|01-28-2007, 01:26 PM||#1|
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 42Rep Power: 0
This is a story, about a few boys and girls ..
.. each grew up a sad life inside a sadder world
Born in a broken family, dad was a lord with felonies
Mother was a whore that was always selling weed
School was hard on him, kids loved scaring him
"Look at Zack, you would never see him with them"
At nine, cocain came into his life, its how he'd survive
A young age wasted on the addictions we deprive
Later on through life, his heart skipped a beat ..
That beat was never found; so Zach I have 3 words ..
.. rest in peace
Travis was a friend of mine, it was his birthday; his 21st
Going from a couple of drinks to something much worse
Him and Kenny were drunk that night; haveing some fun
When Kenny decided to whip out his most favorite gun
Like I said, it was Travis' birthday; his fucking 21st
Kenny just sat there thinking you to *Fake* shoot first
"Hey Kenny don't aim that shit at me dude, its not safe*
*Come one Traivis man, fucking learn to be brave*
And sure enough, Travis was shot in the head
And I will never see his smile, rest in peace my friend.
A woman of natural problems, pregnent at 12
The father was a drunk janitor; the devil of her hell
Her mother couldnt afford any type of adopion
And being Christians, abortion wasnt an option
Her mother made her leave the house, one bag of clothes
At 13 she joined all of the other women known as hoes
She spent 10 years, living that horrible life style
Death was the final chapter of her sad denile.
My ex love, a woman I cared very much about
A few moments started in hugs and ending in a shout
But we were pretty fucking perfect, until she left me
For a fat kid thats four hundred pounds named Jeffery
She's gone now, I'll remember her forever and always
No, shes not dead just in nother place; a bit daised
I'll find another woman, oh wait I already have
Though Krista is stuck with her sister and drunk dad.
These were true stories about real life people
Who's lives were corupted and later on feeble.
|01-28-2007, 03:50 PM||#2|
"Come as you are"
Good use of vocab and the flow was consistent, lyrcially is was what is should be for the story tellin art, use of rhyme schemes might have made it sound smoother, overall nice piece 8.5/10.
The dealer of hope is selling me lies
Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
|01-28-2007, 07:34 PM||#3|
penalty boxed user
Join Date: Jun 2003
Posts: 3,622Rep Power: 0
I was kind of disappointed by this. It was ok. Not bad at all. I was just reading some of your other threads, and thinking it would be nice to see you drop a story with that detailed and descriptive style. I’m sure you could work up some vivid imagery. This was quite simple compared to your usual style. Not bad, but not exactly spectacular either. Still, you say these are true stories, so it is what it is, and that’s cool. I just think you could have done it better.
|01-29-2007, 06:21 PM||#4|
a fan ,better to be you .
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Los Angeles, ca
Posts: 1,713Rep Power: 12
its pretty cool .. the good thing is real.. or made up but whatever it is its cool // it may seem u a bit depressed i like the last .. one .. me wtf .. ! good shit
Mexico , para crecer.
|01-30-2007, 11:54 AM||#5|
God Of WAr
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 4,277Rep Power: 27
Pretty good .
My evidence, my own testament, written on wood
Twelve tribes layin at the head of corners in hoods
|01-30-2007, 12:09 PM||#6|
yeah shit was str8 consistent
Tables Turn..Which Made it Worse, Engaged N' Searched..
for a Way ta' Learn, how ta Take tha' Curse of the Weight of Earth
Incase it Curved, and Strained my Nervous System..
Rage it Burst, n' Explained in Words how ta Further Wisdom