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Old 02-08-2007, 03:59 PM   #1
Dokuro
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Default The Great Dane

this is my first and probably only atemt at rapping
so critizis it



I grew up poor with out a dime or more
So I thought of a way for my self to score
I realized your brothers are not going to survive
When all they want to do is get high
So I came up with a plan that would allow me to thrive
I was sixteen when I grew my first tree
And ohh was me the money became easy
I grew another, another, and another
I got employees from my sister and my brother
It wasnít to long till the competition new what I was doing
I heard some shit but didnít know what they were brewing

My brother took two shots and I took one
As he bled right there I knew he was done
After my recovery I got in contact with this brother
A crip by the name of kernl kuster
I bought two D-E, a K, tech and a vest
Spent a lot of money so I can get the beast
Me and two others brothers started to spray
At every one running out holing their face
Here is the lesions I learned that day
So listing up carefully ok
You cant sell any thing with out a gun
Because you got to protect your income son










the poll dont seem to be working
1) stick with singing that why god gave you a voice
2)keep it up you got skill
3)just produce all you got is money
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Old 02-08-2007, 04:08 PM   #2
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Average piece, nothing lyrical about it, just straight foward semi-story piece. The flow kinda got uneven at sometimes, the imagery wasn't anything special either dun. Basic selection of rhyming words. No line really jumps out at me as sumthin descritptive, lyrical, or just tight wording. 6.8/10
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Old 02-09-2007, 12:32 PM   #3
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thanks for you critisizm
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Old 02-10-2007, 11:31 PM   #4
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Don't give up if you wanna be a writer. You can't expect to write something dope just like that.

I agree with what Negroid said basically. If you're gonna write a story you really wanna be more descriptive too. I mean there's hardly anything captivating about this.

Here's some advice I just gave to some other dude. I feel it is also applicable to you...

Quote:
You have a loooooong way to go. Keep at it if you're serious. Check out some other lyrics on here. Listen closely to different types of rhyme schemes, wordplay etc, when you listen to hip hop. This rhyme here is VERY basic. A simple rhyme scheme is cool if you have a strong grammatical form. But you've gotta draw the line somewhere, and rhymes like "flow, glow, mine, shine, wine, line, rhyme, dime" etc, just aren't gonna cut it if you don't at least have strong content, word choice and structure.

Like I said, keep at it and study lyricism to help build your understanding of it. Try different things as you pick up on them. Over time you'll build a stronger style if you're determined enough.
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Old 02-11-2007, 10:08 PM   #5
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averae but if u serious about it...like everyone else said keep at it...i started out below average and i gradually got better by listening to more rap and reading other ppls lyrics.....basically if you want to see someone who improved EXTREMELY in one year go read my thread all the way through yea its alot but you can compare it and its another way to see someone elses flow...like i check out ppls threads all the time....

it gives you something to think about like when you hear something tight dont exactly take it but include it in your rhyme scheme you know....?
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Old 02-12-2007, 12:25 PM   #6
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i like it Dane it's from the heart, and you tell a long story in very few bars.
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Old 02-21-2007, 04:27 PM   #7
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...
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Old 02-23-2007, 10:44 AM   #8
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...bump...
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Old 02-23-2007, 12:12 PM   #9
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I don't believe you wrote this...Not one mispelling.
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Old 02-23-2007, 12:29 PM   #10
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hahahha



i put it on microsoft word befor here
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