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Old 09-07-2005, 03:03 PM   #1
jallainINS
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Default work in progress, 3rd verse

this is my third attempt at writing a verse, i dont think its quite done but here it is lemme know what ya think.

Ha ha ha ha
I laugh at your feeble attempts to crack back
After I blast, and leave you in a body cast
Its half past noon and the flags at half staff
Cuz I attacked, clasped to your calf just like an asp
Enjoy your last rap, 'fore I crash in and smash
I'll mash and bash your ass we got a blood bath
So don't splash, its the Clash of the Titans
Class is in session I'm here to enlighten
Ya nape'll ache, ya can't escape your fate
An earthquake I create just to shake ya state
Don't wait to wake or you'll be late for your date
These fakes bake a cake that I already ate
Ya first mate Jake takes the bait and forsakes
My tapes rape ya ears, assassinate like Robert Blake
Make or break, rake ya face, puncture hearts like a stake
Blood falls like snowflakes, forms the shape of a lake
Ya can't rate my hate, come wit weight of an ape
I dominate and wear a cape, vacate the gate
Skills to compensate and heat a song like a steak
More elite than the great eight, I don't procrastinate


any suggestions or criticism?
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Old 09-10-2005, 01:35 PM   #2
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Default Re: work in progress, 3rd verse

cmon anything. tell me it sucks or somethin. do you guys not like me or somethin cuz i dont really get any response from my rhymes.
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Old 09-10-2005, 01:37 PM   #3
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Default Re: work in progress, 3rd verse

tell me what beat you wrote it to.....if not i'll still comment
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Old 09-10-2005, 02:00 PM   #4
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Default Re: work in progress, 3rd verse

for some reason everytime i end up writin a verse its at like 3 or 4 in the mornin when i cant sleep so i never really do it to a beat. i think i might start doin it to wustrumentals if i can put together a cd of them.
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Old 09-10-2005, 02:10 PM   #5
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Default Re: work in progress, 3rd verse

arite that's okay...there is nothing that really stands out...theres potential.......the ryhming is okay but use better vocabulary.....you could develop your own slang that wouldnt hurt either as long asit makes sense...this 1 is kinda boring you could do better as well every1 can do better.....heres another thot....when trying to deliver a line that you think is good it is always how you spit that line plus how you lead up to it

but what you need most is expanded vocabulary.....and i know you could do it becuz it aint like you 12 years old
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Old 09-10-2005, 02:15 PM   #6
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Default Re: work in progress, 3rd verse

yeah believe me i have vocab, i just never seem to use it when im rappin i dno why. i think i need to take more time when im writin, cuz the three verses that i have written all took me like an hour and i just did them in one sitting. i need to think about it more and put more effort in. thanks for the feedback man.
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Old 09-10-2005, 02:20 PM   #7
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Default Re: work in progress, 3rd verse

no doubt just keep'em comin with improvement every step of the way....this verse aint bad

but if you wanna stand out u gotta come original....with your own raw unheard of style
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