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Old 06-03-2008, 10:10 AM   #1
Ritter
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This is a dart I wrote couple of months back...feedback welcome

Cold winter night,icicles sharp as knives/
Snow fell like ash from post-apocalyptic skies/
The goal is like Mona Lisa to the blind eye/
A kid with nothing to gain,everything to fear/
They whisper in his ear,he tries not to hear/
He missed a bus-stop,now he's here/
Nightmares stalked his mind while he was awake/
He walks frozen into the night,like it was his grave/
He walks on the road the fallen angels paved/
His steps are empty,the demons are tempting/
His guardian angel turns to a reaper/
He saw a cigarette in the snow and decided to keep her/
The snow just became stronger and the pain deeper/
He doesnt know where he is,and there are no directions/
Every road is a dead-end,every sword is dull/
Dark like a broken lightbulb/
He lost feeling in his thumbs,his lungs went numb/
Decayed and dead,his tongue was a bubble-gum/
His eardrum was done,he couldnt hear sound/
When his eyes started spinnin,he knew the Earth was round/
He tought he saw the sun rising,it was just a gunshot/
What did life get that death has never got/
So he lied down on the snow,closed his eyes/
Hoping he will go to the apocalyptic skies/
A minute has passed...he dies/
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Old 06-03-2008, 02:00 PM   #2
BornPower
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not bad, but if you're gonna limit yourself to a specific rhyme scheme then don't be scared to stretch the darts out or it will get predictable. Also, differing points of view or describing thing a little differently will keep it from soundin so repetitive (or maybe it was intentional. idk)
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weep for lost babylon,
the bleeding god, the forgotten sheep slaughtered in a forest of evil fog
bordered by a sea of faults,
fleeing mobs turn to see the holocaust and become kings and queens of salt
screaming shots, police and chalk,
wingless fallen demons walking among us as people...

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