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Thread: work in progress, 3rd verse

  1. #1
    its MF, MFers jallainINS's Avatar
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    Default work in progress, 3rd verse

    this is my third attempt at writing a verse, i dont think its quite done but here it is lemme know what ya think.

    Ha ha ha ha
    I laugh at your feeble attempts to crack back
    After I blast, and leave you in a body cast
    Its half past noon and the flags at half staff
    Cuz I attacked, clasped to your calf just like an asp
    Enjoy your last rap, 'fore I crash in and smash
    I'll mash and bash your ass we got a blood bath
    So don't splash, its the Clash of the Titans
    Class is in session I'm here to enlighten
    Ya nape'll ache, ya can't escape your fate
    An earthquake I create just to shake ya state
    Don't wait to wake or you'll be late for your date
    These fakes bake a cake that I already ate
    Ya first mate Jake takes the bait and forsakes
    My tapes rape ya ears, assassinate like Robert Blake
    Make or break, rake ya face, puncture hearts like a stake
    Blood falls like snowflakes, forms the shape of a lake
    Ya can't rate my hate, come wit weight of an ape
    I dominate and wear a cape, vacate the gate
    Skills to compensate and heat a song like a steak
    More elite than the great eight, I don't procrastinate


    any suggestions or criticism?
    through songs i write, my wrongs i right
    if you wanna fight the power, get the power to fight


  2. #2
    its MF, MFers jallainINS's Avatar
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    Default Re: work in progress, 3rd verse

    cmon anything. tell me it sucks or somethin. do you guys not like me or somethin cuz i dont really get any response from my rhymes.
    through songs i write, my wrongs i right
    if you wanna fight the power, get the power to fight


  3. #3
    Veteran Member Luther Large's Avatar
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    Default Re: work in progress, 3rd verse

    tell me what beat you wrote it to.....if not i'll still comment

  4. #4
    its MF, MFers jallainINS's Avatar
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    Default Re: work in progress, 3rd verse

    for some reason everytime i end up writin a verse its at like 3 or 4 in the mornin when i cant sleep so i never really do it to a beat. i think i might start doin it to wustrumentals if i can put together a cd of them.
    through songs i write, my wrongs i right
    if you wanna fight the power, get the power to fight


  5. #5
    Veteran Member Luther Large's Avatar
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    Default Re: work in progress, 3rd verse

    arite that's okay...there is nothing that really stands out...theres potential.......the ryhming is okay but use better vocabulary.....you could develop your own slang that wouldnt hurt either as long asit makes sense...this 1 is kinda boring you could do better as well every1 can do better.....heres another thot....when trying to deliver a line that you think is good it is always how you spit that line plus how you lead up to it

    but what you need most is expanded vocabulary.....and i know you could do it becuz it aint like you 12 years old

  6. #6
    its MF, MFers jallainINS's Avatar
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    Default Re: work in progress, 3rd verse

    yeah believe me i have vocab, i just never seem to use it when im rappin i dno why. i think i need to take more time when im writin, cuz the three verses that i have written all took me like an hour and i just did them in one sitting. i need to think about it more and put more effort in. thanks for the feedback man.
    through songs i write, my wrongs i right
    if you wanna fight the power, get the power to fight


  7. #7
    Veteran Member Luther Large's Avatar
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    Default Re: work in progress, 3rd verse

    no doubt just keep'em comin with improvement every step of the way....this verse aint bad

    but if you wanna stand out u gotta come original....with your own raw unheard of style

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