaming shots, police and chalk,
    wingless fallen demons walking among us as people...

    -.5Kut

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