Bigot Hitman's Book

[Bigot Hitman]

I wish i had something to give
that in return, would give back the feeling
of having something to lose...
I'm so guilty man there's nothing to prove
As my thoughts pass by,
My childhood windows, i break up and ask why
I feel like the sixth piece
of a five piece puzzle, so left out and unneeded
I'm too many years deep in trouble
Cuz socially i was a space shuttle
Isolated in my own world
WHich has become my own hell
I'm burning inside, but look at my face...you can't tell
My mom's is like ooh well, when he gets back in school
this will go away,
Little does she know i can feel colder days
I've been rained on everyday for months now
And i have to fight a thousand yards
Just for a touchdown
On to my happy side
Which isn't near what it use to be
I can't hold conversations, depression's confusing me
Its like everyday its the same challenge
And i have to see or talk to certain people
Just to maintain balance
As I'm steps away from pain, miles away from joy
I wake up hoping i can smile today....
Maybe the sunshine will cause my clouds to break
Then i can be me...
I swear that's all i want to see
Is it too much to ask, too much to pray for?
Am i drinking from the glass of change
Too much, too fast?
I'm fighting a two-front battle as i try to make friends
Struggling through depression's war grounds
It makes my mind state spin
Sometimes it seems insurmountable but still
I continue to climb to stable land to expand and build
On a person, who never did the right things
With the people in which to now his whole life clings

[Bigot Hitman]

I'm all alone in my hole because its like
my helping hands don't understand
when and how to reach
Or maybe since i'm lost, they don't want to seek...
In conversations i wonder who's gonna speak
My depressed layer,
Or part of the real me oppressed underneath...
I never thought i'd form a mental illness
Now i can see why people
Turn suicidal when they feel this.....
I talked to a doctor for two and half hours
Ad he still doesn't know
the depth of the hole
That restrains my soul
That maintains control, even when i feel free
Somedays i wouldn't mind if you'd just kill me....
About back in april, i was cut out my fable
Which was having no friends while being socially stable....
Living that lie formed pain i can't contain now
I was content all alone since 8th grade and can't explain how....
So i'm stuck with the same social skills from three years ago
Plus with these clouds,
It doesn't take much rain for the tears to flow...
Damn, i never thought i'd be praying to feel good
to feel joy, to feel wanted and just to be understood....
I hear so many dangers hiding in the bushes
along this steep drop i pull to stay atop
while everything pushes....

[Bigot Hitman]

More times than none my mirror displays
A stagnant face loosing its ability to feel
I wish with tears in my eyes the image wasn't real...
I shouldn't dwell on mistakes, but its all i can remember
From five to seventeen, January's to Decembers....
I'd kill myself before i'd give this pain to another
Even if i never knew'em
Just knowing its my fault, my life would be ruined....
I'm so ready to fly away
There's nobody here to hold me down
I'm listening for guidance
But confusions the only sound.....
My reality feels like one in a million
like one wave in a sea
like one grain of sand of the longest beach.....
I accept that, but with that comes depression
I've never been part of a puzzle
Fitting in was just out of the question....
Maybe that's why my mind made me feel ok all along
While being on my own island, content all alone....
But when i made my first friend and crossed that bridge
Of true joy, then i felt what being happy is....
Ok, so now i can see clear, and i try to build
upon foreign lands, when i get captured and killed....
By who else? depression,
being with my first friend
Made me lose my ability to be happy by myself
And without blessin's all i see is the worst end....
------
Ambulance parked in front of my house
No sirens,
Front porch with the crime scene yellow tape
My mom standing off to the side
with a tear glazed face....
The friends i tried in vein to make before i did it
Just stop and think of me for a minute....
Then forget about me, as i completely cease to exist
and burn in hell because alone, i couldn't jump this fence....

[Bigot Hitman]

Loneliness, thats the heart of it, but not the start of it
My vines never strived to climb until now
As my emotions are absent, my roots are real down-
-deep in my mistakes, i could only see short term
Which turned out to be turns for the worst, the worst turns//
The hardest thing to accept is not being able to feel
Unless i'm around my few friends who help me seem real//
Help me seem normal, like i don't ponder suicide
They're matches that i can strike to lead me to the light//
I quote, "first it steals your mind, and then your soul"
See my mind's been lost, and i can't feel myself as a whole//
I hate who this makes me, i swear I'd end'em
If i didn't know the real me was opressed down in'em//
I'd take bullets in exchange for mental relief
To lose this forever i'd sacrifice fingers, toes, teeth//
Its like i'm constantly reminded of my cracks and potholes
As I walk other life's streets, i see they don't got those//
Seemingly smooth on the surface
Yeah I know nobody's perfect, still i feel worthless
The thing that hurts the worst is-
-feeling happy with all of my pistons pump'in
Still knowing that in that lifeless state i can't function-
-and soon its come'in//

[Bigot Hitman]

I'm about 4 months into my incarceration
My survival instinct has misplaced its patience//
Its crazy that my few friends are my only anti-depressants
Making me feel brittle as my esteem lessens//
I was a spiteful kid, not halfway delightful
Didn't know how to interact
Or how to have fun and still don't infact//
Over time, I turned more shallow in my lake
My reflection then was foreshadow'in my fate//
The word shy, couldn't even start to explain
The effects of rules that set me apart from the game//
There's so much concealed fodder spark'in the flames
From unseen brightspots i had darkened in vein//
And those would be, all of the people who tried to befriend me
But until some months ago, i didn't know how to be friendly//
So many flaws, more than the average diamond in the ruff
And reality has shoved and force fed me a tough-
-dose of depression, lasting for too many months now
Its hard to smile even when i score game winning touch downs//
Blind to my progress,
Lost in a maze of immovable objects
With my mind feeling like...
some pshychologists' project//
I'm the most unwanted prospect
Never been drafted
Enduring a hidden mental sickness, growing
like i can't out last it//
Only friends can contain it
I've been numb to different feelings for so long
I fear my soul's change'in//

[Bigot Hitman]

http://www.wutang-corp.com/forum/sho...75#post1274175

[Bigot Hitman]

I took one slow step out side
and stood face to face with mistakes
Reality was left and right
I saw a familiar place

Inability stole my hope
It became hard to laugh or smile
Then something broke my rope
that was bound to my innerchild

Now joy comes and goes
Its barried beneath the snow
My friends can make it melt
Still my heart remains cold

The sickness renews the ice
Thoughts incubate the strains
Quick peace is suicide
If the mind can't take the pain

Depression's my best friend
He nevers wants to leave me
He's always by my side
Just when things aren't so easy

He pushes me in isolation
He's great at numbing feelings
Hiding me in thick blankets
Connecting floors and ceilings

I'm lost deep in a land
In which so many call a home
My true self's sleep in a man
Who's lifeless all alone

My sky's are in my caves
My grass is dead and dry
The voices of my past
Say go ahead and cry

[Bigot Hitman]

I sleep on Everest's mountains
Walk through Sahara's deserts
I breathe in the deepest fountains
And touch clouds with nestling feathers

I'm blown down by the softest winds
Drown in shallow streams
The thinnest rays of light
Makes my dry corpse bleed

I have a couple of friends
They hold keys to cages
They calm my troubles within
But my equation never changes

Tall waves sharpen my bank
Smooth streets smoke my wheels
As tears dance down my face
You'd smile at what broke my seal

My feelings cease to exist
The sunlight doesn't burn
I have a force fake smilles as
Windchills don't make me turn

Nothing can catch my eyes
Except blessings in disguise
All my casts are blind
As broken poles guide my line

Candle flames and moths
I cower in the shade
I'm drawn to the light
but fear the burns and pains

My roots rot and mold
As my leaves drop and drip
the blood of my past wounds
Still no one believes i'm sick

[Bigot Hitman]

My route doesn't have traffic lights or street signs
I struggle to move where patience's a speed crime//
For my whole life i've driven the wrong path
Its hard to solve problems when u know the wrong math//
My wind shield's blurred with tears, nobody really cares
I'm so vunerable, marble floors make my tires tear//
My headlights are out, its hard to see ahead
The rear views are slanted out, still they show me instead//
As i'm trying to switch lanes, they reflect my reality
Face to face with mufflers sucking everything out of me//
I floor it, in attempt to isolate from the pain
But cops give me tickets that say "nothing will ever change"//
I pullover, wet my steering wheel with a weekly fluid
Bursting from my eyes, i never minded whoever knew it//
Then i get liquid hope called gas, from a friend who
Gives me my only motivation to continue//
Back into drive, through a cold land i've never been in
But been lost in for months with windows all tinted//
So no one's seen the sickness, behind suicide doors
My paints peeling,you can see depression in my pores//
I've got a few miles left before my engine blows
But everyone knows what happens when u walk Death's road//

[Bigot Hitman]

The wrong side of the street
My seventeen year state
Now eighteen and some months
Its the bottom of a lake

Rarely rising to the surface
Because i can only swim
When i'm not feeling worthless
And friends call me in

From my isolation
A cold and dying island
I'm a psychiatric patient
With mind and soul collide'in

Social situations are
like webs in thick fog
There's no hope for me if
Depression takes lift off

Somewhere deep inside
there's a guy i'd like to see
In mazes of darkness
He's the only light to be

This guy, he's real lonely
Fresh out years of denying
that no friends wasn't normal
His reality wasn't lying

Denial was the flashing lights
Prolonging a train
From hitting him just until
He wanted to change

Of course for the better
But its brung out the worst
A mental condition like
The most lifeless place on earth

[Bigot Hitman]

The coroding brick in
A corner of a basement
A small cloud caught
in a storm
-
A medalist without
status or placement
The aftermath of
the dreaded norm
_____________________
One of the only Willows
Who can't figure how
to weep
-
I didn't listen
because my ears were
Death to what
Made me speak
________________
I'm stared at, but
Unseen and ignored
like faint reflections
-
Will Kings and queens
care to dacne, and
shake the hands of peasants?
_________________
A nestless Hawk
Homeless and lost
And one Oak tree
-
I can't help you more
Than you could ever
help me
_________________
Skydiving over a sea
Stormy weather
No parachutte
to be found
-
Violent winds,
please let me
Hang around sometime
before i drown...
_________________

[Bigot Hitman]

In my past
I isolated
Because everything
hurt me
-
Misguided, i was
Running from pain
Now pain, show
some mercy.
_______________
A lake said
to its leaking stream
"What would you
do with out me?".
-
It said "My friend,
my only friend,
your very wise
to doubt me".
______________
Who loves the lifeless
When i can't feel
Would you want me still?
-
When walls turn old
will you help me
Scrape then paint the peeled?
______________
Bat in the cave
Snake in the vines
Nameless creatures
under stones
-
Can i learn from you
about a different
world where I
can't find a home?
______________
The sun burnt out,
the waters dried,
the lands began to
crumble
-
Zero's the worth
of, being the king
of your own lonely
Jungle.
______________
Goggles, gloves,
Bulletproofs, and
life jacket suits
-
No man made
object can shield
or save me from the
truth.
______________
______________

[J.T.S.]

Originally Posted by Bigot Hitman

I wish i had something to give
that in return, would give back the feeling
of having something to lose...
I'm so guilty man there's nothing to prove
As my thoughts pass by,
My childhood windows, i break up and ask why
I feel like the sixth piece
of a five piece puzzle, so left out and unneeded
I'm too many years deep in trouble
Cuz socially i was a space shuttle
Isolated in my own world
WHich has become my own hell
I'm burning inside, but look at my face...you can't tell
My mom's is like ooh well, when he gets back in school
this will go away,
Little does she know i can feel colder days
I've been rained on everyday for months now
And i have to fight a thousand yards
Just for a touchdown
On to my happy side
Which isn't near what it use to be
I can't hold conversations, depression's confusing me
Its like everyday its the same challenge
And i have to see or talk to certain people
Just to maintain balance
As I'm steps away from pain, miles away from joy
I wake up hoping i can smile today....
Maybe the sunshine will cause my clouds to break
Then i can be me...
I swear that's all i want to see
Is it too much to ask, too much to pray for?
Am i drinking from the glass of change
Too much, too fast?
I'm fighting a two-front battle as i try to make friends
Struggling through depression's war grounds
It makes my mind state spin
Sometimes it seems insurmountable but still
I continue to climb to stable land to expand and build
On a person, who never did the right things
With the people in which to now his whole life clings

Reminds me of my life sort of, man you get so descriptive it's like living a day in the life reading your lines. man this fucking deep man, pure emotion from the heart.

[J.T.S.]

Originally Posted by Bigot Hitman

I'm all alone in my hole because its like
my helping hands don't understand
when and how to reach
Or maybe since i'm lost, they don't want to seek...
In conversations i wonder who's gonna speak
My depressed layer,
Or part of the real me oppressed underneath...
I never thought i'd form a mental illness
Now i can see why people
Turn suicidal when they feel this.....
I talked to a doctor for two and half hours
Ad he still doesn't know
the depth of the hole
That restrains my soul
That maintains control, even when i feel free
Somedays i wouldn't mind if you'd just kill me....
About back in april, i was cut out my fable
Which was having no friends while being socially stable....
Living that lie formed pain i can't contain now
I was content all alone since 8th grade and can't explain how....
So i'm stuck with the same social skills from three years ago
Plus with these clouds,
It doesn't take much rain for the tears to flow...
Damn, i never thought i'd be praying to feel good
to feel joy, to feel wanted and just to be understood....
I hear so many dangers hiding in the bushes
along this steep drop i pull to stay atop
while everything pushes....

is this for rel with the mental illness and all. if so hold your head man!

[Bigot Hitman]

Originally Posted by J.T.S.

is this for rel with the mental illness and all. if so hold your head man!

Yeah its is a real mental illness, Its called Atypical Depression, its a form of Severe Depression, i got diagnosed back in late June. But i had been suffering from it since late may, you can tell by going back a couple of pages and seeing when i've started writing about feelings and life, just my sad reality, all this writing i've been doing for the past 3 months spawned and is fuled by it. thanks for the feedback.