|02-08-2007, 03:59 PM||#1|
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: in your Head
Posts: 8,633Rep Power: 0
The Great Dane
this is my first and probably only atemt at rapping
so critizis it
I grew up poor with out a dime or more
So I thought of a way for my self to score
I realized your brothers are not going to survive
When all they want to do is get high
So I came up with a plan that would allow me to thrive
I was sixteen when I grew my first tree
And ohh was me the money became easy
I grew another, another, and another
I got employees from my sister and my brother
It wasnít to long till the competition new what I was doing
I heard some shit but didnít know what they were brewing
My brother took two shots and I took one
As he bled right there I knew he was done
After my recovery I got in contact with this brother
A crip by the name of kernl kuster
I bought two D-E, a K, tech and a vest
Spent a lot of money so I can get the beast
Me and two others brothers started to spray
At every one running out holing their face
Here is the lesions I learned that day
So listing up carefully ok
You cant sell any thing with out a gun
Because you got to protect your income son
the poll dont seem to be working
1) stick with singing that why god gave you a voice
2)keep it up you got skill
3)just produce all you got is money
|02-08-2007, 04:08 PM||#2|
"Come as you are"
Average piece, nothing lyrical about it, just straight foward semi-story piece. The flow kinda got uneven at sometimes, the imagery wasn't anything special either dun. Basic selection of rhyming words. No line really jumps out at me as sumthin descritptive, lyrical, or just tight wording. 6.8/10
The dealer of hope is selling me lies
Reasons to live are reasons to die, in disguise
This life was never mine, the rivers never ran
Cross your arms, its too late for helping hands
Spit your pity elsewhere, there's no sympathy needed
For one who's never alive, for one who's never completed (Bigot Hitman)
Last edited by Bigot Hitman; 02-08-2007 at 04:31 PM.
|02-10-2007, 11:31 PM||#4|
penalty boxed user
Join Date: Jun 2003
Posts: 3,622Rep Power: 0
Don't give up if you wanna be a writer. You can't expect to write something dope just like that.
I agree with what Negroid said basically. If you're gonna write a story you really wanna be more descriptive too. I mean there's hardly anything captivating about this.
Here's some advice I just gave to some other dude. I feel it is also applicable to you...
|02-11-2007, 10:08 PM||#5|
averae but if u serious about it...like everyone else said keep at it...i started out below average and i gradually got better by listening to more rap and reading other ppls lyrics.....basically if you want to see someone who improved EXTREMELY in one year go read my thread all the way through yea its alot but you can compare it and its another way to see someone elses flow...like i check out ppls threads all the time....
it gives you something to think about like when you hear something tight dont exactly take it but include it in your rhyme scheme you know....?
Killbot Beats 2008 NIGGGAAAAAAAAA
Lawrlz Ya Sniffs???
"we laptop nigga, thugs on a computer." -TheShaolinAssassin
|02-12-2007, 12:25 PM||#6|
God Of WAr
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 4,277Rep Power: 27
i like it Dane it's from the heart, and you tell a long story in very few bars.
My evidence, my own testament, written on wood
Twelve tribes layin at the head of corners in hoods