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Old 08-17-2005, 03:33 AM   #1
led_mic
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Default Unjust Dragon Fire...

...first off, within the context of this forum I would like to offer a respectul "shout out" to Big Ben and GuardianOne...their lyrical wisdom is truly inspiring even though many would say that this is just a forum...good luck to both of you in all of your endeavors...and quite frankly...I am going out on a limb here but whether or not you or anyone reading this post enjoys my humble attempts, the subject matter at least to me is worth my existance...


"EVERYBODY UP!!!" screams the radio in the sky/

"It used to be different" I'm glaring a mental reply/

The artificial sunlight is blinding me awake/

I really don't know exactly how much more I can take/

I sit up on my sleeping pod Im late for feeding time/

But if I hurry maybe I can round up some scraps of swine/

Word on the street is last night the PRESIDENTS had a party/

And a multitude of left-overs are available for everybody/

I walk outside my CUBICLE HOME and head to the feeding trough/

"It looks halfway decent today" I joke at the man with the cough/

The man looks past me, I turn my head in curiosity/

I freeze as I see a member from the CONTAINMENT ARMY/

He looks at me and says, "Are you ungrateful for the food?"/

I pray with all my being that he's feeling in a good mood/

But he pulls out his nightstick and hits me behind the head/

I fall to the floor and he's feeding me asphalt instead/

He forces me to swallow as he's laughing almost to death/

Everyone stops eating, faces twisted like a treble clef/

And just at that moment he pulls out his LASER GUN/

Aims it at my forehead I truly felt my life was done/

But the Man with the Cough and Mr. Jensen down the street/

Pull off my attacker and prevent my life's defeat/

As they're beating him to death, Mrs. Hopkins runs to my side/

Offers me her glass of water she was able to steal and hide/

Out the corner of my eye I spot another "CONTAINMENT SOLDIER"/

The Radio in the Sky advises to us "LET THERE BE ORDER"/

The Soldier runs up and shoots Mrs. Hopkins in the face/

Her brains fall in the trough and blood's all over the place/

The SOLDIER begins laughing and points it now at me/

But no longer am I scared my mind is spinning out of frenzy...



This is the first installment of an Entire piece called "The Day the Dragon was Slain" drop your comments if you're feeling it, and would like me to post the next two installments...
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Old 08-17-2005, 08:25 AM   #2
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Default Re: Unjust Dragon Fire...

It rhymed well, and you controlled your flow well. "The day the Dragon was Slain"-wow!!!!!!!
Anyway, you started it quite well, your style seems very interesting. But later in the verse it gets too predictable,i could almost predict the next rhyming word to follow, then you shift from that. But then there is this unfinished effect you put to your lines (or rhyme schema). Its a very captivating verse really, but you can improve on that.From the middle of the verse someone can tell that you start getting creative (you know sci-fi stuff-it not a problem only if you learn to blend it with the entire verse.

Unjust Dragon Fire (it means a lot such a verse)I would like to see more of your posts and that "Day The Dragon Was Slain" piece in its entirety.

Peace
PS: I don't know if you were attempting, or tempting us to believe this is a humble post? You do have your own style (be it your first or not post)
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Old 08-17-2005, 12:28 PM   #3
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Default Re: Unjust Dragon Fire...

...Thanks GuardianOne the rhyming scheme could be alot better
I like to think of it as a short story that just happens to rhyme
Hopefully the main idea becomes clearer to all by the end of the third installment...
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Old 08-17-2005, 12:34 PM   #4
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Default Re: Unjust Dragon Fire...

wow nice post PEaCE I'll add on later
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Old 08-17-2005, 01:21 PM   #5
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Default Re: Unjust Dragon Fire...

What's next, what's next, what's n-x-e-t?

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