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Old 08-26-2005, 04:41 PM   #1
TONE TORCH
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Default A Verse I Want Feedback On

I'm Scribin Scripts And Verse's Like A Lyrical Moses/

Fictitious Thugs Smile And Style In Ridiclous Poses/

My Mental Stasis Paces With My Ticker Then The Light I Flicker/on The Blil/

To Excel My Thoughts/ Now I'm Racing Like I Just Bought A Porsche/911/

My Mind You'll Find A Weapon Sharper Than Any Blade/stronger Than Any 50 Cal Or Gauge/

I'm Stuck In My Ways Like A Old Soul With Thought Like I Read A Killers Agenda/ And I Can'T STAND Fakers Frauds And Pretenders/

I Was Raised A Paper Soilder Rise To Hustle Early In The Morning Like Folgers/

Addidicted To The Game Like A Fiend Addidicted To Rush Of Heroin In His Vein/

Just Some Random Thought Feedback Please
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Old 08-26-2005, 11:27 PM   #2
6what131
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Default Re: A Verse I Want Feedback On

yo, i felt it but it was mad shot though
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Old 08-27-2005, 02:56 AM   #3
noel411
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Default Re: A Verse I Want Feedback On

I'd have to say I wasn't feeling it. Try to focus more and put together something that sounds and flows like one continuous piece. There were some decent lines in there, but they just seemed like seperate random thoughts. Even the way you typed it up gave it such an appearance. Keep at it though. It shows potential.
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Old 08-28-2005, 08:26 AM   #4
GuardianOne
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Default Re: A Verse I Want Feedback On

I suppose you where busting!
But you need to work on improving your lyrical content.

Peace
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Old 08-28-2005, 12:30 PM   #5
BRASSKNUCKLED PAI MEI
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Default Re: A Verse I Want Feedback On

its a start you can definately write a few more drafts.... your thoughts are erratic in this piece...PEaCE
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